Dying Breed

[Expendable Youth.]

If you don't mind, I'd like some help..

-
Dying Breed

It'll be the days at Krav
it'll be you reckless fucks
that I'll miss the most.
But god damn,
we'll end it with a bang.
What I'm doing now,
is something I've wanted
for a long time.

It'll take me far,
far from home.
And it'll push me
to the fucking limit.
But who comes back home,
isn't who left in the first place.

You raised me,
more than my own blood
and you've always been there
to drive your fist into my face.
I wouldn't
have it any other way.

It's truly
a dying breed
that clasps hands
in friendship.
After
smashing each other bloody.

[Todd]

Hi Evan,

My general thought is that your last two strophes contain the seed of the poem. This feels to me like you wrote to get to that part, and that is the part that needs to be explored. Everything up to that point felt like trying to get there and not the poem itself, if that makes sense.

Now if I were considering a rewrite, I would look at these lines:

But who comes back home,
isn't who left in the first place. --Your most interesting idea which is what you probably should focus on more. This idea is the heart of the poem and it needs more room to develop

You raised me,
more than my own blood
and you've always been there
to drive your fist into my face.
I wouldn't
have it any other way.

It's truly
a dying breed
that clasps hands
in friendship.
After
smashing each other bloody.--These last two strophes provide the context that makes the observation earlier resonate.

You have some interesting ideas floating around here. The narrator fears that what was important now may be shifted by the journey away. Yet they carry something of their past with them. I would encourage you to focus more on that common tension and work to develop it more.

Just initial thoughts,

Todd

If you don't mind, I'd like some help..

-
Dying Breed

It'll be the days at Krav
it'll be you reckless fucks
that I'll miss the most.
But god damn,
we'll end it with a bang.
What I'm doing now,
is something I've wanted
for a long time.

It'll take me far,
far from home.
And it'll push me
to the fucking limit.
But who comes back home,
isn't who left in the first place.

You raised me,
more than my own blood
and you've always been there
to drive your fist into my face.
I wouldn't
have it any other way.

It's truly
a dying breed
that clasps hands
in friendship.
After
smashing each other bloody.

[Expendable Youth.]

Thank you Todd, I'll put your critique to good use.

[tectak]

If you don't mind, I'd like some help..
Hi exp,
It is times at like this that inadequacy is my forte. I can crit this poem to my heart's content because I have no idea whether you need help or you need help with your poetry. Actually, that's not true...You DO need help with your poetry but as for the other question...I am inadequate to the task. That's why todd and I move together on this one. Like him, I think that this is an explosively compulsive write which only serves you, the writer. The rawness of the piece is essentially caused by undercooking. Notwithstanding the permissiveness of the punctuation--permissive because it "allows" you to take liberties--the "form" of the piece is not helping in any way. Shame really, because the juice of this fruit is acidic and unpalatable...tamarind sour...and it needs to be, to express what you are saying. The trouble is, you are pan-tied. Everyone gets a roasting and this is what makes the thing horizontal rather than pointedly vertical. In the first stanza it seems like you are leaving a damned fine shag behind...it happens. It's called going to University...or Krav school in Thailand! I noticed that you said "..you restless fucks" not "...your restless fucks" but I like it my way more...especially as I don't really get your way.
Why worry, it gets better. Then you go all self-analytical in the second stanza before you have really exhausted you angst in the first stanza.
The punctuation in stanza 2 is distracting, but as I said earlier you need to decide if it matters to you and to hell with the crit that you asked for help. Then JUMP! We are in stanza 3 and it seems as if your parents are getting it. Give it room, as todd said. You need to really develop your ideas but without getting wordy...everything counts in a short piece. Precision is all. (Sorry, but this is why punctuation helps).
Finally, in double quick time, we take a pop at friends. I think you need the other kind of help...but if I am wrong, then you have done a great job of fooling me.
Overall, this is terse-verse. It displays angst, impatience, anger and bathos. If I said I ache with remorse at leaving, but I must go soon. Damn you all for being in my life.Just you wait til I come back a new man; well, I guess that sums it up. Put flesh on that...then diet.
Oh, and I noticed that you give pensive crit, so maybe I was fooled after all!
Best,
tectak


-
Dying Breed

It'll be the days at Krav Can you punctuate this?I have no idea yet
it'll be you reckless fucks
that I'll miss the most.
But god damn,
we'll end it with a bang.
What I'm doing now,
is something I've wanted
for a long time. I have no problem with the expressed rage in this. I would like more of it

It'll take me far, You are in danger of it-eration. Too many unknowns. What is this "it"?
far from home.
And it'll push methe "and" is misplaced/unrequired/incorrectly used. try a semi colon line above end.
to the fucking limit. Fuck fuckety fuck fuck...fuck fuck. Another word, maybe.Fuck is a little retro.
But who comes back home,
isn't who left in the first place. "in the first place" is redundant.

You raised me,
more than my own blood
and you've always been there
to drive your fist into my face.
I wouldn't Cliff fall. Why the enjambment? What do YOU think it adds to the piece? I have no idea.
have it any other way.

It's truly What is? Now we are over-itting. Seriously. I am worried. The enjambments, too, are an issue. Are you just guessing their use makes the piece poetic. They do
no such
thing.
Needs
looking at

a dying breed
that clasps hands
in friendship.
After
smashing each other bloody. Lost me in the end but that's your fault for not giving me enough information...so I made it up. See above.

[Todd]

Just commenting on the fucks in line two. If it were related to one person than I would like the your fucks suggestion of Tom's. Given the context though, if you were to keep the line, maybe "with you reckless fucks" would be clearer.

[Expendable Youth.]

Aha, fantastic. Thank you very much tectak, appreciate you taking the time. And no problem Todd, I'll rethink that.