Plights Creed

[philoinlove]

And so I declare with certainty,
I need to be free from this diseased unease.
Lord,
Uncertainty worships me
As serenity shuns my spirit.
Vibrating from treetops my voice
Shakes the Robins’ nest.
A test to see which is stronger
Nature,
Or desperation.
I shall win at least that.
If not, my tears shall flood Sahara.
For I shall win at least that.

[Brownlie]

And so I declare with certainty,
I need to be free from this diseased unease.
Lord,
Uncertainty worships me
As serenity shuns my spirit.
Vibrating from treetops my voice
Shakes the Robins’ nest. -- What is the symbolism here?
A test to see which is stronger
Nature,
Or desperation.
I shall win at least that.
If not, my tears shall flood Sahara.
For I shall win at least that.

I would like to know what you were going for here if you wouldn't mind explaining.

[cidermaid]

Just popped in and had time for a quick scan through before i'm out to work and wanted to say that I really quite like the flow of thoughts in here and that i do get it.
Obviously it is perhaps not completly accessable for all readers in that many of the lines are faith rich referances, but as the title lays out it is plight's creed so in terms of offering what it states on the tin I think it does so and it makes enough sense without the bible knowledge so again I think this is OK.
I won't offer any crit as such on the actual poetic and punctuation features at this stage - no time right now.
(But two quick thing that do jump out at are: the last but one line...Sahara feels cliched or at very least too predictable. Given all the other biblical referances perhaps something more on this thread, like the plains of Sharon being salted over and laid to waste. (just a random thought).
Then on the first line I think the "and so" are not needed and weaken the start. (I think you were perhaps going for an effect like someone mid reading a creed [not sure what otherwise]...but i don't think it works very well).

I took the robins nest as one of the nick names for a robin being cock of the walk. He likes to be dominant in an area and rule and reign over his teritory not allowing any usurpers or competition in. so i read this as a reversal of the voice of God or angels in the trees tops - you were wrestling with God over control of your place on the earth and his right (or not) to have authority over you and your teritory. Perhaps you could let me know if I have got anywhere close in this thought. (I spent over an hour chewing through a poem last night only to find I had read the wrong speaker into it from the title and the first line...and obviously as the reader I'm wrong and must now sit here in my wrongness I thought i'll try and avoid that game again)

Just wanted to offer some encouragment,because the threads seem to more on so quickly somedays and a poem can be dead and burried by the time i'm back to make any comments.

All the best AJ.

[philoinlove]

Just popped in and had time for a quick scan through before i'm out to work and wanted to say that I really quite like the flow of thoughts in here and that i do get it.
Obviously it is perhaps not completly accessable for all readers in that many of the lines are faith rich referances, but as the title lays out it is plight's creed so in terms of offering what it states on the tin I think it does so and it makes enough sense without the bible knowledge so again I think this is OK.
I won't offer any crit as such on the actual poetic and punctuation features at this stage - no time right now.
(But two quick thing that do jump out at are: the last but one line...Sahara feels cliched or at very least too predictable. Given all the other biblical referances perhaps something more on this thread, like the plains of Sharon being salted over and laid to waste. (just a random thought).
Then on the first line I think the "and so" are not needed and weaken the start. (I think you were perhaps going for an effect like someone mid reading a creed [not sure what otherwise]...but i don't think it works very well).

I took the robins nest as one of the nick names for a robin being cock of the walk. He likes to be dominant in an area and rule and reign over his teritory not allowing any usurpers or competition in. so i read this as a reversal of the voice of God or angels in the trees tops - you were wrestling with God over control of your place on the earth and his right (or not) to have authority over you and your teritory. Perhaps you could let me know if I have got anywhere close in this thought. (I spent over an hour chewing through a poem last night only to find I had read the wrong speaker into it from the title and the first line...and obviously as the reader I'm wrong and must now sit here in my wrongness I thought i'll try and avoid that game again)

Just wanted to offer some encouragment,because the threads seem to more on so quickly somedays and a poem can be dead and burried by the time i'm back to make any comments.

All the best AJ.

AJ,

Thanks so much for your words and analysis. You actually brought a lot out in your reading. Robins have simply been a source of comfort for me but the meaning you took from it is dead on.

I appreciate the time you took reading it and am delighted that you understood it. Yes, you are also right about the struggle with rooting my place on Earth.

Thanks

Shakyra

[UnicornRainbowCake]

And so I declare with certainty, I love the start of this, it sets an almost biblical proclamation type tone to the poem
I need to be free from this diseased unease. This needs to be stronger, I must, or I will would work
Lord, I like this as a single line, it really focuses on the spiritual side of things
Uncertainty worships me I liked how you address it to the Lord, but it kind of gets lost from there for me. Personalise it more - is this your uncertainty? Say it is, then
As serenity shuns my spirit. It would also work by saying who's serenity - is this God's?
Vibrating from treetops my voice The syntax feels awkward
Shakes the Robins’ nest. Love, love, love
A test to see which is stronger
Nature,
Or desperation. Love again
I shall win at least that.
If not, my tears shall flood Sahara.
For I shall win at least that. These last three lines are unclear to me. I'm probably not reading it clear enough, but it kind of fades into submissiveness. The poem starts off very strong, and there are some shining moments, but I feel it could be much more than it is if you just switched a few things round