Kinesics (Edit 1,5)

[Volaticus]

Edit 1,5
Slight edit in S2. I hope it reads better now, otherwise please let me know.

I notice how you struggle to fire up any one
of your many worn out lighters,
flicking them rapidly when you're angry
and only this release can tame you.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
which appear as you smile,
while you tell me one of your cellophane lies.

I see the tremble on your dry lips,
twitches in the corners of your avoiding eyes,
when you halfheartedly bury your sadness
under cliches, or strained smooth-talking.

I watch you twirl across the floor,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips
and you float serenely towards me,
soothing my mind with your emerald eyes:
radiating affirmation of our silent unity.

Edit 1
Thanks to a lot of helpful and appreciated feedback.


I notice how you struggle to fire up any one
of your many worn out lighters,
flicking them rapidly when you're angry
and only this release can tame you.

I've learned what they mean:
small tics around your dimples
which appear as you smile,
telling me one of your cellophane lies.

I see the tremble on your dry lips,
twitches in the corners of your avoiding eyes,
when you halfheartedly bury your sadness
under cliches, or strained smooth-talking.

I watch you twirl across the floor,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips
and you float serenely towards me,
soothing my mind with your emerald eyes:
radiating affirmation of our silent unity.


Original

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s -
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

[tectak]

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one Not the usual description for making a lighter work. "...struggle to ignite any one.." but it is obviously avoidance of light/lighter
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - this dash does nothing
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you. not clear. Do you mean only the release of anger can tame you?

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips, You could lose one of the modifiers in this line.
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking. The line breaks add nothing to your words...in fact, if you feel the the need to use line breaks as a poetic device you may reconsider the wisdom of this as is.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies. Great observation now becoming diminished by the line breaks. Random almost

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips - Again the dash. Why is it here?
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. I do not know what all this mirroring and illuminating is about. I get a dire feeling I have missed a very obscure point...that should not bother me except when wearing the crit-cap. So it does. See end

Hi vol,
Only rarely do I find it more important to comment on the cameo rather than on the correctness, as I see it, of the execution. I have read and reread this piece hoping to get in to the psyche of the character but something pushes me out. I think I know what it is. There is a dark thread of confused sexuality in the weave. I cannot "get" the relationship between the first and third party established. Please note that I am commenting ON THE POEM when I ask if this is a lesbian lover's lament?
The cigarette lighter flicking generates a masculine image in my mind so that the swirling skirt came as an interesting twist.
If I am wrong I cannot excuse my interpretation as it is what it is. Does it affect the poetry? No, I think not, but it may be more potent to clarify which way this one hangs by intent rather than by innuendo...deliberate or not.
Best,
tectak

[ray]

A fine opening line. I've no idea what is meant by 4/4, 7/8 in this context.
stiff, smooth talking - can speech be both stiff and smooth?

when they appear as you smile, - I'd suggest "which appear"

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, - no need for "as".

I was liking the first 3 verses. I found the last verse flat and disappointing, almost disconnected from the remainder.

[EileenGreay]

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one I like the hint of sexual scorn with 'struggle to turn on'
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously I wonder if the word 'clicking' here could be replaced with something a little more vivid, violent, exciting - 'snapping' maybe. Also with the introduction of music as metaphor below, you could consider replacing 'unconsciously' with 'metronomically': it suggests endless repetition and a guise of order, both of which I think are central aspects of your poem
in 4/4s - I like the introduction of musical metre here, but agree with the former comment that the dash is doing nothing: however, I think the instinct to put the dash in (to accompany the musical ref. with a sense of halting or lurching) is very good - rather than take it out, why not experiment with doing more with it?
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes, I feel that 'shiny eyes' is a bit boring - I'm more interested in the corners, why don't you see if placing an adjective there instead of before 'eyes' would make the description more compelling?
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches Contrary to another comment, I like the line break here: it draws attention to the visual rhyme of 'twitches' and 'cliches' - almost working on paper, failing once voiced. I'd say to keep it - it strengthens the sense of the 'you' attempting to disguise sadness, but the disguise failing to function.
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little Not a fan of the line break here - if you did this as a four line stanza the intrusion of a sense of metrical fluency would support the mention of 'little white lies'
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, Maybe subsitute the first 'twirl' for 'swirl'?
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. I didn't like these last two lines, I'm sorry. Like 'shiny eyes' above, I feel that 'bright eyes' is a bit commonplace and cliché. Overall, I think the final stanza is the weakest - perhaps you could try an alternative which sustains the sense of distance and isolation, rather than the ocular affinity you have now?

I quite like this, and think it has potential! But perhaps try some alternatives - not just word substitutions or different punctuation: explore how the poem turns out if you decide it will end with distance rather than closeness, and really interrogate the space between the two people in this poem. Good luck with working at it, and hope some of these comments are helpful - they are, of course, just my opinion!

[TheWall0912]

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one I really like this line a lot. It has a sexual appeal, the "turn on" does that for you. Really like it.
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - I think you could lose this line
or 7/8sand this one as well
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips, I think you could lose vague, I don't think it adds much
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking. Using both stiff and smooth confuses me. Can something be both?

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little I don't think you need a break here.
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, I don't think using "twirl" twice is very effective, I would say "I watch as you twirl around" or even just "I watch you twirl around"
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor, I think I would end the poem here. The last two lines do nothing for me.
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

I think this is a great start. There is a lot of nice imagery here. I really enjoyed the read. My suggestions are just my opinions to be used or disregarded at will. Overall this is a great start. I am curious, just like tectak though. So, I will be waiting for your response to him. Doesn't change the poem at all though, whatever the meaning. I'll enjoy it either way.

[Volaticus]

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one Not the usual description for making a lighter work. "...struggle to ignite any one.." but it is obviously avoidance of light/lighter
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - this dash does nothing
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you. not clear. Do you mean only the release of anger can tame you?

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips, You could lose one of the modifiers in this line.
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking. The line breaks add nothing to your words...in fact, if you feel the the need to use line breaks as a poetic device you may reconsider the wisdom of this as is.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies. Great observation now becoming diminished by the line breaks. Random almost

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips - Again the dash. Why is it here?
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. I do not know what all this mirroring and illuminating is about. I get a dire feeling I have missed a very obscure point...that should not bother me except when wearing the crit-cap. So it does. See end

Hi vol,
Only rarely do I find it more important to comment on the cameo rather than on the correctness, as I see it, of the execution. I have read and reread this piece hoping to get in to the psyche of the character but something pushes me out. I think I know what it is. There is a dark thread of confused sexuality in the weave. I cannot "get" the relationship between the first and third party established. Please note that I am commenting ON THE POEM when I ask if this is a lesbian lover's lament?
The cigarette lighter flicking generates a masculine image in my mind so that the swirling skirt came as an interesting twist.
If I am wrong I cannot excuse my interpretation as it is what it is. Does it affect the poetry? No, I think not, but it may be more potent to clarify which way this one hangs by intent rather than by innuendo...deliberate or not.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectak,
First of all, thanks a lot for your helpful feedback, I really appreciate it and I will consider all of it, when I begin my edit (hopefully soon). You’ve given me a lot of good points to think about.

I didn’t try to use the line breaks as a poetical device, more like making them match the rhythm I had of it in my head. But I do see your point with the breaks seeming quite random in places. I’ll try to make the them more sensible in my edit.

Thanks for pointing out that the dashes don’t work.

I used “turn on” in the first line, to make a hint of something sexual/sensual right from the beginning. If it’s not a correct thing to say, please do tell me. I still struggle a lot with English phrases (idioms?).

I knew, already before posting the poem, that is seemed somewhat unclear and had some loose ends. I’ve worked on it and edited for hours and hours until I got to the point where I needed some help. The line about the anger in S1: I meant, that the you’s anger only can be tamed, with the release the you’s anger, in this case though clicking a lighter franticly in 7/8s. Whereas the 4/4s is a more mild kind of anger. Meant as a comparison to music, where 7/8s often have a more aggressive feel than 4/4s. Do you have any suggestions to how I can make it more clear?

The last two lines.. I meant that the narrator, just from looking at the life in the you’s eyes, feels enlivened. That the you has a positive radiance about her, that instantly affects the narrator positively.
I see I also need to make their relationship more clear. In my head, I had an image this couple (two girls), one more passive and observing (the narrator of course) and one more expressive and lively. So I wanted to convey how the you is being observed silently by the devoted narrator who notices everything about the you. And I wanted to show, how the you enlivens the more passive narrator just from the spark in her eyes. Two very different people, that benefits from each others' differences. Any suggestions on how to clarify that part?

Thanks a bunch once again.

All my best,
Louise

---

A fine opening line. I've no idea what is meant by 4/4, 7/8 in this context.
stiff, smooth talking - can speech be both stiff and smooth?

when they appear as you smile, - I'd suggest "which appear"

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, - no need for "as".

I was liking the first 3 verses. I found the last verse flat and disappointing, almost disconnected from the remainder.

Hi ray,
Thanks a lot for your feedback.
4/4s and 7/8s are musical terms.

About the stiff smooth talking: smooth talking is smooth talking. But in awkward situations, I think it can sound rather stiff, bordering on fake, while still being smooth talking with the words being said. I can see how ‘stiff’ and ‘smooth’ would contradict each other normally though. I’ll have to give this some thought.

I like your suggestions and will consider them all in my edit. And I’ll see if I can make the last stanza more connected with the rest. Thanks again.

My best,
LB

---

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one I like the hint of sexual scorn with 'struggle to turn on'
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously I wonder if the word 'clicking' here could be replaced with something a little more vivid, violent, exciting - 'snapping' maybe. Also with the introduction of music as metaphor below, you could consider replacing 'unconsciously' with 'metronomically': it suggests endless repetition and a guise of order, both of which I think are central aspects of your poem
in 4/4s - I like the introduction of musical metre here, but agree with the former comment that the dash is doing nothing: however, I think the instinct to put the dash in (to accompany the musical ref. with a sense of halting or lurching) is very good - rather than take it out, why not experiment with doing more with it?
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes, I feel that 'shiny eyes' is a bit boring - I'm more interested in the corners, why don't you see if placing an adjective there instead of before 'eyes' would make the description more compelling?
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches Contrary to another comment, I like the line break here: it draws attention to the visual rhyme of 'twitches' and 'cliches' - almost working on paper, failing once voiced. I'd say to keep it - it strengthens the sense of the 'you' attempting to disguise sadness, but the disguise failing to function.
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little Not a fan of the line break here - if you did this as a four line stanza the intrusion of a sense of metrical fluency would support the mention of 'little white lies'
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, Maybe subsitute the first 'twirl' for 'swirl'?
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. I didn't like these last two lines, I'm sorry. Like 'shiny eyes' above, I feel that 'bright eyes' is a bit commonplace and cliché. Overall, I think the final stanza is the weakest - perhaps you could try an alternative which sustains the sense of distance and isolation, rather than the ocular affinity you have now?

I quite like this, and think it has potential! But perhaps try some alternatives - not just word substitutions or different punctuation: explore how the poem turns out if you decide it will end with distance rather than closeness, and really interrogate the space between the two people in this poem. Good luck with working at it, and hope some of these comments are helpful - they are, of course, just my opinion!

Hi EileenGreay,
Thanks so much for your comments, they were indeed helpful.
I will consider all of them in my edit, as I think you’ve come with some great suggestions I hadn’t thought of myself.
Thanks so much again, I appreciate you taking the time.
Best,
LB

---

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one I really like this line a lot. It has a sexual appeal, the "turn on" does that for you. Really like it.
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - I think you could lose this line
or 7/8sand this one as well
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips, I think you could lose vague, I don't think it adds much
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking. Using both stiff and smooth confuses me. Can something be both?

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little I don't think you need a break here.
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, I don't think using "twirl" twice is very effective, I would say "I watch as you twirl around" or even just "I watch you twirl around"
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor, I think I would end the poem here. The last two lines do nothing for me.
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

I think this is a great start. There is a lot of nice imagery here. I really enjoyed the read. My suggestions are just my opinions to be used or disregarded at will. Overall this is a great start. I am curious, just like tectak though. So, I will be waiting for your response to him. Doesn't change the poem at all though, whatever the meaning. I'll enjoy it either way.

Hi TheWall0912,
I’d like to thank you for taking the time to give feedback, it is much appreciated and helpful.
About the stiff and smooth.. I explained it in my answer to ray, I hope it makes more sense then.
Thanks for your kind words and I will consider all your helpful suggestions in my edit.
My best,
Louise

[billy]

hi Louise. seems i miss so many poems of late

straight off it feels a bit wordy (from the first line) that you notice is a given because you questioning the fact. the dash's aren't needed. not a lot if you do an edit louise. i think you tie the title to the poem pretty well. though i like the end, i do think it could be better expressed.
great effort,
thanks for the read.

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one is [i notice] needed?
of your many worn out lighters, i like the follow on line here.
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - do these 2 line refer to a musical beat...for me neither of them add anything to the poem.
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches is [and] needed
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches, would bringing down [your sadness] to this line help the enjambment?
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile, is [when] needed?
telling me one of your little would [telling me] be stronger on it's own line than [white lies] a suggestion would be to move down to the next line [one of your little]
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, no need for [as] or [around]
the motion lifting your skirt, me bad, i was looking at this as a female narrator which it still could be, it was wrong of me to presume.
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor, can one float heavily?
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. i like the end because it ties into the title

[Volaticus]

Hi billy,
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it.
You've made some good points and I'll consider them all in my edit.
Best,
Louise

[ChristopherSea]

Body language is probably the one form of communication that always speaks the truth. Psychologists, human resource personnel and criminal investigators read it all the time, as you do herein with your lover. Your opening two lines are intriguing, as the double-entendre is clever, albeit an unusual way to say igniting or sparking a lighter. I think glossy or blood-shot may convey ‘sad eyes’ better than shiny. Perhaps there is a better modifier, see what you think. You can probably say ‘little white lies’ in a more interesting and novel way like ‘Lilliputian pallid untruths’ ha, ha, just kidding with the example, but you know what I mean. Maybe try ‘spiral’ for ‘twirl and twirl.’ I had some trouble reconciling your close, ‘mirroring bright eyes to illuminate mine.’ Does the dance mirror her bright eyes and then they illuminate yours? One more observation: there seems to be a rather large gap between the last two stanzas, from ‘lies’ to the dance. This could be my problem though. I love the title and the corresponding theme and story told within. Cheers/Chris

[Volaticus]

Hi Chris,
You've given me some good things to think about and consider in my edit.
Thank you so much for that, and for your insightful feedback, I appreciate it.
Best,
Louise

[Truerenigma]

Hi Vol,

This is a good poem, imo. I mean by the quality of the observations, and it's with working on a bit more.

I agree with most of Tom's comments, but I see you were asking for additional help and I'm not sure if he'll get to it (he's probably busy flaying some poor newb in novice, mods are petty busy on this rambunctious site.)

So, in relation to his comments:

In the end of S1 I would suggest something like "and only this release can tame you", which would also fit your use of suggestive language.

To start S2 you don't need both adjectives, which is what he means by "modifiers". Poetry is all about nouns and verbs, and too many adjectives weaken the language. You could drop "vague" as it doesn't do much at all for the line.

Add far as the line breaks. Try using one breath per line, while keeping the breaks on nouns and verbs.

I like the poem, and don't have much more to add.

Thanks for sharing.

I like turning the lighter on, but you might try fire, or flame.

[Volaticus]

Hi true,
Thanks a lot for you kind words and your comments.
I really like your suggestion for S1. I might try something along that, instead of what I have in my edit at the moment.
I didn't know about keeping the breaks on nouns and verbs. Thanks for the info. I looked in my edit, and most of the line breaks are on nouns and verbs, so I think I'm on the right way.
Thanks for taking the time.
Best,
Louise

---

Edit 1 is up.

[tectak]

Edit 1
Thanks to a lot of helpful and appreciated feedback.


I notice how you struggle to fire up any one
of your many worn out lighters,
flicking them rapidly when you're angry
and only this release can tame you.

I've learned what they mean:
small tics around your dimples technically you should begin this line with "the small tics..." in order to link securely to "they". Your poem
which appear as you smile,
telling me one of your cellophane lies.

I see the tremble on your dry lips,
twitches in the corners of your avoiding eyes,
when you halfheartedly bury your sadness
under cliches, or strained smooth-talking.

I watch you twirl across the floor,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips
and you float serenely towards me,
soothing my mind with your emerald eyes:
radiating affirmation of our silent unity.


Original

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s -
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

Hi vol,
Of course I came back to it! Excellent edit. You could tinker with the thing forever but to no great advantage. It is cooked.
My only very small nit is S2 L4 where the word "telling"is actually without a subject...or rather appears to imply talking tics
Best,
tectak

[billy]

a big improvement Louise.

for me the 1st stanza is much better. i'm with tom as to [the small tics...] i also like the edit elsewhere in the poem, specially the last stanza. i don't think it was me thinking the lighter flicker was a guy. i think the whole poem bar the last stanza is male oriented the last stanza instantly make the reader take stock of what they just read and force themselves to make it work....and it does work well. great edit.

[fim]

Edit 1
Thanks to a lot of helpful and appreciated feedback.


I notice how you struggle to fire up any one
of your many worn out lighters,
flicking them rapidly when you're angry
and only this release can tame you.

I've learned what they mean:
small tics around your dimples
which appear as you smile,
telling me one of your cellophane lies.

I see the tremble on your dry lips,
twitches in the corners of your avoiding eyes,
when you halfheartedly bury your sadness
under cliches, or strained smooth-talking.

I watch you twirl across the floor,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips
and you float serenely towards me,
soothing my mind with your emerald eyes:
radiating affirmation of our silent unity.


Original

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s -
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

Volaticus,
Wow! Your edit transformed your poem from a good one to a great one in my mind! I appreciate the way you removed the number sequences in the first stanza that, for me, diverted my immersion into your poem. I also appreciate replacing "shining" eyes with "avoiding" eyes; I think it much better conveys the impression you are trying to create of your poem's subject. The edit reads smoother for me with the revised line structure ... but the kicker that puts it over the top is your ending-edit; the "radiating affirmation of our silent unity" ... excellent, emotionally provocative word crafting. Very nice.
fim

[Volaticus]

Hi vol,
Of course I came back to it! Excellent edit. You could tinker with the thing forever but to no great advantage. It is cooked.
My only very small nit is S2 L4 where the word "telling"is actually without a subject...or rather appears to imply talking tics
Best,
tectak

Thanks for coming back to this, tectac, and thanks for your very kind comments. I put a lot of work into this edit, so I'm glad that you like it. Thanks for pointing out the problem with the 2nd stanza. I'll sort that out.
My best,
Louise

---

a big improvement Louise.

for me the 1st stanza is much better. i'm with tom as to [the small tics...] i also like the edit elsewhere in the poem, specially the last stanza. i don't think it was me thinking the lighter flicker was a guy. i think the whole poem bar the last stanza is male oriented the last stanza instantly make the reader take stock of what they just read and force themselves to make it work....and it does work well. great edit.

Hi billy, thank you very much for your kind words, I'm glad to hear you think it's improved. At first, I really hadn't realized that the stanzas (except the last) seemed male oriented, but I clearly see what you mean when I think of it. I'm glad to hear you think it works.
My best,
Louise

---

Volaticus,
Wow! Your edit transformed your poem from a good one to a great one in my mind! I appreciate the way you removed the number sequences in the first stanza that, for me, diverted my immersion into your poem. I also appreciate replacing "shining" eyes with "avoiding" eyes; I think it much better conveys the impression you are trying to create of your poem's subject. The edit reads smoother for me with the revised line structure ... but the kicker that puts it over the top is your ending-edit; the "radiating affirmation of our silent unity" ... excellent, emotionally provocative word crafting. Very nice.
fim

Hi fim,
I want to thank you very much for your comments and your kind words. I am especially happy that you like the ending. I struggled with it for hours and hours, so it means a lot to hear that it worked for you.
Thanks so much.
My best,
Louise

---

I made some small changes in S2. I hope it reads better now.

[billy]

put it to bed for six months, it reads okay and the slight edit works.

good editing Louise. :J:

[Volaticus]

Cool, thanks billy

[btrudo]

Edit 1,5
Slight edit in S2. I hope it reads better now, otherwise please let me know.

I notice how you struggle to fire up any one
of your many worn out lighters,
flicking them rapidly when you're angry
and only this release can tame you.
I actually liked the 4/4s and 7/8s of the original, though at the same time, I'm not so sure the poem really uses them

This might read smoother like this:
I notice how you struggle to fire
your many worn out lighters,
flicking them incessantly when you're angry;
only this release can tame you.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
which appear as you smile,
while you tell me one of your cellophane lies.
why cellophane?

I see the tremble on your dry lips,
twitches in the corners of your avoiding eyes,
when you halfheartedly bury your sadness
under cliches, or strained smooth-talking.
don't like the "or"

I watch you twirl across the floor,
I watch you twirl and twirl
I liked the repetition from the original, shows more motion to me
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips
and you float serenely towards me,
soothing my mind with your emerald eyes:
radiating affirmation of our silent unity.
the soothing and radiating appear to be clashing. I would be careful of overdoing -ing here. Of the two, I like the final line more, but close might be tighter:

and you float serenely towards me,
radiating affirmation of our unity.

...the whole action is wordless so silent doesn't appear to be needed

[Volaticus]

Hi,
Thanks for commenting.
I appreciate your suggestions, but I honestly like it better as it is now.
'Cellophane' because it's see-through. Like the lies.
Best,
LB