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+--- Thread: When Smile and Tears Meet (/thread-7842.html)
When Smile and Tears Meet - Rose Love - 12-23-2012
You’re a smile on the lips, I’m a tear moist in the eye
When sadness comes, I fall down, and you catch me when I cry
When we make love you kiss me away, your lips glisten with my dew
I melt into your virile form and sip the nectar that is you
And once inside my teary depth, your moves will don a watery grace
And I submit my quivering tear to your staunch and steady pace
Until smiling tears and tearing smiles explode within a shower
Intermingle, you and I, I your depth and you my power
Thus into your grounding smile my supple teardrop coalesces
As your soul and mine in God are woven with caresses.
RE: When Smile and Tears Meet - rowens - 12-26-2012
(12-23-2012, 12:36 AM)Rose Love Wrote: You’re a smile on the lips, I’m a tear moist in the eye
When sadness comes, I fall down, and you catch me when I cry
When we make love you kiss me away, your lips glisten with my dew
I melt into your virile form and sip the nectar that is you
And once inside my teary depth, your moves will don a watery grace
And I submit my quivering tear to your staunch and steady pace
Until smiling tears and tearing smiles explode within a shower
Intermingle, you and I, I your depth and you my power
Thus into your grounding smile my supple teardrop coalesces
As your soul and mine in God are woven with caresses.
This poem isn't bad. The lines
"Until smiling tears and tearing smiles explode within a shower
Intermingle, you and I, I your depth and you my power"
get difficult because of the word "Intermingle" following "explode within a shower", but it works in a way. Maybe "exploding"; look at it and see what I mean.
RE: When Smile and Tears Meet - arbil_poieo - 12-26-2012
I like that you took 2 effects of emotions and connected them to 2 people. Tears that represent pain and smiles that represent joy and made it original. I also like that you stuck to it throughout the poem.
Intermingle, you and I, I your depth and you my power
That line is really good, I take it along with the metaphors as literal because tears is liquid so it represents depth and smiles is using your muscles so it is powerful. Although, I don't think you need "you and I"
What I noticed is that the 2nd line is a long cliche that doesn't do anything for the rest of the poem. I get that when tears fall they fall on the lips, but the line itself is over used not the idea or meaning itself
Comma after "thus"
I like the "when we make love you kiss me away" I take that as the kiss taking away the "tear self" but it's generic and doesn't stand out.
This is a sweet love poem that has a lot going for it with original lines and it's realistic, it doesn't have that fairy-tale mushyness to it. This poem to me progressed as I read further, it got better with the idea and the metaphors. It just has long lines that can be shortened and still have that same intensity.
RE: When Smile and Tears Meet - Rose Love - 12-26-2012
Hi. Wow, thanks for the replies. I thought this thread was history; I was just coming back to delete it.
I think I have the same answer for a comment both of you made--not the same comment I think, but I have a feeling the cause for the comments is the same.
The question of "intermingle/explode" and "you and I" after intermingle.
"You and I" are the subject of "intermingle," so they are necessary. I think that answer might also satisfy the issue Rowens brought up with "explode," but I wasn't sure if I saw what he was referring to.
I had taken a 2nd look at that "intermingle" there before when I originally wrote it, but I have since realized that it is not an infinitive, but the 1st person plural form of the verb with "you and I" being the subject.
Quote:This is a sweet love poem that has a lot going for itThanks.
Tragically, the relationship I wrote it about didn't have a lot going for it...
RE: When Smile and Tears Meet - rowens - 12-27-2012
(12-26-2012, 10:21 PM)Rose Love Wrote: The question of "intermingle/explode" and "you and I" after intermingle.It works, if you approach it that way. The lack of punctuation after "shower" can lead you to read on to the next line without pausing in thought though you pause in reading.
"You and I" are the subject of "intermingle," so they are necessary. I think that answer might also satisfy the issue Rowens brought up with "explode," but I wasn't sure if I saw what he was referring to.
I had taken a 2nd look at that "intermingle" there before when I originally wrote it, but I have since realized that it is not an infinitive, but the 1st person plural form of the verb with "you and I" being the subject.
But if you look back at the poem, and see that there are few commas and only one period, and go with the theme of flowing together, you can get what it's saying. The most important thing is that the person reading it pauses long enough at the end of the line to see the next line as it should be. Some people will, some won't. So you can leave it as it is, or put a comma or a colon or something like that. Whatever feels right.