Sacrifice

[ChristopherSea]

final version

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic;
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe
her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall.
They dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


slowly asphyxiate.



tigr/jdier/trueE/tec edit 4 Thank you folks

------------------------------------------

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.

[tigrflye]

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic, This penis image sets me up for questions later
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garrote I wasn't familiar with this death device and had to look it up. I assume it is acceptable to use as a verb
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observethis line by itself is good. -pause, suspense

her quivering shadows she has more than one shadow?
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.quivering..tongues..nakedness.-started the wheels turning on my dirty-thoughts bus

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,more well-timed suspense


asphyxiate.and a punch at the end.. followed by an immediate thought "ohh does he mean...?"

I'm trying desperately to find a meaning for the last 6 lines that doesn't set me up as a pervert. Liquefied spirits could mean alcohol. You had to be drunk to kill her, sweating pearly drops, and she was strangled by the garrote. But no, you're naked, the shadow tongues, and the "phallic" description earlier... I know what she asphyxiated on.
I think this was constructed very well and I'm sorry that I can't really find anything I would want to change. I'm equally disturbed and titillated. So thanks for that - Jenn

[ChristopherSea]

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic, This penis image sets me up for questions later
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garrote I wasn't familiar with this death device and had to look it up. I assume it is acceptable to use as a verb
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observethis line by itself is good. -pause, suspense

her quivering shadows she has more than one shadow?
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.quivering..tongues..nakedness.-started the wheels turning on my dirty-thoughts bus

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,more well-timed suspense


asphyxiate.and a punch at the end.. followed by an immediate thought "ohh does he mean...?"

I'm trying desperately to find a meaning for the last 6 lines that doesn't set me up as a pervert. Liquefied spirits could mean alcohol. You had to be drunk to kill her, sweating pearly drops, and she was strangled by the garrote. But no, you're naked, the shadow tongues, and the "phallic" description earlier... I know what she asphyxiated on.
I think this was constructed very well and I'm sorry that I can't really find anything I would want to change. I'm equally disturbed and titillated. So thanks for that - Jenn

Jenn, thanks so much for being brave enough to be the first one to take a stab at this poem! It is pretty much a riddle and your critique is very helpful for the next edit. Although, I liked the word garrote, I realize it is too strong a word for this piece (I was implying a lesser definition), although it goes well with asphyxiate in the close, which also has multiple meanings. There's nothing perverted in your impressions, as there are two lovers herein and their liquefied spirits are the secretions of love. One big clue to the virgin waif's identity (the third party who is sacrificed) resides in the fact that the sacrificial lamb in the poem is not living. I'll be making some edits based on your helpful feedback. It's most appreciated!/Chris

---

jdeirmend, you really have some great insights into the use and strength of the metaphor! Much obliged for your time and impressions. Originally, I had 'she weeps hot waxen tears.' I thought it might give away what the sacrifice was too obviously. Should I add it back?
Whoops, what happened to your excellent interpretation?

[jdeirmend]

Chris, after catching your response to Jenn, it seemed to me like I was taking you too literally. But I'm glad you got something from it anyways before I gave it the axe! As far as the waxen thing goes, I'm not sure. I'd say yes, only because it adds a dimension of complexity, and whatever sense you think "waxen" gives too easily away, there is another, perhaps deeper one that a different reading might betray.

[ChristopherSea]

tigr/jdier edit 1/version 2

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We sieze
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.
[/quote]

tigr/jdier edit 1/version 2 Thanks!/Chris

-------------------------------

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garrote
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.

---

Chris, after catching your response to Jenn, it seemed to me like I was taking you too literally. But I'm glad you got something from it anyways before I gave it the axe! As far as the waxen thing goes, I'm not sure. I'd say yes, only because it adds a dimension of complexity, and whatever sense you think "waxen" gives too easily away, there is another, perhaps deeper one that a different reading might betray.

No problem jd. In fact, the symbolism associated with your literal interpretation is relevant and food for thought during editing. I shall go with those wax tears. Thanks for reading this!/Chris

[tigrflye]

Chris,
Aren't you clever! I like the addition of waxen tears. Good edit. Do you feel you still need "hot"?

[Scatter_J0Y]

tigr/jdier edit 1/version 2


Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 1/version 2 Thanks

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.

Wow - I definitely like version two better (esp the "we seize her pallid neck") as it really sets up the final line: very powerful. Great job!

[ChristopherSea]

Chris,
Aren't you clever! I like the addition of waxen tears. Good edit. Do you feel you still need "hot"?

Thanks Jenn, you could be right, I shall consider it on the next edit.

---

tigr/jdier edit 1/version 2


Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 1/version 2 Thanks

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.

Wow - I definitely like version two better (esp the "we seize her pallid neck") as it really sets up the final line: very powerful. Great job!

Thank you for reading and enjoying Scatter./Chris

[ChristopherSea]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5

[Truerenigma]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observeI would marry this to either the above stanza or below stanza.
her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, I would remove "ever so", and combine the final two lines.

asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,

asphyxiate.

Whoo. Great stuff. Some strange line and stanza breaks though.

[ChristopherSea]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observeI would marry this to either the above stanza or below stanza.
her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, I would remove "ever so", and combine the final two lines.

asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,

asphyxiate.

Whoo. Great stuff. Some strange line and stanza breaks though.

Those breaks and 'ever so slowly' are there to represents and simulates the length of time for the 'sacrifice' to expire. Do you know who and/or what she is my friend?

[milo]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observeI would marry this to either the above stanza or below stanza.
her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, I would remove "ever so", and combine the final two lines.

asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

----------------------------------
original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,

asphyxiate.

Whoo. Great stuff. Some strange line and stanza breaks though.

Those breaks and 'ever so slowly' are there to represents and simulates the length of time for the 'sacrifice' to expire. Do you know who and/or what she is my friend?

I figured her for a.candle. originally I thought she was one of those prayer candle we light for the dead but I don't see support for that so I am sticking with candle. Maybe a storm knocked the power out?

[Truerenigma]

Whoo. Great stuff. Some strange line and stanza breaks though.

Those breaks and 'ever so slowly' are there to represents and simulates the length of time for the 'sacrifice' to expire. Do you know who and/or what she is my friend?

I figured her for a.candle. originally I thought she was one of those prayer candle we light for the dead but I don't see support for that so I am sticking with candle. Maybe a storm knocked the power out?

I thought pyre and the title were enough support. And the asphyxiation alludes pretty strongly to death. The virgin reference may suggest a religious rite.

[milo]

Those breaks and 'ever so slowly' are there to represents and simulates the length of time for the 'sacrifice' to expire. Do you know who and/or what she is my friend?

I figured her for a.candle. originally I thought she was one of those prayer candle we light for the dead but I don't see support for that so I am sticking with candle. Maybe a storm knocked the power out?

I thought pyre and the title were enough support. And the asphyxiation alludes pretty strongly to death. The virgin reference may suggest a religious rite.

There is plenty of suggestion, just no confirmation.

ok smarty pants, what is your answer. And "some kind of religious ceremony" isn't enough.

I almost see "joan of ark" except for all of the candle references, I don't remember any candles in that old yarn

[ChristopherSea]

I figured her for a.candle. originally I thought she was one of those prayer candle we light for the dead but I don't see support for that so I am sticking with candle. Maybe a storm knocked the power out?

I thought pyre and the title were enough support. And the asphyxiation alludes pretty strongly to death. The virgin reference may suggest a religious rite.

There is plenty of suggestion, just no confirmation.

ok smarty pants, what is your answer. And "some kind of religious ceremony" isn't enough.

I almost see "joan of ark" except for all of the candle references, I don't remember any candles in that old yarn

Often we ceremomiously light candles before making love. When all goes well it's more than a religious experience!

[milo]

I thought pyre and the title were enough support. And the asphyxiation alludes pretty strongly to death. The virgin reference may suggest a religious rite.

There is plenty of suggestion, just no confirmation.

ok smarty pants, what is your answer. And "some kind of religious ceremony" isn't enough.

I almost see "joan of ark" except for all of the candle references, I don't remember any candles in that old yarn

Often we ceremomiously light candles before making love. When all goes well it's more than a religious experience!

the word "often" and the word "virgin" are providing an incohesive contrast.

[ChristopherSea]

Just light a new candle each time!

[SirBrendan]

The word choice makes me really uncomfortable. I don't mean to suggest I dislike it or anything, only the imagery it conjures for me is..lewd
Willowy virgin, feminine yet phallic, with a reference to choking on pearly, hot liquid secretions. I imagine those love secretions had something to with darting tongues over your nakedness:p

Maybe it's because I'm a bit rough, but draping sex in flowers makes it seem so much nasty. An example: my mum's family used to call vaginas "sneaks", which remains for me the single grossest word in the English language now.

Sorry I don't have any real critique for you, other than the poem is very well written and made me very uncomfortable

[milo]

Just light a new candle each time!

I understand what to do, but the word should offer a symbolic suggestion for the activity of the poem itself. Because we know candles are never true virgins, we know that the poet is trying to suggest the lady is a virgin. Your poem, you are responsible for the connotations, especially the inconsistent ones.

[Truerenigma]

I figured her for a.candle. originally I thought she was one of those prayer candle we light for the dead but I don't see support for that so I am sticking with candle. Maybe a storm knocked the power out?

I thought pyre and the title were enough support. And the asphyxiation alludes pretty strongly to death. The virgin reference may suggest a religious rite.

There is plenty of suggestion, just no confirmation.

ok smarty pants, what is your answer. And "some kind of religious ceremony" isn't enough.

I almost see "joan of ark" except for all of the candle references, I don't remember any candles in that old yarn

Beyond a candle, I honestly have no clue. Pyre made me think of a candle at a funeral. Virgin made me think of catholicism, and perhaps and wonder if this was some religious rite that I'm unfamiliar with. For all I know Mayans are sacrificing a virgin to some pyramid building E.T.