03-18-2013, 04:17 AM
hi Pseudonym,
unlike tectak, I think I see what you're trying to do with this poem. you just need to be a bit clearer with your message. the poem leaves the reader with a feeling more than a thought, which is a start but it can be improved upon.
I think milo has definitely begun pointing this poem in a good direction, and I have a few things to add. "awake to lions" even as "awaken to lions" doesn't work for me. maybe you could choose the howls of baboons or something more interesting instead. also, I think in the second "my parents used to live by the zoo" you should make it clear that we've switched zoos by then (unless I misunderstood there).
the last stanza is my favorite, but the end doesn't work. it's quite nice as it is, so I'd just leave it and wrap up with a last stanza.
hope this helps. don't give up on this piece.
ps "gotten" is perfectly acceptable. I'm an English teacher and it's in even the British textbooks as American English.
unlike tectak, I think I see what you're trying to do with this poem. you just need to be a bit clearer with your message. the poem leaves the reader with a feeling more than a thought, which is a start but it can be improved upon.
I think milo has definitely begun pointing this poem in a good direction, and I have a few things to add. "awake to lions" even as "awaken to lions" doesn't work for me. maybe you could choose the howls of baboons or something more interesting instead. also, I think in the second "my parents used to live by the zoo" you should make it clear that we've switched zoos by then (unless I misunderstood there).
the last stanza is my favorite, but the end doesn't work. it's quite nice as it is, so I'd just leave it and wrap up with a last stanza.
hope this helps. don't give up on this piece.
ps "gotten" is perfectly acceptable. I'm an English teacher and it's in even the British textbooks as American English.
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.