I’m a navigator adrift
Pulled and forced by the tide
Through familiar waters swift
Along the currents gentle glide
The only sounds the steady beat
Of crashing waves and splashing feet
But alls drowned out by my prayer
And growing feelings of despair

Into rougher waters

Images of my past float by
On the sea of memories
My whole life drifts before my eye
Like a winters somber breeze
As I flow I see my wife
And we talk about my life
Her company’s and illusion
But it helps fight my seclusion

Into deeper waters

I used to sail without a care
On the currents calm and mild
When my ship seemed so yare
And my fate was reconciled
The difference now is I’m alone
And far away from captains throne
Now I know that life’s a gift
And so I’ll try to slowly drift

Into calmer waters



Any feedback would be great.

-Miles

I like the introspection and the progression of your thought. There are a few grammatical errors, where punctuation and spelling would bring this together a little more. This line: "When my ship seemed so yare" seems awkward and using such a little known word, kind of lost the point for me. Perhaps consider revising this line to match the tone of the rest of the piece. Overall, I liked the imagery of the ship that was carried consistently throughout.

(05-05-2013, 08:24 AM)pepes.kitty Wrote:  I like the introspection and the progression of your thought. There are a few grammatical errors, where punctuation and spelling would bring this together a little more. This line: "When my ship seemed so yare" seems awkward and using such a little known word, kind of lost the point for me. Perhaps consider revising this line to match the tone of the rest of the piece. Overall, I liked the imagery of the ship that was carried consistently throughout.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll have a look at that third stanza in particular.