12-26-2012, 07:59 AM
I like that you took 2 effects of emotions and connected them to 2 people. Tears that represent pain and smiles that represent joy and made it original. I also like that you stuck to it throughout the poem.
Intermingle, you and I, I your depth and you my power
That line is really good, I take it along with the metaphors as literal because tears is liquid so it represents depth and smiles is using your muscles so it is powerful. Although, I don't think you need "you and I"
What I noticed is that the 2nd line is a long cliche that doesn't do anything for the rest of the poem. I get that when tears fall they fall on the lips, but the line itself is over used not the idea or meaning itself
Comma after "thus"
I like the "when we make love you kiss me away" I take that as the kiss taking away the "tear self" but it's generic and doesn't stand out.
This is a sweet love poem that has a lot going for it with original lines and it's realistic, it doesn't have that fairy-tale mushyness to it. This poem to me progressed as I read further, it got better with the idea and the metaphors. It just has long lines that can be shortened and still have that same intensity.
Intermingle, you and I, I your depth and you my power
That line is really good, I take it along with the metaphors as literal because tears is liquid so it represents depth and smiles is using your muscles so it is powerful. Although, I don't think you need "you and I"
What I noticed is that the 2nd line is a long cliche that doesn't do anything for the rest of the poem. I get that when tears fall they fall on the lips, but the line itself is over used not the idea or meaning itself
Comma after "thus"
I like the "when we make love you kiss me away" I take that as the kiss taking away the "tear self" but it's generic and doesn't stand out.
This is a sweet love poem that has a lot going for it with original lines and it's realistic, it doesn't have that fairy-tale mushyness to it. This poem to me progressed as I read further, it got better with the idea and the metaphors. It just has long lines that can be shortened and still have that same intensity.