Sacrifice

[tectak]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5
Hi chris,
One of the vice-versa genre which switches meaning constantly, like one of those optical illusions where you can't tell which way it rotates. I read the original. A candle. Not difficult at all. A brand new candle...in a candle holder. White.Thin. End of interpretation for this reader.... but hang on. Is that it? I mean, it IS enough. But no. You are going all complicated...was it too easy? Too easy for you, I mean So. Crit on the poem as is.
Sacrifice

Standing white Standing? It is not the best modifier for white...or waif.
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic, semi colon here would help the caesura cut from description to prediction.
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre....but what a good stanza

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe This is going to get andy. Period after neck,then:
"Holding a match
to her face
we observe
her quivering shadows
scampering across the wall.
They dart like tongues
over our nakedness." Your poem. Not every ing is a gerund. Look for drama everytime.

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, "ever so"? Hmmmm.


asphyxiate.
...but hell, it is a cutey. Well done. Amazing what you can do with a candle...well, not you. Harrrumph.
Best,
tectak

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.

[ChristopherSea]

The word choice makes me really uncomfortable. I don't mean to suggest I dislike it or anything, only the imagery it conjures for me is..lewd
Willowy virgin, feminine yet phallic, with a reference to choking on pearly, hot liquid secretions. I imagine those love secretions had something to with darting tongues over your nakedness:p

Maybe it's because I'm a bit rough, but draping sex in flowers makes it seem so much nasty. An example: my mum's family used to call vaginas "sneaks", which remains for me the single grossest word in the English language now.

Sorry I don't have any real critique for you, other than the poem is very well written and made me very uncomfortable

An effective metaphor describing the sacrifice of a virgin should make one uncomfortable Brendon. Therefore, your review speaks volumes on the efficacy of this poem. It's the ultimate compliment, so thank you very much. In reality, this is simply lighting a new candle before two lovers exchange the gifts of themselves with one another. The darting tongues are the flickering shadows of candlelight. They then watch the candle slowly burnout in the afterglow. Cheers/Chris

---

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5
Hi chris,
One of the vice-versa genre which switches meaning constantly, like one of those optical illusions where you can't tell which way it rotates. I read the original. A candle. Not difficult at all. A brand new candle...in a candle holder. White.Thin. End of interpretation for this reader.... but hang on. Is that it? I mean, it IS enough. But no. You are going all complicated...was it too easy? Too easy for you, I mean So. Crit on the poem as is.
Sacrifice

Standing white Standing? It is not the best modifier for white...or waif.
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic, semi colon here would help the caesura cut from description to prediction.
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre....but what a good stanza

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe This is going to get andy. Period after neck,then:
"Holding a match
to her face
we observe
her quivering shadows
scampering across the wall.
They dart like tongues
over our nakedness." Your poem. Not every ing is a gerund. Look for drama everytime.

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, "ever so"? Hmmmm.


asphyxiate.
...but hell, it is a cutey. Well done. Amazing what you can do with a candle...well, not you. Harrrumph.
Best,
tectak

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.

You always have shrewd observations and sage advice, my poetic shaman! Agreed, I can probably come up with a better desciptor than standing for this sacraficial waif. I will re-examine the poem in the light of those punctuation suggestions as well. Thank you very much! Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

tigr/jdier/trueE/tec edit 3/version 3 Posted

(Not certain what to substitute for 'standing' or to just delete it.)