no drama (edit based upon tec and billy)

[serge gurkski]

Smallish edit plus new last stanza:

The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts:
You rock now!
Show no inhibitions
and no underwear!

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart,
so: no drama, please,
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
when I'm fading away
into other nirvanas.
Please, chase my uneasy
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon.

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times sometimes
to refuse the remedy.

The clowneries of love affairs aside,
when summer bumps into me,
my goodbye address will read:
the French, it wasn't bad.

---------------------
Original:


The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear,

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart[
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses.
Please, chase my uneasy
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon,

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not.
Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

[Bunx]

the french revolting in the 1800's was beautiful. like this poem. revolution never comes with a warning

[serge gurkski]

the french revolting in the 1800's was beautiful. like this poem. revolution never comes with a warning

Yes, Bunx. The Commue was great, too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris_Commune

As to the French Revolution I may be more on Burke's side, but whatever. ;-)

[tectak]

The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart probably full stop here. You are trying too hard to "write" inflexion. The words are enough. So no drama, please, as we approach perfection. Irony in this!
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses
Please chase my uneasy
right out through the door. Word missing. Ass? Help. Sentence has no senseness

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sig, Not a good sign
under a cheesecake moon LOVE THIS

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right.....

Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Hi serge,
As always, you are the thinking man's crumpet. I read stuff on all sites which is undeniably rubbish masquerading as deep thought. You are the opposite! Take what you want from this.
I liked it but feel ashamed to admit it as I understood so little of it....if anything.
I sometimes feel the need to scream "make it poetry!" at your efforts but frankly, it just would lose too much in the translation.
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart probably full stop here. You are trying too hard to "write" inflexion. The words are enough. So no drama, please, as we approach perfection. Irony in this!
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses
Please chase my uneasy
right out through the door. Word missing. Ass? Help. Sentence has no senseness

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sig, Not a good sign
under a cheesecake moon LOVE THIS

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right.....

Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Hi serge,
As always, you are the thinking man's crumpet. I read stuff on all sites which is undeniably rubbish masquerading as deep thought. You are the opposite! Take what you want from this.
I liked it but feel ashamed to admit it as I understood so little of it....if anything.
I sometimes feel the need to scream "make it poetry!" at your efforts but frankly, it just would lose too much in the translation.
Best,
tectak

Thanks for pointiing out the typo.(sig > sign)
And for explaining poetry to me. ;-)
A much as it will unease you, uneasy above is a noun. No arses needed.

into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses

= good enough for me.

---

"and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?"

Be nude!
----------------
"senseness" is cute. You learn. ;.)

---

The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart probably full stop here. You are trying too hard to "write" inflexion. The words are enough. So no drama, please, as we approach perfection. Irony in this!
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses
Please chase my uneasy
right out through the door. Word missing. Ass? Help. Sentence has no senseness

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sig, Not a good sign
under a cheesecake moon LOVE THIS

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times sometimes
to remedy that not Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right.....

Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Hi serge,
As always, you are the thinking man's crumpet. I read stuff on all sites which is undeniably rubbish masquerading as deep thought. You are the opposite! Take what you want from this.
I liked it but feel ashamed to admit it as I understood so little of it....if anything.
I sometimes feel the need to scream "make it poetry!" at your efforts but frankly, it just would lose too much in the translation.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart probably full stop here. You are trying too hard to "write" inflexion. The words are enough. So no drama, please, as we approach perfection. Irony in this!
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses
Please chase my uneasy
right out through the door. Word missing. Ass? Help. Sentence has no senseness

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sig, Not a good sign
under a cheesecake moon LOVE THIS

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right.....

Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Hi serge,
As always, you are the thinking man's crumpet. I read stuff on all sites which is undeniably rubbish masquerading as deep thought. You are the opposite! Take what you want from this.
I liked it but feel ashamed to admit it as I understood so little of it....if anything.
I sometimes feel the need to scream "make it poetry!" at your efforts but frankly, it just would lose too much in the translation.
Best,
tectak

Thanks for pointiing out the typo.(sig > sign)
And for explaining poetry to me. ;-)
A much as it will unease you, uneasy above is a noun. No arses needed.

into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses

= good enough for me.

---

"and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?"

Be nude!
----------------
"senseness" is cute. You learn. ;.)

---

The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, No follow though, serge. " and now you rock (...........) and no underwear" Oiu?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart probably full stop here. You are trying too hard to "write" inflexion. The words are enough. So no drama, please, as we approach perfection. Irony in this!
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses. A sergism but not one of your bestnesses
Please chase my uneasy
right out through the door. Word missing. Ass? Help. Sentence has no senseness

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sig, Not a good sign
under a cheesecake moon LOVE THIS

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times sometimes
to remedy that not Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right.....

Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Hi serge,
As always, you are the thinking man's crumpet. I read stuff on all sites which is undeniably rubbish masquerading as deep thought. You are the opposite! Take what you want from this.
I liked it but feel ashamed to admit it as I understood so little of it....if anything.
I sometimes feel the need to scream "make it poetry!" at your efforts but frankly, it just would lose too much in the translation.
Best,
tectak

Hi serge,
if you want me to agree with everything you may say in the future...I will. Just say the word. My final comment until the regime begins....in NO language is "uneasy" a
noun. There, I have said it.
Best,
tectak
PS I will check it out in Danish and report back ( or shoulder....bacon you know)

[serge gurkski]

of course it is no noun. I abuse it here. ,-)
like in the Big Easy, you know.
Please let there be a big Uneasy, too. I need it.
Maybe I should instead use: uneasiness? But it is not sexy. Well, the feeling is not either.

(Btw: this is an organic approach poem. ;-) )

Thank you for your comments. Appreciated as always.

cheers
serge the crumpet

---------------------------------
"to remedy that not. Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right....."
You are so mean to me sometimes! ;-)

[tectak]

of course it is no noun. I abuse it here. ,-)
like in the Big Easy, you know.
Please let there be a big Uneasy, too. I need it.
Maybe I should instead use: uneasiness? But it is not sexy. Well, the feeling is not either.

(Btw: this is an organic approach poem. ;-) )

Thank you for your comments. Appreciated as always.

cheers
serge the crumpet

---------------------------------
"to remedy that not. Apart from the yoda, this is a funny line. It reminds me of something God said, and I think he may be right....."
You are so mean to me sometimes! ;-)

.....it may not be sexy but it is a word. Schipol Airport, bugger. Mind your step.Mind your step. Mind your step.Mind your step. AAAAARrRGGGGHahHah!
tectak

[billy]

hi serge, the problem i have is this, do i read your poem and leave feedback on it or do i fuck off a watch a vid of some foreign bird sing in a language i have no interest in and can't understand? the vid adds absolutely fuck all to the poem for me, but took up 4 minutes of my time watching it and 5 minutes of my time writing about how it meant fuck all; you can see what i'm getting at can't you

the poem on the other hand is worth reading. i do like how you express yourself in the poetry you write, it feels free. and somehow drags the reader into it. this is no different though i think it could do with a smallish edit.

The French was lovely. great opener
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock, is 'and now' needed?
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, good image, i hope it's a girl should it end with a period?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart,
so: no drama, please,
as we approach perfection. i think this last line ties in well with the title as it feels laid back

I feel so sublime is 'so sublime' any different that 'sublime'?
now in my prime please make this rhyme go away
fading away
into other nothingnesses.
Please chase my uneasy not a phrase i've heard but it works
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon. lovely tasting line.

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not. this stanza need work not does it

Let me repeat for you just this: here same work it needs

The French was not bad. great finish but not as great as good french

[serge gurkski]

hi serge, the problem i have is this, do i read your poem and leave feedback on it or do i fuck off a watch a vid of some foreign bird sing in a language i have no interest in and can't understand? the vid adds absolutely fuck all to the poem for me, but took up 4 minutes of my time watching it and 5 minutes of my time writing about how it meant fuck all; you can see what i'm getting at can't you

the poem on the other hand is worth reading. i do like how you express yourself in the poetry you write, it feels free. and somehow drags the reader into it. this is no different though i think it could do with a smallish edit.

The French was lovely. great opener
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock, is 'and now' needed?
show no inhibitions
and no underwear, good image, i hope it's a girl should it end with a period?

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart,
so: no drama, please,
as we approach perfection. i think this last line ties in well with the title as it feels laid back

I feel so sublime is 'so sublime' any different that 'sublime'?
now in my prime please make this rhyme go away
fading away
into other nothingnesses.
Please chase my uneasy not a phrase i've heard but it works
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon. lovely tasting line.

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not. this stanza need work not does it

Let me repeat for you just this: here same work it needs

The French was not bad. great finish but not as great as good french

Hi billy,
thank you for looking into this.
I've done a smallish edit. ,-)
I have also thrown out the chick, Elis Regina, because you have already listened to her. ,-)

cheers

serge, hon. Brit

[billy]

mainly the last stanza i see, it does read better as does the removal of the vid
still not sure the last stanza is at it's best but it is a lot better

[serge gurkski]

mainly the last stanza i see, it does read better as does the removal of the vid
still not sure the last stanza is at it's best but it is a lot better

I will change it to:

The clowneries of love affairs aside,
when summer bumps into me,
my goodbye address will read:
the French, it wasn't bad.

cheers
serge

[billy]

i'm a fool, i meant penultimate stanza but i'm glad i got it wrong cos i think the new last stanza is much better.

[serge gurkski]

i'm a fool, i meant penultimate stanza but i'm glad i got it wrong cos i think the new last stanza is much better.

agreed.

[Brownlie]

Smallish edit plus new last stanza:
Gotta go with Tec and say that I think I missed the point of the poem. This could mean I am a poor reader or the poem could benefit in becoming more clear


The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts: - I would describe lusting hearts in an action.
You rock now!
Show no inhibitions
and no underwear!

My Lady Applebright: -you are -Your lady what century is this?right for my heart,
so: no drama, please,
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
when I'm fading away
into other nirvanas.
Please, chase my uneasy
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon. -cheesecake moon?

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times sometimes
to refuse the remedy.

The clowneries of love affairs aside,
when summer bumps into me,
my goodbye address will read:
the French, it wasn't bad.

---------------------
Original:


The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear,

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart[
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses.
Please, chase my uneasy
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon,

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not.
Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Again I agree with tec that there is a potentially deep insight that the poem didn't convey to me. Good post.

[serge gurkski]

Smallish edit plus new last stanza:
Gotta go with Tec and say that I think I missed the point of the poem. This could mean I am a poor reader or the poem could benefit in becoming more clear


The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts: - I would describe lusting hearts in an action.
You rock now!
Show no inhibitions
and no underwear!

My Lady Applebright: -you are -Your lady what century is this?right for my heart,
so: no drama, please,
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
when I'm fading away
into other nirvanas.
Please, chase my uneasy
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon. -cheesecake moon?

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times sometimes
to refuse the remedy.

The clowneries of love affairs aside,
when summer bumps into me,
my goodbye address will read:
the French, it wasn't bad.

---------------------
Original:


The French was lovely.
Coming up next
in the theatre of lusting hearts,
and now You rock,
show no inhibitions
and no underwear,

My Lady Applebright: you are
right for my heart[
so: no drama please
as we approach perfection.

I feel so sublime
now in my prime
fading away
into other nothingnesses.
Please, chase my uneasy
right out through the door.

Can you do that,
can you love me
while I am dead?
Born under a bad sign,
under a cheesecake moon,

When I was born
heaven made a mistake,
and it is hard times
to remedy that not.
Let me repeat for you just this:

the French was not bad.

Again I agree with tec that there is a potentially deep insight that the poem didn't convey to me. Good post.

Hi Brownlie, thank you for reading and commenting!
I understand that you have a hard time knowing what is going on here. That comes to no surprise for me because it addresses a particular reader, not you. ,-)
I posted it here to hone it as far as the Englishness of it is concerned.
That might hav been unfair but Tom and billy jumped on it and did help me improve it.
It is just a ditty.
French here carries strong sexual connotations. Lady ... is willfully old-fashioned for fun and cheesecake moon, besides being just a metaphor, is a reference to a New Orleans poet.

cheers
serge