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Okay, so I've been working on this poem for a while because I was not pleased with the original message... Somehow it just wrote itself, but I think I've "taken back control" now. Hope you guys like it!
On a canvas I paint the world I see
I use all nuances to paint the diversity
I know every color has its own charm
But favoring we cause so much harm
I look at all the history, the facts, all that I know,
I strip myself of colors, I know they're faux
Nothing is left, but the reflection of light
I dip my hands into the opposite of white
Tears run down my cheek, with fists I rub my eyes
If we can't handle the beauty we must pay the prize
Colorblind, all paintings black, white and gray
a world with no pretty tricks for our minds to play
Maybe we then could live peacefully, day by day?
Constructive criticism is very welcome!
It's a simple rhyming poem. Some of the rhymes feel forced. But the message of the poem somehow makes that seem unimportant.
What about the word "prize"? "Pay the prize"?
When you get the deeper message of the poem, it does seem like you'd want to express it with less forced sounding lines.
It's on its way. A few more drafts maybe?
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I think this started out as strong, like a statement or a declaration but then the last stanza and especially the last line kinda fizzled out.
I like "Tears run down my cheek, with fists I rub my eyes" to me it signifies anger, but the rest felt either cliche or didn't make the same impact as the rest of the poem. The last line shouldn't be a question because yet again the poem shows strength and standing up but it ended with a question mark and unoriginal.
The first 2 stanzas is a simple image, but meaningful...I really them. They're influential in a way and observant.
This has very good potential.
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Re:panda poem.
I felt that your poem has a lot promise that some how did not quite come through in this draft and that with only a small amount of (extra) tweeking you could perhaps draw out a meatier version of this, that i felt was in your mind when you wrote this, but it perhaps got left behind in the need to keep the rhyme going.
I agree with arbil_poieo that the first two stanza were stronger than the last and so I would suggest looking at the last section first in any edits.
I liked the strength of feeling for the subject, which came though well and then again the frustration of the medium when filtered through personal perspective, as presented through a painter's eyes. It added depth and interest to the read.
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Hello kamirakara. Like the rest I like the messege of the poem. But I think as a result trying to creat a rhyme rather than keep a rhythm, it makes it feel forced.
In other words, instead of trying to match the last words of the line, set yourself a count. ie. 1 and 2 and 3, and so on. and make each syllable a count, I think you may give yourself more freedom, and it won't feel so forced.
Quote:On a canvas I paint the world I see
I use all nuances to paint the diversity
I know every color has its own charm
But favoring we cause so much harm
I look at all the history, the facts, all that I know,
I strip myself of colors, I know they're faux
Nothing is left, but the reflection of light
I dip my hands into the opposite of white
Tears run down my cheek, with fists I rub my eyes
If we can't handle the beauty we must pay the prize
Colorblind, all paintings black, white and gray
a world with no pretty tricks for our minds to play
Maybe we then could live peacefully, day by day?
