Crushed

[billy]

Crushed (Revision)

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed. is this line needed?
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling her since she walked in. is 'since she walked in' needed?

She listens patiently; smiles graciously, an image for the smile would be better than the tell for me, a simile perhaps
allowing him to try his favorite lines-- is he trying or working?
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

i like this sid. you do write a lot of stuff that reminds me of me .
it's better without the undressing part the only real nit i have is the try in L 3, of the 2nd. it feel a little week. the 1st verse sets him out to be a player, that's why i suggested 'work his fave lines' jmo

thanks for the read.

original

Nonchalantly sidling up,
speech refined and well-rehearsed.
He crafts his conversation
of controlled mendacities.
Well placed, unassuming glances
mask the fact, his eyes have not
stopped fondling and undressing her,
since she walked through the door.

She listens patiently; smiles graciously,
allowing him to try his favorite lines--
but can't help thinking of that roach
she crushed beneath her shoe that morning.

Sid