Feeling You

[modern_poet]

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire,
I want to grow that flame,
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you,
And your warmth of heart,
I knew you were the one,
I knew it from the start,
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power,

I am feeling you,
At this very hour,
I feel the heat of flesh,
I feel the touch of skin,
I feel the radiance of light,
That emits from your grin,
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share,
That will one day set us free,
To frolic in the fields,
To roll around in the hay,
To smell the roses of life,
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day,
Henceforth that will arrive,
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive,
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo

[Bunx]

sounds like something michael franti could sell.
these are awesome modern! i am in a band myself. i don't write lyrics though. just play bass

[lennox222]

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire,
I want to grow that flame,
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you,
And your warmth of heart,
I knew you were the one,
I knew it from the start,
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power,

I am feeling you,
At this very hour,
I feel the heat of flesh,
I feel the touch of skin,
I feel the radiance of light,
That emits from your grin,
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share,
That will one day set us free,
To frolic in the fields,
To roll around in the hay,
To smell the roses of life,
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day,
Henceforth that will arrive,
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive,
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo

Your urge to rhyme at any cost leads to clunking lines, such as "That emits from your grin". For me, this creates the uncomfortable image of a smile that blasts out gamma rays.

Otherwise, enough promise to keep them coming......

[tectak]

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire,
I want to grow that flame,
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you,
And your warmth of heart,
I knew you were the one,
I knew it from the start,
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power,

I am feeling you,
At this very hour,
I feel the heat of flesh,
I feel the touch of skin,
I feel the radiance of light,
That emits from your grin,
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share,
That will one day set us free,
To frolic in the fields,
To roll around in the hay,
To smell the roses of life,
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day,
Henceforth that will arrive,
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive,
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo

---

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire, cliche. Very old cliche. Say it in a new way
I want to grow that flame, cliche
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you,
And your warmth of heart,cliche
I knew you were the one,cliche
I knew it from the start, not a cliche but by "listing" in the next 5 lines is should be as lists are cliched
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power, clonking forced ryhme when you did not feel it necessary before. Why now? Why bother?

I am feeling you,
At this very hour, Says nothing
I feel the heat of flesh, cliche
I feel the touch of skin,cliche
I feel the radiance of light, imageless. Light is radiated energy. You feel heat not light. Different part of the spectrum....even poetically
That emits from your grin, forced rhyme and pointlessly made
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share, cliched in words and conceptually
That will one day set us free, cliched sentiment. Why are you capitalising lines? It is dated
To frolic in the fields, you guessed it. Cliche
To roll around in the hay,cliche
To smell the roses of life, not acliche. Allelujah...some may disagree
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day, cliche and forced,feeble rhyme
Henceforth that will arrive, hopelessly clumsy use of language. Not worthy
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive, almost impudent forced rhyme. Dreadful
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo I give up. I thought it was always Sue who was sweet. Great originality,though, and cleverly avoided a cliche and a forced rhyme As you say in your intro post, the words just pour out of you...and you're so good it hurts

Hi modern,
Nothing wrong here. A bit cliched here and there. Lacking in flow a little. Rhyming a tad forced in places. Could do with some imagery and fresh thinking. Capitalising of every line is confusing and old hat. Tends to be list-like and statemental so it is mundane. The theme is well worn and it says nothing new. Apart from that...have you submitted any crit of your own yet? You will find it liberating.( Ah, I see you gave mark a one liner. Well done)
Seriously though, and this IS serious crit, it is lacking.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

if it's a song, then it deserves being aired in a forum for such. (feel free to post songs in the miscellaneous forum saying it's lyrics etc) as a piece of poetry it's more or less to be an extended cliche, most of the lines are fairly common, specially with lyrics. the end rhymes needs some working on as well. i know most of what i say has already been said but i think it helps the poet when ideas are reinforced. maybe use the mild or novice forum where the feedback is less in-depth and better able to be taken in.

[Brownlie]

You are aware that we live in the postmodern era now. If you were a modern poet you would probably be writing before ww2. I'm not trying to attack you personally I just want to clear that up for you if you didn't already know.

Feeling You

I am feeling you,
And your heat of desire,
I want to grow that flame, -- Flame as passion is cliche
I do not want it to expire,

I am feeling you, -- The tool your using here is called anaphora and it can be used successfully maybe you knew that.
And your warmth of heart,
I knew you were the one,
I knew it from the start,
I know your passion,
I know your pain,
I feel your sincerity,
I feel your rain,
It be such a lovely shower,
So intense and full of power,

I am feeling you,
At this very hour,
I feel the heat of flesh,
I feel the touch of skin,
I feel the radiance of light,
That emits from your grin,
Even though we are separated,
Please don’t give up on me,
It is about the love we share,
That will one day set us free,
To frolic in the fields,
To roll around in the hay,
To smell the roses of life,
As we snuggle and play,
Oh what a glorious day,
Henceforth that will arrive,
When you and I merge,
As we quiver and thrive,
I am feeling you,
My sweet eternal boo

This poem is not working for me its just too abstract there is no story or any kind of rhyme or technique (not that all poems need meter and rhyme). There just doesn't seem to be anything of merit here. I'm sorry I hope I can write a good review for you some day.

[lennox222]

This poem fails dreadfully because it is constructed around the driving requirement that it MUST, whatever else, rhyme.

Not all poems must rhyme, but those that do require a careful and aesthetically pleasing amalgamation of meaning, rhythm and rhyme. This poem has no such mix.

The last line, "My sweet eternal boo" is so bad that it could only work if Yogi Bear were the poet.

If you can unlock your mind from the straitjacket of mandatory rhyme at all costs, you may well discover that your poetry would become more relaxed and natural.

Keep working on it.....

[philoinlove]

I think you know what you need to fix. Make this poem/lyric more relate-able to the listener or reader by removing all Cliche remarks... I don't wanna hear a lyric my kindergartners could have written. You are better than that!! Let us see more