Hi aaron,

This is pretty cool. I don't fully understand what job's in mind but I like this. A few comments for you:

I know I'm probably off here but I get the sense of someone going to work

(12-10-2012, 10:16 PM)aaron Wrote:  

I'd better get used
to this dark
day murdered
before we were acquainted--Really nice line breaks in this strophe. It sets up a lot of nice layered meanings.

descending stairs
When will the rain clear?
There's no clouds--this is a clever sequence. The question about the rain yet there are no clouds is really nice. The trick with this one is trying to interpret the setting. I get the sense that the speaker has moved underground. Like a sewer system or something. If it wasn't for the fork trucks later I'd be getting an in space sci-fi vibe. I also thought about a submarine.
the sun set
minutes--just hours

after I woke
upside down, dormant--this made me think of no gravity.
waiting for the world to stop
then I'll make my move

Grey metal clanging
specifically shaped and placed
various shades of grey--I like this repetition of gray. Shaped and placed makes me think of explosives. I'm having issues with clarity though that doesn't have to be your fault.
forktrucks fly by
yellow guard rails

midnight mundane
country music radio
malicious sadness--beautiful love this
blasting three times a night

work isn't so bad after
all it's only
a dead
end

Aaron, I enjoyed the read. I'll give it some more thought. Currently I'm all over the place as to setting (factory, submarine, etc).

Best,

Todd

Nice work, this reallty puts over the feeling of factory life on nights, I really like the opening stanza and how you put over the sence of loss of the day youve slept through. Not too sure the last stanza works that well it feels a bit rushed and like you dont care when clearly you do and I did. I HATE nights Thanks for the read TOMH

thanx guys, i just got switched to third shift at catapillar and i HATE it this poem isnt finished im still searching for images to illustrate my hatred for night shift. if yall have any ideas as to how i can make it more clear i would reeeaally appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing...

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Thank you for sharing...

You started as though you were going to takes us through your emotions for each part of the working day, this journey works for me and what you have is v strong you coud drop the last stanza and replace it with one about your tea break and the one about getting back home. I have put some stuff down that I feel/hate about nights hope its helpful. Please chose to ignore this as ramblings or not, as its your Poem and its already a great one.

two oclock stop
brings eyelid sand
warm tea break
second wind blows

furry morning mouth
silent squint drive
sink in warm linen
shit when I should eat
eat when I should shit
closed eyes too soon open
Pork chop breakfast (evening meal with the kids)
body clock ballet
wound in different directions
cold side of bed
warm when she's gone
house goes quiet
summer lawn mower madness

i replied to the shorter version in mild crit. what i said there stands here.

the last stanza was a little forced but i was trying to make it visually striking and i was attempting to illustrate my feelings of being trapped in a dead end job thats going nowhere i think what im going to do is scratch the last stanza and write some more impressions from work ill take your advice and show the drive home and ill try to work in my feelings of being trapped later. i wish i could figure out how to make my reader see it through the eyes of a 3rd shift person but if this poem only ends up being relatable with other third shift people then so be it.