B-Road Boxing

[Keith]

Edit with comment from AR and AJ

A wagtail bobbed into the ring,
dancing on Mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
featherweight on headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark their cards,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.




Original
A wagtail bobbed into my ring,
buffeted on mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
steel wheels and headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark his card,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke,
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Magpie]

A wagtail bobbed into my ring,
buffeted on mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
steel wheels and headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark his card,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke,
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi I really enjoyed reading this and have read it several times now mostly to see if I could find something where I could say it could be improved but alas I can't seem to find anything. Which is probably not much help critique wise.
The boxing analogy is very good right from the start. It's a great first line especially with the word "bobbed" it sets it up straight away as a boxing match, I presume the wagtail is a "featherweight". And the other excellent part was the "thrown in tail" clever play on words.
I personally think it's a very good and clever poem. Sorry if this isn't of much use. I would of been tempted to use "featherweight" in there somewhere but it's not as subtle as your references.
Cheers for the read, I really enjoyed it.

[Keith]

Thank you for taking the time to comment AR, I like the Idea of Featherwieght so I will try to work it in. Cheers TOMH.

[cidermaid]

Hi TOMH
also really enjoyed reading this one.
The title had me confused before i read this but then after I thought it was just right and rather clever.
I am always surprised by your writing. You manage to take a fresh view and approach to so many of lifes hidden things and i particularly enjoy this aspect of your poems. Full of humour, full of reality and life always with a little twist or surprise tweak on how we view the world. Excellent.

(I like that the car does not come out so good from the fight).
Not much by way of thoughts to offer except the second line of S1 made me pause, but hard to put my finger on what it was. It could be the use of buffeted as a boxing term that is bothering me, I'm thinking perhaps the use of bounced.... but then you would need to pad out the rest of the line again. (and anyway I know nothing of boxing so perhaps buffeted is a better boxing term than bounced). It does not detract from the poem and i also liked AR's idea of the featherweight.
All the best AJ.

[Keith]

Hi TOMH
also really enjoyed reading this one.
The title had me confused before i read this but then after I thought it was just right and rather clever.
I am always surprised by your writing. You manage to take a fresh view and approach to so many of lifes hidden things and i particularly enjoy this aspect of your poems. Full of humour, full of reality and life always with a little twist or surprise tweak on how we view the world. Excellent.

(I like that the car does not come out so good from the fight).
Not much by way of thoughts to offer except the second line of S1 made me pause, but hard to put my finger on what it was. It could be the use of buffeted as a boxing term that is bothering me, I'm thinking perhaps the use of bounced.... but then you would need to pad out the rest of the line again. (and anyway I know nothing of boxing so perhaps buffeted is a better boxing term than bounced). It does not detract from the poem and i also liked AR's idea of the featherweight.
All the best AJ.

Many thanks AJ I hadn't noticed the bump and your spot on bounced didn't fit so have reworked and managed to work in AR suggestion. Also thanks for the kind words much appreciated. Keith

[cidermaid]

Think the edit is great.
AJ.

[Magpie]

Like wise, I agree with AJ, it's a great edit. I like the way you worked "featherweight" in there without making it too obvious.
Cheers.

[tectak]

Edit with comment from AR and AJ

A wagtail bobbed into my ring,
dancing on Mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
featherweight on headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark their cards,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.




Original
A wagtail bobbed into my ring,
buffeted on mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
steel wheels and headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark his card,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke,
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi tomh,
Once again proving that this site offers real benefits to contributors with the right attitude....oh, and skills!
A very good edit of a simple cameo. The rhyming is almost tantalisingly unpredictable but shows a robust and swashbuckling disregard for pedantry. You get away with this because of the confidence the piece exhibits...it is as though you are more than capable of winkling out the mot juste but just revel in the exhilaration of freedom of choice. Good for you...good for us all.
Best,
tectak

[Keith]

Edit with comment from AR and AJ

A wagtail bobbed into my ring,
dancing on Mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
featherweight on headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark their cards,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.




Original
A wagtail bobbed into my ring,
buffeted on mondeo's wing,
winded by cheap body shots,
steel wheels and headlight hooks.

Judges couldn't mark his card,
both parties went in really hard,
weight advantage nearly broke,
the delicate body on the ropes.

Pied fighter rolled and hit the floor,
fledgling fans can't watch much more,
one arm flaps, a cut loose sail,
feathers fall, a thrown in tail.

Before the count car body lurches,
slams itself on tree lined hedges,
spits out soil twists and bounces,
bird limps away backward glances.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi tomh,
Once again proving that this site offers real benefits to contributors with the right attitude....oh, and skills!
A very good edit of a simple cameo. The rhyming is almost tantalisingly unpredictable but shows a robust and swashbuckling disregard for pedantry. You get away with this because of the confidence the piece exhibits...it is as though you are more than capable of winkling out the mot juste but just revel in the exhilaration of freedom of choice. Good for you...good for us all.
Best,
tectak

Many thanks tectak for your kind words, I agree the form and some of the rhymes are a bit off but it just scrapes the sides on the way in. I had to google mot juste and agree about workshopping, it defines the sit. TOMH