Version 2 of version 1

Falling like it's going to be the whitest one ever.
Too bad I'm not talking about the weather.
Christmas has only come here- never.

The red nosed reindeer even has fear in my neighborhood
None of the kids think they're any good.
Cursed to the naughty list.
They've got the gist.
The only present we get is the present.
Life's so bad, even our eyes have tint.
Looking in the mirror, not able to see our own blackness.

No light to see our souls.
They freeze us.
Too afraid we'd build fires.
Warm our own desires.

So we dream big, they call us liars.
use our obituaries as flyers
to their final production of Silent Night
where we continue falling like snow.

Version 1 of Version 1

Falling like it's going to be the whitest one ever.
Too bad I;m not talking about the weather.
Christmas has only come here- never.

The red nosed reindeer even has fear- in my neighborhood.
Making none of the kids think they're any good.
Forever cursed to the naughty list.
Figuring they've got the gist.
The only present we get is the present.
Life's so bad, even our eyes have tint.
Looking in the mirror, not even being able to see through our own blackness.

Having no light to see our souls.
They freeze us by not even giving us our coals.
Too afraid we'd build our own fires
Helping us warm our own desires.

So when we dream big, they call us liars
and use our obituaries as flyers
to their final production of Silent Night
where we continue falling like snow.

the stuff i made bold in the body of the poem feel like packing and weaken the poem. once you cut away that you're left with a decent poem that may need just a small edit. the poverty and sadness are able better to evoke an emotion in the reader because it's the main thing they read about, in general a small edit is needed to make the poem more accessible.

thanks for the read.

(12-02-2012, 09:10 AM)nothing_good16 Wrote:  Falling like it's going to be the whitest one ever.
Too bad I;m not talking about the weather. I'm
Christmas has only come here- never.

The red nosed reindeer even has fear- in my neighborhood. no need for -
Making none of the kids think they're any good.
Forever cursed to the naughty list.
Figuring they've got the gist.
The only present we get is the present. i like the stalk reality of this line.
Life's so bad, even our eyes have tint.
Looking in the mirror, not even being able to see through our own blackness.

Having no light to see our souls.
They freeze us by not even giving us our coals.
Too afraid we'd build our own fires
Helping us warm our own desires.

So when we dream big, they call us liars
and use our obituaries as flyers
to their final production of Silent Night
where we continue falling like snow.

(12-02-2012, 10:17 AM)billy Wrote:  the stuff i made bold in the body of the poem feel like packing and weaken the poem. once you cut away that you're left with a decent poem that may need just a small edit. the poverty and sadness are able better to evoke an emotion in the reader because it's the main thing they read about, in general a small edit is needed to make the poem more accessible.

thanks for the read.

(12-02-2012, 09:10 AM)nothing_good16 Wrote:  Falling like it's going to be the whitest one ever.
Too bad I;m not talking about the weather. I'm
Christmas has only come here- never.

The red nosed reindeer even has fear- in my neighborhood. no need for -
Making none of the kids think they're any good.
Forever cursed to the naughty list.
Figuring they've got the gist.
The only present we get is the present. i like the stalk reality of this line.
Life's so bad, even our eyes have tint.
Looking in the mirror, not even being able to see through our own blackness.

Having no light to see our souls.
They freeze us by not even giving us our coals.
Too afraid we'd build our own fires
Helping us warm our own desires.

So when we dream big, they call us liars
and use our obituaries as flyers
to their final production of Silent Night
where we continue falling like snow.

thanks...The changes do help the flow and better portray the meaning in a more direct way. The only thing I want to get more feedback on is where you suggested to cut out "by not giving us our coals". I see the benefits of removing it but, I put it in to keep the Christmas connections (being on the naughty list, etc) Do you think it still is better just to cut it out?

---

I also think that these lines are awkward in flow:
"The only present we get is the present.
Life's so bad, even our eyes have tint"
maybe....would it be better to take out "have"? If I change the entire line, I think it'll change my initial intended meaning of the next line. I mean, the poem can work without this line but, idk. What do you think?

i thought about not giving us our coal instead of coals and then felt the ambiguity of taking that part out helped. i know some people in ireland get free coal or used to, but i haven't heard of it else where, i was wondering if people may have wondered what the line meant. if you meant leaving coal for santa then i'd rephrase it. at the end of day all i said are just suggestions. what do you think? read it a few times, with and without that part and decide what you prefer.