Anywhere But Home

[FatalBanana]

I reached out to touch you
but you wer'nt there
for the first time in years I feel afraid
I don't want to lose you
but I pushed you away
with my head in my hands...
just get through this day

the flames in hell
were set with good intention
bring light to the darkness that holds me
dont go dont leave me
just please dont go away
whats the point in living if its this lonely?

and death is not a problem its a promise
and it wont change a thing if I stayed
the road back home is long and awkward
so Ill stay in this prison I made me

forever young... forever naive
you were the crutch that held me
but I'll hold fast to the hope that was taken
and sleep silent with the promise left breaking
you are not the one to hold me here...

its hard when those eyes loose there glow
it turns to raindrops to hail and then snow
but when summer and winter reject there fall
they stay suspended till earth heads there call
where were those tears for me?

so Ill just go...
hop back on my cloud and disappear
I want more then this life will grant me
on my own
thats the way its meant to be
away from the dreams that only want to haunt me
away from gravity that only holds me down
higher and higher closer to the moon
a place where I dont have to love and lose
lead my mind to places where my feet may roam
as long as its somewhere
anywhere but home

[Douglaspocock]

I enjoyed it plenty, especially this
"the flames in hell
were set with good intention".

My problem, past and present tense changes.

I think that my mindset isn't properly poem minded at the point of posting. I can't connect what is happening, but it is pretty.

[Euan]

While this piece is filled with errors, structured poorly and the tense of the poem changes unintentionally I rather enjoyed this. You've some unique phrasing and word play, some of these lines are pretty damn good. What you need to do is effectively and appropriately use punctuation, strip apart the helper words and get to the essence of the potential you have here.

That's it put simply to you, There is some damn good shit packed in here, strip apart the rough, and you'll have your diamond.

[ChristopherSea]

This poem is definitely in need of serious workshopping, but you need to do your homework first. You have over a dozen typos, misuse or absence of punctuation, no caps, improper use of ellipsis and...

[RyanRader13]

I did notice the same as christophersea and I agree as far as punctuation, grammer, spelling, and word usage, there is much to be done. But I honestly view those formalities like bread on a sandwich, I'm more concerned about the meat. As far as subject and theme, the topic is a bit cliche but it's natural so I don't have complaints. I agree with Euan that there is some very good intensities weaved in there but the piece as a whole can be refined, tenses have a very huge effect, you have to introduce them in certain ways when you shift and you have to be aware of where the reader is standing. Also I found lines 4 and 5 in the second stanza to be redundant, but I'm not sure if I like it or not, I think it has alot to say with the feeling of the poem but from a readers standpoint it can appear to be filler. Like I said there's things with that I like but I see being lost on the audience. Good poem, give it an edit and a touch up and I think it could be great.

[jdvanwijk]

For me, this poem still has a lot of problems: too many clichés, awkward sentences, lack of focus, etc. It reads like it was written in a 'flash of inspiration', or less kind, a first draft.

I reached out to touch you clichéd
but you wer'nt there Missing e, intentional?
for the first time in years I feel afraid
I don't want to lose you
but I pushed you away
with my head in my hands... These last three lines are very clichéd. Try to describe this feeling in more original images.
just get through this day

the flames in hell
were set with good intention I think these two lines feel interesting and original. Would suggest to extract these and work from there.
bring light to the darkness that holds me
dont go dont leave me
just please dont go away
whats the point in living if its this lonely? Again, these three lines , though sincere, are way too common to move the reader.

and death is not a problem its a promise Good concept but poorly phrased, too obvious.
and it wont change a thing if I stayed
the road back home is long and awkward Road back home is a big cliché. Awkward doesn't feel to fit the context.
so Ill stay in this prison I made me Poorly structured sentence.

forever young... forever naive
you were the crutch that held me
but I'll hold fast to the hope that was taken This sentence is clumsily written with the 'that was taken'
and sleep silent with the promise left breaking
you are not the one to hold me here...

its hard when those eyes loose there glow One of many sentences with bad spelling "lose their glow"
it turns to raindrops to hail and then snow
but when summer and winter reject there fall
they stay suspended till earth heads there call
where were those tears for me?

The whole last section I like the best idea-wise, a person going up, up and away. I would strip this section of all clichés and see if you can work this into another poem.
so Ill just go...
hop back on my cloud and disappear
I want more then this life will grant me
on my own
thats the way its meant to be
away from the dreams that only want to haunt me
away from gravity that only holds me down
higher and higher closer to the moon
a place where I dont have to love and lose
lead my mind to places where my feet may roam
as long as its somewhere
anywhere but home