Poetry Forum › Poetry Forum › Haiku, Senryu, Short Form Poetry.
On the slab

On the slab
escorial Offline
member
****
Posts: 33
Threads: 13
Joined: Feb 2013
#1
02-27-2013, 08:11 PM
Cold as ice
Chill
Equality
Reply
billy Offline
Are you alluding to me?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
#2
02-27-2013, 11:42 PM
this is cool little number. it fills the rquirements for a senryu and shows you don't always need a 5,7,5 formay. i'd remove the title and just call it a senryu.
Poetic Devices *** Why Read Poetry? *** Poetry Tips
Reply
cidermaid Offline
Apple Queen
**********
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
#3
02-28-2013, 03:07 AM
Not so sure about the idea of removing the title. Think it might lack definition without.
Would chill just read as a repetition if was not thinking of a corps?
Just my thoughts. Liked the brevity. AJ
Reply
Keith Offline
No Time On His Hands Now
**********
Posts: 865
Threads: 232
Joined: Oct 2012
#4
03-01-2013, 05:27 AM
Chilled rather than chill would form a link with equality or not just a suggestion, title could be seen as a cheat but this one adds to the poem's set up and since your not conforming anyway then who cares, I like it.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
Jae Mc Donnell Offline
Senior Member
******
Posts: 108
Threads: 32
Joined: Dec 2012
#5
03-03-2013, 07:53 AM
(02-27-2013, 08:11 PM)escorial Wrote:  Cold as ice
Chill
Equality

Yeah I like this one. Very cool. I do agree chilled would work better
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!