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From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child.
From choice and protocol we learn;
as life takes hold, we succour spurn,
and with ourselves become beguiled:
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come
as childhood skips into our skins;
living, uncontrolled and free:
this, too, will end.
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools;
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become our chiselled history:
which we endorse.
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall transcend!
Yet death, ah, death, we nothing know;
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, the plot so bold:
we die beguiled.
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012
Posts: 1,568
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Joined: Jun 2011
Lovely to read your words again, tectak. On the whole, this is a well-controlled poem with a metaphysical feel that I really enjoyed.
(12-13-2012, 09:15 PM)tectak Wrote: From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child. -- lovely rhythm and an excellent opening image
From choice and protocol we learn,
as life takes hold, we succour spurn, -- you've just got to have these inversions haven't you?  I don't think you need the rhyme, so personally I'd sort out the syntax as it really stands out here.
and with ourselves become beguiled; -- whereas the inversion here works as it's not so obviously forced
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come -- soon changes come upon us all?
as childhood skips into our skins; -- love this!
living, uncontrolled and free;
this, too, will end.
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools; -- "trite thoughts" is difficult on the tongue
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become just chiselled history
we must endorse.
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light -- you make this the volte with a wonderful change of tone
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall ascend!
Yet death, ah death, we nothing know; -- syntax!
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, that plot so bold,
we are beguiled. -- excellent summation, with the return to beguilement
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012
It could be worse
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(12-14-2012, 05:06 AM)Leanne Wrote: Lovely to read your words again, tectak. On the whole, this is a well-controlled poem with a metaphysical feel that I really enjoyed.
(12-13-2012, 09:15 PM)tectak Wrote: From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child. -- lovely rhythm and an excellent opening image
From choice and protocol we learn,
as life takes hold, we succour spurn, -- you've just got to have these inversions haven't you? I don't think you need the rhyme, so personally I'd sort out the syntax as it really stands out here.
and with ourselves become beguiled; -- whereas the inversion here works as it's not so obviously forced
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come -- soon changes come upon us all?
as childhood skips into our skins; -- love this!
living, uncontrolled and free;
this, too, will end.
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools; -- "trite thoughts" is difficult on the tongue
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become just chiselled history
we must endorse.
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light -- you make this the volte with a wonderful change of tone
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall ascend!
Yet death, ah death, we nothing know; -- syntax!
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, that plot so bold,
we are beguiled. -- excellent summation, with the return to beguilementm
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012 Thanks leanne. The mycological year is over and I am happy to be back. As always, your advice will be acted upon with mustered deference.....edit soon.
This one written on the loss of a friend really recently. Though a sudden affair we had talked about the day prior....he was happy to turn the page as he figured there were no answers on this plane. I agreed. Still do but I keep loosing the book.
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(12-13-2012, 09:15 PM)tectak Wrote: From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child. You have some beautiful lines here, golden opening
From choice and protocol we learn, protocol feels blunt when pre-ceeded by such gentle words
as life takes hold, we succour spurn,
and with ourselves become beguiled;
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come
as childhood skips into our skins; lovely line so well balanced
living, uncontrolled and free;
this, too, will end. this spoils the celebration you have penned so wellwhy not let the next verse bring us down as it does
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools;
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become just chiselled history
we must endorse. blunted tools each edge chiselled strong images well used
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall ascend!
Yet death, ah death, we nothing know;
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, that plot so bold,
we are beguiled.
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012
This is very sad and very well written with some fantastic lines that make the journey from breast to grave flow so smoothly. Thanks for the read TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Hi tecktak good to see you (12-13-2012, 09:15 PM)tectak Wrote: From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child. really strong opening
From choice and protocol we learn,
as life takes hold, we succour spurn, it reads better as spurn succour
and with ourselves become beguiled;
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come
as childhood skips into our skins;
living, uncontrolled and free;
this, too, will end. there's a feeling dread in this stanza. the loss of childhood clearly shown exposes a lot of sadness.
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools;
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become just chiselled history is 'just' needed?
we must endorse.
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall ascend!
Yet death, ah death, we nothing know; i like this inversion, though wonder if it would be better if re-inverted
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, that plot so bold,
we are beguiled.
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012
you plot your stuff with some excellent words. i found it a sad poem yet there feels to be an alleviation of sadness in the last stanza, as though a weight had been lifted. while not image rich the poem was nonetheless richer than many that are full of imagery. I'm going to take this as a personal poem and say, sorry for the loss.
all the points i mentioned are just nits but worth looking at. thanks for the read.
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(12-14-2012, 10:16 AM)billy Wrote: Hi tecktak good to see you (12-13-2012, 09:15 PM)tectak Wrote: From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child. really strong opening
From choice and protocol we learn,
as life takes hold, we succour spurn, it reads better as spurn succour
and with ourselves become beguiled;
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come
as childhood skips into our skins;
living, uncontrolled and free;
this, too, will end. there's a feeling dread in this stanza. the loss of childhood clearly shown exposes a lot of sadness.
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools;
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become just chiselled history is 'just' needed?
we must endorse.
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall ascend!
Yet death, ah death, we nothing know; i like this inversion, though wonder if it would be better if re-inverted
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, that plot so bold,
we are beguiled.
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012
you plot your stuff with some excellent words. i found it a sad poem yet there feels to be an alleviation of sadness in the last stanza, as though a weight had been lifted. while not image rich the poem was nonetheless richer than many that are full of imagery. I'm going to take this as a personal poem and say, sorry for the loss.
all the points i mentioned are just nits but worth looking at. thanks for the read.
As always, billy, perceptive at just the right level. This is not a complicated piece....written, I guesss, with some understanding of the thinking of my buddy. To the poem...I get bollocked for my inversions as though they were overused like pepper on someone else's dish....BUT....though it may be a predeliction of mine the reason for the profligacy is to keep the emphasies in order....not to read poetic. I hear you on "succour spurn" dah-dit-dah, but would not feel easay with "spurn succour" dah-dit-dit. Hmmm. I will, though, change "just" to "our" which is simply better.
You got the interpretation of the last verse bang on but the inversion argument is the same. The rhyme scheme IS obscure being originally (dropped latterly) A, B,C,B,C,A....a kind of life-cycle. I am changing ascend to "transcend" as soon as the religiosity instilled by the funeral has left me!
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(12-14-2012, 09:49 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: (12-13-2012, 09:15 PM)tectak Wrote: From birth we take the mother’s milk,
sucked due and granted for our lives;
The breast which grows the body dries,
as grows the child. You have some beautiful lines here, golden opening
From choice and protocol we learn, protocol feels blunt when pre-ceeded by such gentle words
as life takes hold, we succour spurn,
and with ourselves become beguiled;
without remorse.
Soon changes on us all will come
as childhood skips into our skins; lovely line so well balanced
living, uncontrolled and free;
this, too, will end. this spoils the celebration you have penned so wellwhy not let the next verse bring us down as it does
Trite thoughts become but blunted tools;
as each edge dulls, the truths we made
become just chiselled history
we must endorse. blunted tools each edge chiselled strong images well used
Comes then Damascus! Blazing light
illuminates our groping way!
We are the new, we are the seers,
We shall ascend!
Yet death, ah death, we nothing know;
so gratefully we turn that page.
We see the words, that plot so bold,
we are beguiled.
Tectak
2012
For Roger. 1944-2012
This is very sad and very well written with some fantastic lines that make the journey from breast to grave flow so smoothly. Thanks for the read TOMH
Thanks for this. You made a good point with "protocol" and I am now struggling with it as the word is a very precise one to substitute. Setting "choice" against "protocol" was deliberately referring to the concept of free-will versus determinism.....determinism in the sense that memes provide acceptable behaviour. I am now talking myself out of changing it!!!!!!! If you have an option...let me have it! Credited if accepted.
Best,
tectak
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