Hallelujah

[escorial]

i would love to believe
find you crossing my path
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long road

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are long
the night fades into daylight
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the street
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me aside
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah
__________________

[Malu]

i would love to believe I
find you crossing my path These first two lines don't read very well together.
stand by my side when i'm alone I'm
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long road Of course the road is long, when is it ever short? This can be strengthened with better vocabulary for better imagery.

when i see sunset i see only sky Both times, capitalize "i" and "when i see sunset i see" I think it should be sunsets.
in nature i see only miles to walk I
a swinging cross on a windscreen "miles to walk" but you're in car now. Interesting.
bible unread in a hotel room went from the car to the hotel, not very smoothly.
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are long
the night fades into daylight
my body is strong How strong?
the soul is weak How weak? Don't just tell us, show us.
lost in every place i visit I

was there a time i did believe I
when i was a kid in the street I
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered I

time has passed
life's journey as set me aside
ive cried and wished so hard I've, and how hard?
that you were really there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah you sing to the song?
__________________

This seemed rush, with almost zero attention to capitalizing the word I. The first two stanzas had some imagery, but the third barely did and the last two could use some as well.

[SirBrendan]

"stand by my side when i'm alone (well then you wouldn't be alone, would you)
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long road" (oh dude, the journey and road were metaphors for life. Totally novel way of seeing it)

Sorry about being dickish, but it really reads like you just didn't give a shit when you wrote this. You should try to express something new or express an old feeling in a new way, and here it seems you decided, "Poetry is easy, just say something about a road and crying."

[tigrflye]

before I start, it's my opinion that every word "i" should be changed to a capital "I".
i would love to believe
find you crossing my pathI want to read the first two sentences together since there is no punctuation at all in this poem. I would love to believe find you crossing my path. I recommend some punctuation. Even better would be: I'd love to believe I'll find you crossing my path. And punctuation.
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long roadthings like this have been said a lot before. Get more creative.

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are longthe road was long. Look for a different word
the night fades into daylightwhat is special about that.. doesn't it do that every morning?
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit I like this thought

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the streetthe preacher was in the street. If you could find a different word it would be stronger
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me asidelife's journey has set me aside?
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah I like this last image. I'd prefer "softly" instead of quietly
__________________

[tectak]

before I start, it's my opinion that every word "i" should be changed to a capital "I".
i would love to believe
find you crossing my pathI want to read the first two sentences together since there is no punctuation at all in this poem. I would love to believe find you crossing my path. I recommend some punctuation. Even better would be: I'd love to believe I'll find you crossing my path. And punctuation.
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long roadthings like this have been said a lot before. Get more creative.

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are longthe road was long. Look for a different word
the night fades into daylightwhat is special about that.. doesn't it do that every morning?
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit I like this thought

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the streetthe preacher was in the street. If you could find a different word it would be stronger
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me asidelife's journey has set me aside?
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah I like this last image. I'd prefer "softly" instead of quietly
__________________

Though we could be wrong, it is our understanding that escorial passed away earlier this year. If untrue, we can look forward to a spirited defense of this piece. If true....more spiritual than spirited. [/color]

[milo]

before I start, it's my opinion that every word "i" should be changed to a capital "I".
i would love to believe
find you crossing my pathI want to read the first two sentences together since there is no punctuation at all in this poem. I would love to believe find you crossing my path. I recommend some punctuation. Even better would be: I'd love to believe I'll find you crossing my path. And punctuation.
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long roadthings like this have been said a lot before. Get more creative.

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are longthe road was long. Look for a different word
the night fades into daylightwhat is special about that.. doesn't it do that every morning?
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit I like this thought

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the streetthe preacher was in the street. If you could find a different word it would be stronger
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me asidelife's journey has set me aside?
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah I like this last image. I'd prefer "softly" instead of quietly
__________________

Though we could be wrong, it is our understanding that escorial passed away earlier this year. If untrue, we can look forward to a spirited defense of this piece. If true....more spiritual than spirited. [/color]

Yes, escorial suicided about 6 months ago. There was a memorial on another site. It seems unlikely he will be doing further revisions.

[Viktor Vaughn]

Well, that definitely makes the poem more spiritual, and as well, I think it makes the imperfect grammar more meaningful.
May he rest in peace.

[drithebee]

This poem has an overwhelming theme of travel and motion in it.
The first and last stanzas mirror each other which is a nice way to frame the poem as well as provide a feeling of resolution or "bringing it full circle" in a sense. The repetition of key phrases helps to emphasize the point well. Having the title of the poem appear as the last word in the text is a nice touch.

I feel like the poem could use some development in its structural presentation to better suit the themes it discusses.

[Brian]

i would love to believe
find you crossing my path
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long road

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are long
the night fades into daylight
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the street
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me aside
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there I like the word here to replace there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah
__________________

There's not much I can add about the punctuation, Are you referring to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen? I listen to it often, and like many of the covers done by various artists, Miljenko Matijevik being my favorite.
Believe and street were both used twice with the end of a line, I feel like something different should have been used, probably just me.
The poem reminds me of a persons struggle to believe in God and shows that there is still faith,..imo I do like it

[tectak]

i would love to believe
find you crossing my path
stand by my side when i'm alone
walk with me on my journey
follow me down this long road

when i see sunset i see only sky
in nature i see only miles to walk
a swinging cross on a windscreen
bible unread in a hotel room
preacher shouting in the street

now the days are long
the night fades into daylight
my body is strong
the soul is weak
lost in every place i visit

was there a time i did believe
when i was a kid in the street
schooldays and morning mass
religious education class
i listened and wondered

time has passed
life's journey as set me aside
ive cried and wished so hard
that you were really there I like the word here to replace there
I often sing quietly to hallelujah
__________________

There's not much I can add about the punctuation, Are you referring to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen? I listen to it often, and like many of the covers done by various artists, Miljenko Matijevik being my favorite.
Believe and street were both used twice with the end of a line, I feel like something different should have been used, probably just me.
The poem reminds me of a persons struggle to believe in God and shows that there is still faith,..imo I do like it

Please read previous posts and reserve contemporary crit for the living. Out of respect for escorial this crit will stand but please do not expect a credited edit any time soon.
Mod

[Brian]

tectak

I had previously read where a person giving a critique had read a poem and gave his critique without reading all of the past reviews so as Not to be influenced by the other members posting critiques. This is what i had done with this poem. Perhaps in the future you could LOCK poems of the deceased as I did not know or realize this. If you think i would knowingly post on a dead mans thread, your'e a fool.

Out of respect, you could have simply deleted my post and sent me a pm with an explanation. But you chose to Critique me and highlight my mistake.

Would you care to explain what this means?
"please do not expect a credited edit any time soon."

Since you chose to publicly post your comments, so shall I

OR, you can choose to use your power to delete posts 9-11 and Lock the thread

You might also let drithebee from post #8 also be advised

[tectak]

tectak

I had previously read where a person giving a critique had read a poem and gave his critique without reading all of the past reviews so as Not to be influenced by the other members posting critiques. This is what i had done with this poem. Perhaps in the future you could LOCK poems of the deceased as I did not know or realize this. If you think i would knowingly post on a dead mans thread, your'e a fool.

Out of respect, you could have simply deleted my post and sent me a pm with an explanation. But you chose to Critique me and highlight my mistake.

Would you care to explain what this means?
"please do not expect a credited edit any time soon."

Since you chose to publicly post your comments, so shall I

OR, you can choose to use your power to delete posts 9-11 and Lock the thread

You might also let drithebee from post #8 also be advised

Yes. Point well made and taken. Unreserved apology...and yes, you should preferably continue to crit without regard to other critiques, though you may exercise free will. This is a first occurence in my time of circumstances like this. Others will decide on the thread lock.
Best,
tectak