A dog next to the river

[Magpie]

Today I observed a dog angry with the river.
In his eyes I saw fear,
incomprehensible rage,
raucous ragged reasoning; running
wretchedly round in rapid stuttering circles.
His restless body jumping, jolting,
jerking in wild confusion.
Struggling.... Staggering...
Logic lost... Senses stranded...
A trembling timid bark that tumbled to the ground;
the only defence he could muster against the
terrifying tormentors of his troubled mind.
I had seen this dog on many occasions previously;
but always from the other side of the river
and on each occasion I had mistakenly presumed
by his exuberant animated actions that he was having fun.

[NakedBear]

I think this could work. The last line, especially.

But how does an angry dog's eye look? How do we know he's angry with the river?

At best the narrator could 'suppose' those things about the dog, but he'd have to do so on observations alone (unless he's more than a mere man).

[Magpie]

I think this could work. The last line, especially.

But how does an angry dog's eye look? How do we know he's angry with the river?

At best the narrator could 'suppose' those things about the dog, but he'd have to do so on observations alone (unless he's more than a mere man).

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. In some ways I was a bit nervous about how this would be taken and even if it would taken as a poem, so the fact that someone else agrees that it can work gives me hope.
And straight I notice that the first line of it presumes, without any reasoning or explanation. I think possibly I was so concentrated on getting the sounds right and missed other aspects.
I will definitely think it through and try and improve.
Thanks once again.

[Heartafire]

I like the vivid imagery in this one. Here:
Today I observed a dog angry with the river.
In his eyes I saw fear,
incomprehensible rage,

I might drop today and forego observing anger, you mention the fear and rage in the next lines. I like the way you have ended this, I think that line is really the strongest.

[Magpie]

I like the vivid imagery in this one. Here:
Today I observed a dog angry with the river.
In his eyes I saw fear,
incomprehensible rage,

I might drop today and forego observing anger, you mention the fear and rage in the next lines. I like the way you have ended this, I think that line is really the strongest.

Thanks Heart for the kind comments,
I am definitely going to edit this, bearing in mind the comments that I have got. Originally it started as "Today I witnessed a dog barking at the river" but then because I mentioned his bark later on, I didn't want the repetition, but I didn't give enough thought to it at the time. Thanks also for mentioning that the last line is the best, I never noticed, but I suppose it doesn't come as a surprise to me coz I wrote so it is good to hear an objective point of view.

Also liked the poem about the rooster, I was going to leave an appropriate youtube video in the "what songs make you feel something" forum but I left two there yesterday and people might think I'm taking it over... but what the hell I'll do it anyway.

Thanks again.

[Volaticus]

Hi,
When I read it, it seemed a bit rough around the edges. But I like the poem as a whole, you "play" your words well and the whole story is ended excellently with the last two lines. The only thing I stumbled upon was that I couldn't figure out what made the dog so angry at the river, and why the fear in the dog's eyes? I see that you plan to revise this, so I'll very much look forward to read it. Thanks.

[Magpie]

Hi,
When I read it, it seemed a bit rough around the edges. But I like the poem as a whole, you "play" your words well and the whole story is ended excellently with the last two lines. The only thing I stumbled upon was that I couldn't figure out what made the dog so angry at the river, and why the fear in the dog's eyes? I see that you plan to revise this, so I'll very much look forward to read it. Thanks.

Thanks Volaticus for your comments, I indeed do plan to revise it and the two issues you raise I will have to somehow tackle but as yet am unsure about how to approach it. In truth this actually happened and I don't know why the fear or anger, I can only presume, but that was definitely terrified, I just need to think of a suitable way of expressing what I saw.
Thanks once again for taking the time to read and comment.
Much obliged.
AR