Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
s2 lines 3 & 4...just ain't right, help please!
Fingers flail the lining of my
purse like a caged dove’s wings.
I’ve forgotten my keys again.
He has never forgotten his.
Pulling me close by a handful of hair,
I know he is fresh from a fling,
wisely I keep a poker face,
running short on lies myself.
From the patio, the hot tub invites us.
Dropping my frock, I slip in.
Steamy ghosts float in the mist,
flipping soggy pages of the Kama Sutra.
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
The second stanza of your poem has 2 inner conflicts.
I will just shortcut it by showing you a possible solution.
1. S2 l1 and 2: Syntax.
"Pulling me close by a handful of hair,
I know he is fresh from a fling,"
Pulling me close by a handful of hair,
he - as I know - is fresh from a fling
or:
Pulling me close by a handful of hair,
he - and I know that - is fresh from a fling.
( Was this a French poem, you could move "he" before "pulling". Terminus technicus is: Topicalisation)
2. metrics
Let me show you the syllables on which the accent falls:
Pulling me close by a handful of hair,
X x x X x x X x x X
I know he is fresh from a fling,
x X x x X x x X
wisely I keep a poker face,
X x x X x X x x
running short on lies.
X x X x X
=
l1: Xxx Xxx Xxx X
l2: xX xxX xxX
l3: Xxx Xx Xxx
l4: Xx Xx X
solution:
l3 must mirror metrically l1
and l4 must mirror l2
But first you must switch the pronouns in l2:
if you went for my first solution, the pattern would be:
he - as I know - is fresh from a fling
X x x X x X x x X
= X x x X x X x x X (the new l2)
Now you do this: go to your original l2, c/p the X-line below it and move this orignial X-line right below
our new X-line. then you get this result:
new l2: X x x X x X x x X
original l2: x X x x X x x X
Now you see that the rhythmic pattern of new l2 does not much that of original l2 (the distribution of accented (X) and unaccented (x) syllables ist not the same, but should be.
Of course these fumy lil Xs and xs have funny greek names, but I spare us that. ,-) because I urgently just another route 66. ,-)
hugs
roby
O
cheers
serge
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
@ Serge: thank you for the very helpful pointers.
@ peehs tnelis : I am so glad you enjoyed this, that makes me feel good and is encouraging.
My best
Heart
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
glad, I could help ;-)
cheers
Serge
Posts: 325
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Hi Heart,
I really enjoyed this poem, and the images are very crisp, clear and significant. It manages to say a lot in such a small space.
The image of a caged dove in stanza 1 is very powerful along with keys twice, and also I like the use of the word flail, it really sounds like the action that it is describing and when following fingers, even more so. In fact the use of the F sound throughout the poem is very effective and clever, and enables you to use the word frock, which I don't think I've heard in a long time.
Even as I read it again now I am seeing more meanings to it.
Thanks.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Thanks AR, yes, there's more than one layer in this poem. I adore alliteration and will use it whenever I can.
Serge, thank you for the link, it is most interesting, it was very enlightening. I appreciate that. I have edited this by adding just one word so I did not bother to put out a revised copy. I am afraid I didn't follow the exact criteria but hope this is an improvement.
My best,
Heart
