Plasticine

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi T&L,

Just some thoughts:

You do some nice things with the refrain in that you mix it up with the lead in well. I'm still not sure though that you might not be better served condensing the whole thing to one strophe with one instance of the refrain.

I remember a limousine
and a girl singing
just flat enough to notice--This line is interesting because of the break on singing and the dual meaning of flat in context. It's my favorite moment in the poem.
a shyness not quite abandoned
behind darkened windows and drinks included.--with may be a better choice than and

I remember Plasticine,
a chorus of perfumes smudging
and vaguely listening--This is a bit awkward as you have it the perfumes are listening and I don't think that's your intent
to one crying out
through darkened windows and drinks included.

I remember a broken dream--broken dream is cliche and not shorthand for something you could probably make more interesting if you tried again
and a sunrise outside a limousine
that slid in without remark;--I like the content of this line
a thief emboldened
by darkened windows and drinks included

I still think this may be more powerful condensed to one strophe, but that could be more of a style choice on my part.

Hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Thank you Todd. Much of your issues with the piece are the same as my own. I hate "broken dream" but my fixes are worse. Haha. Condensing had not really occurred to me, but I will try it. Appreciate your time and thoughts.