Alone

[xx81510xx]

Its the middle of December
The days are growing colder now
The night is wasting on and on
With nothing left to dream about
This bed feels like a coffin
In a vacant empty tomb
I close my eyes and hear her voice
Echo through the room

I pull out our old pictures
And Let the storm begin
The first streak stains
My ghostly cheek
And the pain rises within

A song plays in the background
Her essence fills the air
A knot forms in my battered throat
My eyes a glassy stare
Windows to an empty soul
Filled with only suffering
From frozen lips depart
The saddest words I'll ever sing

The darkness creeps up all around
Crawling beneath my skin
Her face forms in the shadows
Then fades into the wind

Fate has left me destined
To forever be alone
With no one there to save me
From this hell I call my own..

[billy]

hi xx, thanks for leaving feedback elsewhere

Its the middle of December It's
The days are growing colder now
The night is wasting on and on
With nothing left to dream about
This bed feels like a coffin this is a good line that imparts a solid image.
In a vacant empty tomb vacant and empty are almost the same i'd remove one or change it.
I close my eyes and hear her voice
Echo through the room

I pull out our old pictures
And Let the storm begin another solid image and a good metaphor for crying it; let not Let.
The first streak stains
My ghostly cheek
And the pain rises within feels a bit cliche.

A song plays in the background
Her essence fills the air
A knot forms in my battered throat
My eyes a glassy stare
Windows to an empty soul eyes/windows/soul is a cliche that's oft used.
Filled with only suffering this line feels weak, i'd suggest removing it
From frozen lips depart
The saddest words I'll ever sing

The darkness creeps up all around
Crawling beneath my skin condense these two lines
Her face forms in the shadows
Then fades into the wind i'd end the poem here.

Fate has left me destined this last stanza brings the poem down to much, it feels very weak and lacks anything of substance.
To forever be alone
With no one there to save me
From this hell I call my own..

the poem has some good lines going on the coffin line is my fave. you have some excess in the poem that if trimmed would tighten it up. there's also a few cliche that could be replaced with something original or removed altogether. mainly you just need to do a bit of cosmetic stuff to make the poem stand...alone great to see your first poem

thanks for the read.

[xx81510xx]

Thanks for the comments and ideas. I will sure put them to use in a rewrite! Being this is my first time taking my writings any further than a notebook, the response is greatly appreciated!

[billy]

i'm sure others will leave feedback as they get on line. i would suggest not rushing an edit. often, letting it sit a wekk can make a big difference as to how you see it.

[heslopian]

Its the middle of December
The days are growing colder now
The night is wasting on and on
With nothing left to dream about
This bed feels like a coffin
In a vacant empty tomb Are both adjectives needed here? They both mean the same thing.
I close my eyes and hear her voice
Echo through the room

I pull out our old pictures
And Let the storm begin "let"
The first streak stains
My ghostly cheek This couplet, from "the first" to "cheek", is marvellous.
And the pain rises within Is this line needed? The previous couplet already implies it.

A song plays in the background
Her essence fills the air
A knot forms in my battered throat
My eyes a glassy stare
Windows to an empty soul
Filled with only suffering Is this line needed?
From frozen lips depart
The saddest words I'll ever sing I think this and the previous line should switch places, as it tripped me up a bit.

The darkness creeps up all around
Crawling beneath my skin
Her face forms in the shadows
Then fades into the wind This verse is very atmospheric and haunting, but is the first line needed. I think it would be more effective if it was her face crawling beneath the skin.

Fate has left me destined
To forever be alone This probably isn't a valid criticism, but this line keeps making me think of that "forever alone" meme, which makes me want to smile, killing the mood somewhat.
With no one there to save me
From this hell I call my own..

I think you have some very good lines here, but they're kind of smothered beneath a lot of unneeded ones. I'm the king of overkill when it comes to poems, so maybe I can sense it in others JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read.