3,320.75 Miles

[Malu]

OK folks, let's move on. Malu, when Chris originally commented your thread was in a non-critique forum and he was just being polite. Now it's in a critique forum, so let's behave as such -- that goes for everyone. Thanks/ admin

I'm working on that Leanne

[Leanne]

We're only in novice, so I'm going to suggest that you play a bit with the meter practice threads in order to understand how meter makes rhyme work best. It doesn't have to be a set structure, just make sure that your rhymes (which are a linking device) aren't lost because your rhythm is shot.

As each day goes by
The separation takes its toll down my eye -- "takes its toll down my eye" is quite strange -- I get that you mean it's the track of a tear but it's odd, and not in a good way
I just wish you were here
Because then you could wipe away each tear
Yearning for your touch
Oh, how I miss you so much -- this sort of thing is best left unsaid -- it's implied by the rest of the poem. This is what we mean when we say "show, not tell". Telling like this is obvious.
Like a lost duckling away from its mother -- you could lose "lost", it's implied
I sit here alone without my lover

The distance is great
But not as great as fate
Oh, how I cannot wait
Soon to be reunited
You're my lighthouse ignited
With a spark of passion
You make me want to be a better man with every action
No matter how far away
My love for you will never astray -- stray
Because you are my path of light
And I will never give up on this fight
Even in the darkest of nights
I can see you clearly insight -- this is not the phrasing you want
Like a soldier returning from war
I will come home for your love evermore

And this will sound very cliché -- oddly enough, this stanza sounds less cliche than the others
But I couldn't put it any other way
You're my other half
The beauty of duality at last
Like the moon and the sun
You and I are one -- if the moon and the sun are one, I think the universe is in serious trouble
Living my life without you just couldn't be done

What's so great about sunny weather for outdoors
If you haven't seen it rain before
But with you everyday is beautiful
Because you are, and that's irrefutable

You're more radiant than any sunrise
Especially when you smile, I can see it in your lustrous brown eyes
And your snowy white teeth
So rare, the ocean thinks you're a thief
And it's right, you were searching for the ultimate heist
My heart, you had become enticed
Luckily enough, it sufficed
Along with your flowing hair
Trying to resist you is just unfair
With your skin so soft, I can't help but surrender
You're the biggest blessing in my life that I can commend for
And beneath that, your nature leaves me breathless
Only comparable to Athena, whose probably jealous

Just like the turtle dove
You and I have mated for life, and love
I always thought of myself as a lone wolf
But we've made a pack stronger than a diamond in the rough
Our love will continue to endure
And soar above the clouds amongst the condors
Much like the swans
When it comes to us staying together I have no qualms

I'll be home soon I promise
Then we can finally snuggle together in our pajamas
Because I miss your warmth and your embrace
And I long to touch you and kiss your face
You might not know it, but you're my saving grace

You take a few walls, windows and some space
And you make it more than some place
You make this house a home
And no matter where I am
I'll always hear your heartbeat and know that I'm never alone -- this is probably the best stanza of the poem, so it's fitting that it's what you conclude with.

I'm not going to go through and pull this apart line by line. What you have is a fairly heartfelt and emotional poem, but it could easily be condensed into about half of what's here. The rhyming couplets make it seem cheesy -- which isn't how I'd want my love poem to sound, but maybe you like that sort of thing. Still, there is a lot to work with here and if you want to edit, it's probably not that big a job.

[Malu]

Thanks Leanne, those were very insightful tips and suggestions. I'm curious, what is your overall opinion on this poem?

[Leanne]

I think I get where you're going with it -- although the Athena reference is a worry, since she was a virgin goddess! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

I am not generally a fan of love poetry, because I want it to tell me why THIS love is so much more important than every other love in history -- and the best way to do that is through concrete images that offer the reader little voyeuristic insights rather than sweeping abstractions that don't give us too much to sink our teeth into. Poetry reading is a vicarious sport. We like to watch

[Malu]

I think I get where you're going with it -- although the Athena reference is a worry, since she was a virgin goddess! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

I am not generally a fan of love poetry, because I want it to tell me why THIS love is so much more important than every other love in history -- and the best way to do that is through concrete images that offer the reader little voyeuristic insights rather than sweeping abstractions that don't give us too much to sink our teeth into. Poetry reading is a vicarious sport. We like to watch

Haha I knew that about Athena, but didn't really think about that aspect at all since I was so focused on the wisdom side of her when making that comparison. I guess that's just another reason for Athena to be jealous! Hahaha.. And I get what you mean about this love opposed to every other one in history, that's a good point. I'll work on the balancing those insights and abstractions. Thanks again for the constructive critique

[Leanne]

Maybe she was a virgin because she was wise

Back to getting rid of abstractions. For example, instead of:

I'll be home soon I promise
Then we can finally snuggle together in our pajamas
Because I miss your warmth and your embrace
And I long to touch you and kiss your face
You might not know it, but you're my saving grace

describe the last snuggle. What was the room like? Was it nighttime, morning or a wee sneaky nooner? What smells were in the air? What sounds were there? Invoking physical senses is powerful in poetry like this. Take us to the moment.

[Malu]

Maybe she was a virgin because she was wise

Back to getting rid of abstractions. For example, instead of:

I'll be home soon I promise
Then we can finally snuggle together in our pajamas
Because I miss your warmth and your embrace
And I long to touch you and kiss your face
You might not know it, but you're my saving grace

describe the last snuggle. What was the room like? Was it nighttime, morning or a wee sneaky nooner? What smells were in the air? What sounds were there? Invoking physical senses is powerful in poetry like this. Take us to the moment.

Touche haha, and thanks again, that is very helpful

[ChristopherSea]

Sure you do!

I do chris, for many reasons, critique actually helps. Who knew that by someone commenting helpful feedback would actually be helpful oppose to someone who just comments "I am on my weekly rounds of visiting the forgotten poem. This one takes the cake at over 2,100 views and zero reponses. You would think that one out of over 2,000 could have said something. I hope you were not shooting for 3,320.75 views without comment." with intent on just making fun. So once again, I appreciate your sarcasm and comments, they are always so wonderful!

Like a dog with a bone. It was in 'fun' with no critque required, as you have been told several times by the mods. I stop by to read poems that had been missed. The joke was just that. Take it easy.

[Malu]

I'm simply commenting on this poem now because I have OCD and when I view all of my threads in a list I like seeing the last post in them by myself haha. Keeping it uniform. That is all.