This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.


First Revision

Her silence,
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….


ORIGINAL

There‘s a silence to her words,
yet they capture his attention.
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
sure to bring him comfort.
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

(07-14-2014, 09:22 AM)KROD Wrote:  This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.




There‘s a silence to her words,
yet they capture his attention.
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
sure to bring him comfort.
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

Hey there,

Great effort! Really steamy stuff towards the middle and last stanza. There are some areas where I feel as if you tried to overly poeticize the language (i.e. it sounds a little played out/ less personable) IMO. Also for the lines "There‘s a silence to her words, /yet they capture his attention." I feel as if you could've made it clear that his attention was captured without plain saying it. Hope this helps.

Thanks for reading and commenting on it. I'll give your suggestions some thought as I continue to work on my writing. Thanks again!

Thanks MachIII for your comments. I like the way your revision sounds. I'm going to have to give that some serious consideration. I'm waiting to see if I get more comments and suggestions so that I could implement any changes at that time. I probably will make this change though. Thanks again!

(07-14-2014, 09:22 AM)KROD Wrote:  This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.




There‘s a silence to her words,
Is silence truly an adjective you want to reach for here? It seems arbitrary to begin a poem with a very vague juxtaposition of two such ideas that don't really make much of an impact. You might benefit from trying to imagine how the words effected the speaker (physically, emotionally, sensationally etc.)

yet they capture his attention. [I like this line but.. you would benefit from trying to spice up your diction when you review and edit this.]
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
Does he really need to imagine, given that he is with her now?

sure to bring him comfort. I must say that your rhythm is quite good for a novice, I'll give you that
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.
This sentence seems too wordy after the relatively consistent rhythm found in the rest of the first stanza.

His eyes now upon her beauty. Weak opening line.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color. Dodgy punctuation work here; try separating phrases a little bit more distinctly and pointedly. Try to remember that form is generally what distinguishes prose from poetry. Though there is nothing wrong with the methods of delivery you are using, the true 'art' of poetry is the balancing of words and phrases. Paint your art lightly and with purpose!
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought. Redundancy of 'his', and pronouns thereof.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts. Try to show what the speaker is feeling without just stating it. Sensation, imagery, figurative language, all of these tools are at your disposal. Try to find the one that is right for what you are trying to express here. You are going for poetic expression of an idea, not a verbatim relation of information.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales. keep that advice in mind throughout the rest of the poem
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination. Exhausted? Try to really think through all these adjectives you are trying to throw into your work. Someone in this situation would likely feel the farthest thing from exhausted; i.e. sexually primed and ready to go, excited, nervous, awed, rapturous... But very doubtfully 'exhausted'.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails. consider adding a fragment on the end here to complete the coupling. See if you can find what I mean

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure. 'together' makes that sentence feel clunky, but the symphonic allusions and connotations are good.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

All in all I liked this poem. It evoked lots of emotions. I took such a critical look at it, because I feel like that is the best way to help you hone and improve your skills. I did enjoy it quite a bit, though the end feels innately incomplete. While the 'hanging' feeling I got at the end was interesting, it was not really satisfying. A statement such as the ending phrase would be better used in the middle, or right before the 'climax' of the poem.

Hopefully you take a good look at your poem with mine and other's advice in mind band welcome to the PigPen.

Thank you and I appreciate your help. I just put my first revision before I read your comments. I see what you mean about "redundancy in pronouns" and trying to "show what the speaker is feeling without stating it" Those are the ones I'll focus on for now. Yes this poem was edited before I posted it because it was a bit explicit, though tasteful, I think..... so it actually continues on from this ending. I chose that part as the ending to leave it to the reader to think where it would go from there. I'm glad you did like it. Thanks again!

(07-14-2014, 09:22 AM)KROD Wrote:  This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.
Hi,
This is movingin the right direction. Technical nits in the body text.
Best,
tectak

First Revision

Her silence, No comma
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice Rhythm. "He imagines the comfort of her sweet voice"
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication. Same. " but comfort turns quickly to intoxication." Note that you do not need, and should not strive, to capitalise each line start. It is retro and confusing.

His eyes now upon her beauty. "His eyes are greedy for her beauty". Why? Because it makes metaphorical sense. Your line does not."greedy" means you cannot get enough. Your poem
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color. You may have abandoned meter but that should not mean the end of rhythm....you use sweet twice. In the first instance you may get away with it...a sweet voice...but avoid repeated words and especially when describing, as you do, her skin as a sweet colour. Oh. You meant sweet-caramel colour? You did not write that. Caramel IS sweet. It is sugar. It is like saying a lemon flavoured lemon. It is not easy, this poetry lark, but it IS great fun
He traces her neckline with his eyes, A cliche but you can have one...just one, mark you.
his heart beats heavily with his every thought. "...heart beats heavily...hmmmm
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.Lip. Try biting them both in the mirror! You are making hard work for yourself with this present-tense real-time commentary. You are at once the character and the observer....otherwise how do you, the observer, know what he, the character, is thinking? It is not working for me
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination. Very unlikely, as has been pointed out. You could rephrase this. You SHOULD rephrase this.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him, Two trying
but he fails. No. I think that this is slipping away from you. You are assuming more than it is wise to to do. It is becoming blatantly obvious that YOU, the observer, are doing the thinking for HIM, the character....and you think too slowly under the circumstances that your character finds himself in. It is valliant effort but will create pools of stagnant prose as you struggle to find clear water. Look at the next stanza. Pleasure, sweet, caramel,skin,thought, body(ies)...you have used all these words before. There are a hell of a lot of words out there.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync. synch is misplaced in this. "The rhythm slow and synchronised"
Bodies in melodic harmony, A strange metaphor that sounds longer than it weighs. Sorry, but you are comparing apples with toothpaste. Bodies-melodic? Friction I guess.
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger, Works well with earlier "greedy" suggestion...but a neck eater?
but only for a moment……. Yeah....that's the trouble with most delicacies....you eat 'em and you're still hungry

Yes to this but give it more freedom of movement. You are limiting yourself to the "as is" without developing the "as might be". Let your imagination carry you. As it is, you are using "device" words. Pleasure, sweet, hunger, taste, sensuous, harmony,comfort...what the hell am I supposed to use, you ask?OK. Fair question. What you should be trying to do is "show" what these words represent. So "sweet" becomes e.g. " like nectar sipped from summer blooms"; "pleasure", in context, becomes "a symphony of dreaming peace".
These are poor examples of a quick-fix but that is the nature of the poetic spirit. Try to make images from thoughts...you CAN do it.
Very good edit and a worthy start.
Best,
tectak[/b]

ORIGINAL

There‘s a silence to her words,
yet they capture his attention.
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
sure to bring him comfort.
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

Southern Peaches
This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.


First Revision

Her silence,
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches. "I felt like this was the end of the poem or that it should be"
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

I too have very little knowledge of mechanics, structure and such.

I think we'll both get there eventually. Thanks for your comments. As for the ending, the poem ends with him finally touching her and he can't get enough, so use your imagination of what could've happened next. This is actually edited even before I posted t here.

---

(07-16-2014, 08:25 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(07-14-2014, 09:22 AM)KROD Wrote:  This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.
Hi,
This is movingin the right direction. Technical nits in the body text.
Best,
tectak

First Revision

Her silence, No comma
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice Rhythm. "He imagines the comfort of her sweet voice"
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication. Same. " but comfort turns quickly to intoxication." Note that you do not need, and should not strive, to capitalise each line start. It is retro and confusing.

His eyes now upon her beauty. "His eyes are greedy for her beauty". Why? Because it makes metaphorical sense. Your line does not."greedy" means you cannot get enough. Your poem
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color. You may have abandoned meter but that should not mean the end of rhythm....you use sweet twice. In the first instance you may get away with it...a sweet voice...but avoid repeated words and especially when describing, as you do, her skin as a sweet colour. Oh. You meant sweet-caramel colour? You did not write that. Caramel IS sweet. It is sugar. It is like saying a lemon flavoured lemon. It is not easy, this poetry lark, but it IS great fun
He traces her neckline with his eyes, A cliche but you can have one...just one, mark you.
his heart beats heavily with his every thought. "...heart beats heavily...hmmmm
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.Lip. Try biting them both in the mirror! You are making hard work for yourself with this present-tense real-time commentary. You are at once the character and the observer....otherwise how do you, the observer, know what he, the character, is thinking? It is not working for me
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination. Very unlikely, as has been pointed out. You could rephrase this. You SHOULD rephrase this.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him, Two trying
but he fails. No. I think that this is slipping away from you. You are assuming more than it is wise to to do. It is becoming blatantly obvious that YOU, the observer, are doing the thinking for HIM, the character....and you think too slowly under the circumstances that your character finds himself in. It is valliant effort but will create pools of stagnant prose as you struggle to find clear water. Look at the next stanza. Pleasure, sweet, caramel,skin,thought, body(ies)...you have used all these words before. There are a hell of a lot of words out there.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync. synch is misplaced in this. "The rhythm slow and synchronised"
Bodies in melodic harmony, A strange metaphor that sounds longer than it weighs. Sorry, but you are comparing apples with toothpaste. Bodies-melodic? Friction I guess.
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger, Works well with earlier "greedy" suggestion...but a neck eater?
but only for a moment……. Yeah....that's the trouble with most delicacies....you eat 'em and you're still hungry

Yes to this but give it more freedom of movement. You are limiting yourself to the "as is" without developing the "as might be". Let your imagination carry you. As it is, you are using "device" words. Pleasure, sweet, hunger, taste, sensuous, harmony,comfort...what the hell am I supposed to use, you ask?OK. Fair question. What you should be trying to do is "show" what these words represent. So "sweet" becomes e.g. " like nectar sipped from summer blooms"; "pleasure", in context, becomes "a symphony of dreaming peace".
These are poor examples of a quick-fix but that is the nature of the poetic spirit. Try to make images from thoughts...you CAN do it.
Very good edit and a worthy start.
Best,
tectak[/b]

ORIGINAL

There‘s a silence to her words,
yet they capture his attention.
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
sure to bring him comfort.
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

Thank you.Some good suggestions.

---

Revision #2
Still needs work but that's why I'm here.


Her silence,
captures my attention.
the sweetness of her voice,
comforting to me.
But I quickly become intoxicated.

Her beauty is captivating.
The fullness of her lips,
and caramel-colored skin.
My body paralyzed with admiration,
as I look further down.

Enticing and perfectly shaped
a delight for my hands and mouth.
I bite my lip, and slowly exhale.
Mind and body now overcome with fascination.
I try, but I can’t look away.
My efforts to control my thoughts,
fail.

Our bodies now begin our musical journey.
The rhythm, slow.
Bodies synchronized
and orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her taste,
is sensuous and pleasing
like southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes my hunger,
but only for a moment…….

(07-21-2014, 04:40 AM)KROD Wrote:  I think we'll both get there eventually. Thanks for your comments. As for the ending, the poem ends with him finally touching her and he can't get enough, so use your imagination of what could've happened next. This is actually edited even before I posted t here.

---

(07-16-2014, 08:25 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(07-14-2014, 09:22 AM)KROD Wrote:  This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.
Hi,
This is movingin the right direction. Technical nits in the body text.
Best,
tectak

First Revision

Her silence, No comma
captures his attention.
He imagines the comforting sweetness of her voice Rhythm. "He imagines the comfort of her sweet voice"
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication. Same. " but comfort turns quickly to intoxication." Note that you do not need, and should not strive, to capitalise each line start. It is retro and confusing.

His eyes now upon her beauty. "His eyes are greedy for her beauty". Why? Because it makes metaphorical sense. Your line does not."greedy" means you cannot get enough. Your poem
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color. You may have abandoned meter but that should not mean the end of rhythm....you use sweet twice. In the first instance you may get away with it...a sweet voice...but avoid repeated words and especially when describing, as you do, her skin as a sweet colour. Oh. You meant sweet-caramel colour? You did not write that. Caramel IS sweet. It is sugar. It is like saying a lemon flavoured lemon. It is not easy, this poetry lark, but it IS great fun
He traces her neckline with his eyes, A cliche but you can have one...just one, mark you.
his heart beats heavily with his every thought. "...heart beats heavily...hmmmm
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.Lip. Try biting them both in the mirror! You are making hard work for yourself with this present-tense real-time commentary. You are at once the character and the observer....otherwise how do you, the observer, know what he, the character, is thinking? It is not working for me
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination. Very unlikely, as has been pointed out. You could rephrase this. You SHOULD rephrase this.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him, Two trying
but he fails. No. I think that this is slipping away from you. You are assuming more than it is wise to to do. It is becoming blatantly obvious that YOU, the observer, are doing the thinking for HIM, the character....and you think too slowly under the circumstances that your character finds himself in. It is valliant effort but will create pools of stagnant prose as you struggle to find clear water. Look at the next stanza. Pleasure, sweet, caramel,skin,thought, body(ies)...you have used all these words before. There are a hell of a lot of words out there.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync. synch is misplaced in this. "The rhythm slow and synchronised"
Bodies in melodic harmony, A strange metaphor that sounds longer than it weighs. Sorry, but you are comparing apples with toothpaste. Bodies-melodic? Friction I guess.
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger, Works well with earlier "greedy" suggestion...but a neck eater?
but only for a moment……. Yeah....that's the trouble with most delicacies....you eat 'em and you're still hungry

Yes to this but give it more freedom of movement. You are limiting yourself to the "as is" without developing the "as might be". Let your imagination carry you. As it is, you are using "device" words. Pleasure, sweet, hunger, taste, sensuous, harmony,comfort...what the hell am I supposed to use, you ask?OK. Fair question. What you should be trying to do is "show" what these words represent. So "sweet" becomes e.g. " like nectar sipped from summer blooms"; "pleasure", in context, becomes "a symphony of dreaming peace".
These are poor examples of a quick-fix but that is the nature of the poetic spirit. Try to make images from thoughts...you CAN do it.
Very good edit and a worthy start.
Best,
tectak[/b]

ORIGINAL

There‘s a silence to her words,
yet they capture his attention.
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
sure to bring him comfort.
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

Thank you.Some good suggestions.

---

Revision #2
Still needs work but that's why I'm here.


Her silence,
captures my attention.
the sweetness of her voice,
comforting to me. is comforting
But I quickly become intoxicated.

Her beauty is captivating. semicolon to avoid an orphaned next line
The fullness of her lips,
and caramel-colored skin.
My body paralyzed with admiration, body is. I know what you are trying to do but this kind of short-thought delivery does the piece no favours. Check yourself out. Are your thoughts punctuated? The "as" is weak.
With body transfixed in high admiration,
I am thankful for eyes that look further down.

Your poem.
as I look further down.

Enticing and perfectly shaped
a delight for my hands and mouth. Needs looking at. No pun. No sentence. No clarity. We guess, and that is fine, but you do not follow through in any salient way. With this much desire, this much nuance, this much lust, this much intimate display I would expect a clitoral lunge at the very least....but no....you bite your lip and exhale. C'est la vie, peut-etre...but we all know where this is going. The last three lines of this stanza are a catholic collapse. You don't need them. Go for it.
I bite my lip, and slowly exhale.
Mind and body now overcome with fascination.
I try, but I can’t look away.
My efforts to control my thoughts,
fail.

Our bodies now begin our musical journey. now and begin are tautological. Drop the "now". Use "a" instead of "our". You will see why in a moment
The rhythm, slow.
Bodies synchronized Our bodies begin a musical journey,
to move in slow rhythm, synchronised.
We two conjoin in a symphony of pleasure.

This avoids the increasing "body" count, the duplicated "our" and hopefully, but without much dexterity on my part, slightly improves the rhythm. Don't count the feet....oh, you don't

and orchestrating a symphony of pleasure. "and orchestrating" is too much. If you are going for the "symphony of pleasure " thing, note this.
Symphonies are usually in 4 parts or movements. Enjoy.

Open with a sonata or allegro then move in to a slow adagio, followed by a playful minuet and end with an allegro (gone are the days) or a rondo ( I can just manage that), even going back to a sonata.(That's me).

Something to consider, that's all.


Her taste, Probably better to say "The taste of her..." as "Her taste..." has another meaning, as in "Her taste in shoes..."[/b]
is sensuous and pleasing
like southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes my hunger,
but only for a moment…….

Still not sure about that penultimate silence-of-the-lambs moment but overall an excellent edit. Well done.
Best,
tectak