Instructions

[Philatone]

V. 2(thanks to billy, cider, todd)

instructions

Per your request, we bagged the blouses,
everything else collected on the landing
in the shadow of a banister learned by hand--
bookshelves folded into broken wings,
plates in plastic mingled with Lladrós,

Spanish for porcelain dancers
spoiled behind panes of glass.
Until we take it upon ourselves
to adopt their waltzes on our table top,
the perpetual billows of their skirts,

their stage waits in cardboard
sealed off with tape and labels,
'This side up' and 'Fragile'
the only instructions for packing
someone else's boxes once she's left.


V. 1

Per your instructions, we switched titles to the car,
blouses stripped from closet hangers for Goodwill,

fridge and freezer emptied
with every other condo shelf.

Where are the instructions for packing someone
else's boxes once she has left?

Plates in plastic wrapping mingle with lladrós,
Spanish for porcelain dancers paid to watch

from behind thin panes of glass, now without a job.
Unless we take it upon ourselves

to adopt their waltzes on our table top,
the perpetual billows of skirts,

their stage will be cardboard
felt through the darkness of a closed lid

sealed off with tape and labels.
'This side up' and 'Fragile'.

[cidermaid]

Hi Philatone,
I liked how you have worked this. (Having done it for my mother-in-law).
I thought the title was clean and strong and gave me a firm steer into the poem.
However this was then weakened by the 2 repetitions of the title word within the first three stanzas and I feel that perhaps an alternative could be found in both places.

The poem seamed vague, weak and did not connect for the first three stanzas and then it coalesced and worked with increasing momentum towards the last stanza which was a great last comment to close the subject. I was not sure if this was a deliberate part of your intent / design, to emphasise the progression in thoughts and commitment. (I started off in a stunned state - unsure what or how to go about the task and then as the realisation of the amount of work hit me, I became very perfunctory about it)...hence perhaps the poem is working through this idea or perhaps my comments actually have some relevance. I'm unsure which but I mention them for your consideration.
I really liked the focus upon the dancing figurines as a metaphor for the life that was, was spot on and elegant and the final closure was sad and poignant.
Thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

Geoff, I'm sorry I don't have time for critique right now but I wanted to let you know that I'd read and appreciated it, and fully intend to return -- if I forget, yell at me

[billy]

Per your instructions, we switched titles to the car,
blouses stripped from closet hangers for Goodwill,

fridge and freezer emptied
with every other condo shelf. I'd have used along to start the line

Where are the instructions for packing someone good line, it has a feeling of wtf. helplessness.
else's boxes once she has left? 'she has' feels to formal, would she's act better to bring the reader in

Plates in plastic wrapping mingle with lladrós, i'd suggest bubble wrap for the image and Lladro, you could say Lladro figurines
Spanish for porcelain dancers paid to watch too much info.

from behind thin panes of glass, now without a job.
Unless we take it upon ourselves feels weak

to adopt their waltzes on our table top,
the perpetual billows of skirts, i like this stanza but not the above transition which feels as i said, weak.

their stage will be cardboard would 'now' work better than 'will be'
felt through the darkness of a closed lid ,

sealed off with tape and labels. would 'sealed with tape and labled' work better?
'This side up' and 'Fragile'.

i got a feeling of tying up loose ends, for me it was a toss up between a death of a parent (maybe) or a divorce. i think you could add to the poem by pushing in a certain direction. as usual the style is yours there's def a good poem in there.

great to see you putting it out there again

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Geoff, first impression S3 should probably be your ending.

[Philatone]

leanne, cider, billy, todd
-appreciate the time. all of your comments were noted and I hope I was able to put them into a tighter form.

[Todd]

Oh Geoff, I just reread my brief comment. Just to clarify, I mean moving S3 to the end not deleting everything after S3. That may have been clear, but just in case.

[heslopian]

This comment relates to version two. I like the way the poem juxtaposes images of moving and closure with hints at warm memories. It's sad in a subtle way, and reminds me of Home Is So Sad by Philip Larkin. My only quibble is with the last line, which I feel is too literal for such an atmospheric poem. It implies the end of a romantic relationship, which is fine if that's what the poem is about, but I think you have the chance to tap into something more universal. JMHO of course. Thanks for the read.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
Liking the edit.
In particular thought the two new lines in S1 were great. Below why I think they work so well.

Per your request, we bagged the blouses,
everything else collected on the landing
in the shadow of a banister learned by hand-- Passing life is but a shadow and we leave only a slight mark behind
bookshelves folded into broken wings, Again another well penned metaphor for a life that was.
plates in plastic mingled with Lladrós,

[Todd]

Geoff, the edit is really nice. It's much more pulled together. I only had one bump.

You may want to cut this line:

Spanish for porcelain dancers

It feels like too much of an expositional aside. It's not something the speaker would need to translate for themselves.

Beyond that, I felt it was solid work.

[Keith]

The edit softens everything and thus brings more emotion; it reminds me of the melancholy I felt clearing my parents’ house wanting to cry over memories in every empty room. I love the Spanish dancers adoption, little pieces like that seem nothing at first but somehow become a home for memories and smiles, kind of a porcelain USB stick, great images throughout. I think you can tell, this is one of my favourites. Thanks

[billy]

V. 2(thanks to billy, cider, todd)

instructions

Per your request, we bagged the blouses,
everything else collected on the landing
in the shadow of a banister learned by hand--
bookshelves folded into broken wings, i like this line.works on a few levels. i like the image most of all.
plates in plastic mingled with Lladrós,

Spanish for porcelain dancers is 'spanish for' needed?
spoiled behind panes of glass.
Until we take it upon ourselves
to adopt their waltzes on our table top,
the perpetual billows of their skirts,

their stage waits in cardboard
sealed off with tape and labels,
'This side up' and 'Fragile'
the only instructions for packing
someone else's boxes once she's left.

i think you did a good edit. the new add-ins work well in the 1st stanza.