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Pick up my sword, bring it to me
Make me believe once more
I've lost all my faith
But I won't flee
Saddle my horse
Make me rise for the last time
I can grieve no longer
I have no remorse
Dawn is a forgotten thought in my head
Let me see the sun at this end of mine
I want to feel the last light's kiss
I can't see anymore what lies ahead
I've bled
and I've shed
too much blood
My soul is now partly mud
But I have no remorse
I'm prepared to die
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
![[Image: ZHB2W.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/ZHB2W.jpg)
Posts: 340
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(08-21-2013, 04:07 AM)Sonata Wrote: Pick up my sword, bring it to me
Make me believe once more
I've lost all my faith
But I won't fleeforeshadowing i assume. i would maybe try and use punctuation to indicate full stops in the poem. i am pausing and the end of every line. it is pretty dramatic
Saddle my horsewho is saddling your horse?
Make me rise for the last time
I can grieve no longer
I have no remorselike the last three lines of this stanza. im confused is the main character talking to a ally or himself?
Dawn is a forgotten thought in my head
Let me see the sun at this end of mine
I want to feel the last light's kisslucky knight!
I can't see anymore what lies aheadi like how you compare death to mystery and a light at the end of the day
I've bled
and I've shed
way too much bloodi would not say "way"
My soul is now partly mudkilling dampers the soul?
But I have no remorse
I'm prepared to die
sonata,
good poem! it definitely appealed to my gamer/board gaming side. I like that you paint a picture of the final moments of a warrior. The part about last kiss was a bit random. i think you could write more poems in the same vein to tell a story.
Rob
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
"Dawn is a forgotten thought in my head" is an interesting line. I like how it works into this poem, but the poem is forgettable. That's the only line I remember no matter how many times I read it.
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(08-21-2013, 04:07 AM)Sonata Wrote: Pick up my sword, bring it to me
Make me believe once more
I've lost all my faith
But I won't flee Hisonatacanyou punctuateteornotbecauseyouseemtohaveanaversiontoitwhichIfindpuzzlingintheevermoreaccomplishedworkyouareproducingyouletyourselfdown. Hm. On a whim I decided not to use spaces. 
Saddle my horse
Make me rise for the last time
I can grieve no longer
I have no remorse
Dawn is a forgotten thought in my head
Let me see the sun at this end of mine So that's where the sun shines out of
I want to feel the last light's kiss
I can't see anymore what lies ahead
I've bled
and I've shed
too much blood
My soul is now partly mud Even metaphorically a little too forced. You like mud...you use mud. Your poem.
But I have no remorse
I'm prepared to die
Hi sonata,
Getting better all the time. Though this piece says not a lot, you made it say even less by forcing the pace. You really MUST punctuate to get emotion in to this.
Best,
tectak
