Resurrection (second edit)

[Volaticus]

This is my second edit, I hope it's better than the first. I would really appreciate to hear your honest opinions. I really want to improve my writing, so your feedback would be a great help. Thank you

Overgrown and overflown:
A perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin
I invite the sin-
My final, guilty endeavour.

I peek outside a dusty mind,
Through windows of unborn zest:
My facets are encrypted,
My garden is inscripted-
The present is a ghost-like guest.

Butterflies and lullabies
Are fragments of embryonic times.
A transparent appearance
Redefines the coherence-
Converting the sirens into chimes.

Inhale the stars to exhale the scars
Of past's spiraling descent.
With a light so inviting
The fireflies are guiding,
Into hives of familiar scent.

--------------------

Here's the first edit I struggled with it quite a bit, but I think I've finally managed to improve it. Any feedback/critique will be much appreciated, and will be a great help for me, when I do the next edit. Thanks a lot in advance


Overgrown and overflown,
Brainwaves are crashing together.
In fragile skin
I shut myself in.
My vessel unable to tether.

I glimpse outside from where I hide,
Through windows of spiders and dust:
Dead roses reflecting,
Ten years of neglecting
The soil; dehydrated to crust.

Butterflies and lullabies
Are hazy mementos at best.
My will subsides
To rising tides;
Filling the void in my chest.

I gaze out there, my only care:
Searching the deep, murky sea,
For uplifting currents,
To flush my deterrence,
Then finally I will be free.

---------------

Please bear with me. I'll be the first to admit that this poem, well.. it has a lot of problems. (I knew next to nothing about poetry when I wrote it, still I'm almost embarrassed.) But the poem means a lot to me, so I really wanted to save and rewrite it. It is doable and it's moving along, but it's far from done. I was hoping you could perhaps help me with some constructive criticism, to help me along. It will be very much appreciated!


Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin.

In caskets wide,
The glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright?

Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies,
And leaves nothing to utter suggest.

Flesh is your temple,
Take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent.

[milo]

oops . .

[Keith]

Please bear with me. I'll be the first to admit that this poem, well.. it has a lot of problems. (I knew next to nothing about poetry when I wrote it, still I'm almost embarrassed.) But the poem means a lot to me, so I really wanted to save and rewrite it. It is doable and it's moving along, but it's far from done. I was hoping you could perhaps help me with some constructive criticism, to help me along. It will be very much appreciated!


Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin.

In caskets wide,
The glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright?

Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies,
And leaves nothing to utter suggest.

Flesh is your temple,
Take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent.

Because this poem is very personal to you as a reader I can't get the bits your not telling me or showing me you have some great turn of phrase in here that make me want to read but I don't understand lots of it. This could just be me being thick S1 having sex and a take away? S2 has someone passed away? S3&4 sorry I don't understand, I think you have some great stuff to work with and I will try and point out some bits that don't work quite as well when I read it. Obviously this is only my opinion.

Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin. Sin and Tremor don't rhyme

In caskets wide,the glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright? if your using rhyme you should try and keep some tempo fright doesn't rhyme with attention.
Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies, why plural? shadow
And leaves nothing to utter suggest. the rhyme works but utter knocks out the tempo/meter

Flesh is your temple,take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent. Scent and Forget don't rhyme

I hope this helps in some way. TOMH
PS Mods and Volaticus sorry if I over did it in Mild

[Volaticus]

Hi TOMH,
I can't express my gratitude, for you to take the time to read and comment, and doing a line by line. It is such a great help for me, thanks
As I understood it, you think that it should have a consistent rhyme scheme. And I completely agree. It will get that.
I'm not yet very good at meter/tempo, but I'll try to do better in the edit.
As far as interpretation goes, I know that with it being such a personal poem, it is way to abstract and needs some clearer images.
And to answer your questions. S1 is actually of the sexual nature. Sexual takeaway, if you will S2 more like someone hibernating. I'll do my best to make everything clearer in the edit. And thanks for saying that I have some great things to work with. With such a dysfunctional poem, a little encouragement and help goes a long way

[Volaticus]

Phew. Done with the first edit. I posted it at the top, hope you'll enjoy

[newsclippings]

I really prefer the first version to the second.

[Volaticus]

I really prefer the first version to the second.

Thanks a lot for your comment Can I ask why?

[Magpie]

It reads a lot better now as regards rhythm, but I thought that there was a lot of good imagery in the first draft that got left out in the edit.
Like the line "The perpendicular tremor." which I thought was one of the best lines, but sadly never made it to the edit.

[Volaticus]

It reads a lot better now as regards rhythm, but I thought that there was a lot of good imagery in the first draft that got left out in the edit.
Like the line "The perpendicular tremor." which I thought was one of the best lines, but sadly never made it to the edit.

Thanks for commenting I also like the line "the perpendicular tremor", but I just thought that is was too abstract, that's why I left it out. I'm obviously having trouble finding out what images are too abstract and which are not. Could I ask you if there were other images you liked/disliked? It would be a great help to me, for the next edit

[Magpie]

It reads a lot better now as regards rhythm, but I thought that there was a lot of good imagery in the first draft that got left out in the edit.
Like the line "The perpendicular tremor." which I thought was one of the best lines, but sadly never made it to the edit.

Thanks for commenting I also like the line "the perpendicular tremor", but I just thought that is was too abstract, that's why I left it out. I'm obviously having trouble finding out what images are too abstract and which are not. Could I ask you if there were other images you liked/disliked? It would be a great help to me, for the next edit

"In hives of familiar scent." I also thought was a good line that never made it through.
Also in the first draft, perhaps I was wrong but, the mention of "original" sin and then the mention of "The garden inscripted", I thought were biblical references. The Garden of Eden?
And considering the poems obvious reference to sex "The Garden of Eden" seemed like an appropriate image to allude to. But in the edit there is a shift away from this towards images of the sea.

[Volaticus]

It reads a lot better now as regards rhythm, but I thought that there was a lot of good imagery in the first draft that got left out in the edit.
Like the line "The perpendicular tremor." which I thought was one of the best lines, but sadly never made it to the edit.

Thanks for commenting I also like the line "the perpendicular tremor", but I just thought that is was too abstract, that's why I left it out. I'm obviously having trouble finding out what images are too abstract and which are not. Could I ask you if there were other images you liked/disliked? It would be a great help to me, for the next edit

"In hives of familiar scent." I also thought was a good line that never made it through.
Also in the first draft, perhaps I was wrong but, the mention of "original" sin and then the mention of "The garden inscripted", I thought were biblical references. The Garden of Eden?
And considering the poems obvious reference to sex "The Garden of Eden" seemed like an appropriate image to allude to. But in the edit there is a shift away from this towards images of the sea.

Thanks for your insight. I had not thought about that "the garden inscripted" could be a biblical reference, but now that you mention it, it does give out that vibe. It was only the first stanza that I deliberately put a reference to sex in though. In your opinion, do you think I should make another edit of the original, and then scrap the first edit I made? I think that's what I'm leaning towards, considering the comments I've got.

---

The words are kind of chunky, which makes it difficult to even say, let alone understand, maybe try watering
down, diluting it. Write the lines out in simple sentences with lots of "those" "and" "then" "the". Just make it all easy to say out loud, then take out the ones you don't need, but keep the ones that connect the thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback, trueenigma I didn't realize it was that chunky, so thanks for pointing it out. I will definitely try your suggestion, in the next edit. Could I ask for your opinion, perhaps? Do you think I should make the second edit based on the original, or based on the first edit?

[Magpie]

Thanks for commenting I also like the line "the perpendicular tremor", but I just thought that is was too abstract, that's why I left it out. I'm obviously having trouble finding out what images are too abstract and which are not. Could I ask you if there were other images you liked/disliked? It would be a great help to me, for the next edit

"In hives of familiar scent." I also thought was a good line that never made it through.
Also in the first draft, perhaps I was wrong but, the mention of "original" sin and then the mention of "The garden inscripted", I thought were biblical references. The Garden of Eden?
And considering the poems obvious reference to sex "The Garden of Eden" seemed like an appropriate image to allude to. But in the edit there is a shift away from this towards images of the sea.

Thanks for your insight. I had not thought about that "the garden inscripted" could be a biblical reference, but now that you mention it, it does give out that vibe. It was only the first stanza that I deliberately put a reference to sex in though. In your opinion, do you think I should make another edit of the original, and then scrap the first edit I made? I think that's what I'm leaning towards, considering the comments I've got.

---

The words are kind of chunky, which makes it difficult to even say, let alone understand, maybe try watering
down, diluting it. Write the lines out in simple sentences with lots of "those" "and" "then" "the". Just make it all easy to say out loud, then take out the ones you don't need, but keep the ones that connect the thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback, trueenigma I didn't realize it was that chunky, so thanks for pointing it out. I will definitely try your suggestion, in the next edit. Could I ask for your opinion, perhaps? Do you think I should make the second edit based on the original, or based on the first edit?

Yes I would definitely use the original as basis for a new edit. I understand why your first edit came out the way it did, because of a need to correct the metre, but try not to sacrifice to many of those good images and lines that were the shining beacons in the original.
Look forward to reading your new version.

[Volaticus]

"In hives of familiar scent." I also thought was a good line that never made it through.
Also in the first draft, perhaps I was wrong but, the mention of "original" sin and then the mention of "The garden inscripted", I thought were biblical references. The Garden of Eden?
And considering the poems obvious reference to sex "The Garden of Eden" seemed like an appropriate image to allude to. But in the edit there is a shift away from this towards images of the sea.

Thanks for your insight. I had not thought about that "the garden inscripted" could be a biblical reference, but now that you mention it, it does give out that vibe. It was only the first stanza that I deliberately put a reference to sex in though. In your opinion, do you think I should make another edit of the original, and then scrap the first edit I made? I think that's what I'm leaning towards, considering the comments I've got.

---

The words are kind of chunky, which makes it difficult to even say, let alone understand, maybe try watering
down, diluting it. Write the lines out in simple sentences with lots of "those" "and" "then" "the". Just make it all easy to say out loud, then take out the ones you don't need, but keep the ones that connect the thoughts.

Thanks for the feedback, trueenigma I didn't realize it was that chunky, so thanks for pointing it out. I will definitely try your suggestion, in the next edit. Could I ask for your opinion, perhaps? Do you think I should make the second edit based on the original, or based on the first edit?

Yes I would definitely use the original as basis for a new edit. I understand why your first edit came out the way it did, because of a need to correct the metre, but try not to sacrifice to many of those good images and lines that were the shining beacons in the original.
Look forward to reading your new version.

Yeah, I guess stayed too much off the path, when I wrote the edit. Thanks so much for your insightful help, and I will try to make good use of that, in my next edit

[Volaticus]

I'm finally done with my new edit of this

[Pilgrim]

This is my second edit, I hope it's better than the first. I would really appreciate to hear your honest opinions. I really want to improve my writing, so your feedback would be a great help. Thank you

Overgrown and overflown:
A perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin
I invite the sin-
My final, guilty endeavour.

I peek outside a dusty mind,
Through windows of unborn zest:
My facets are encrypted,
My garden is inscripted-
The present is a ghost-like guest.

Butterflies and lullabies
Are fragments of embryonic times.
A transparent appearance
Redefines the coherence-
Converting the sirens into chimes.

Inhale the stars to exhale the scars
Of past's spiraling descent.
With a light so inviting
The fireflies are guiding,
Into hives of familiar scent.

--------------------

Here's the first edit I struggled with it quite a bit, but I think I've finally managed to improve it. Any feedback/critique will be much appreciated, and will be a great help for me, when I do the next edit. Thanks a lot in advance


Overgrown and overflown,
Brainwaves are crashing together.
In fragile skin
I shut myself in.
My vessel unable to tether.

I glimpse outside from where I hide,
Through windows of spiders and dust:
Dead roses reflecting,
Ten years of neglecting
The soil; dehydrated to crust.

Butterflies and lullabies
Are hazy mementos at best.
My will subsides
To rising tides;
Filling the void in my chest.

I gaze out there, my only care:
Searching the deep, murky sea,
For uplifting currents,
To flush my deterrence,
Then finally I will be free.

---------------

Please bear with me. I'll be the first to admit that this poem, well.. it has a lot of problems. (I knew next to nothing about poetry when I wrote it, still I'm almost embarrassed.) But the poem means a lot to me, so I really wanted to save and rewrite it. It is doable and it's moving along, but it's far from done. I was hoping you could perhaps help me with some constructive criticism, to help me along. It will be very much appreciated!


Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin.

In caskets wide,
The glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright?

Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies,
And leaves nothing to utter suggest.

Flesh is your temple,
Take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent.

Hello, Volaticus.

I have wandered through the previous incarnations of this poem and have come to the conclusion that what you have left your readers is a puzzle inside a conundrum inside an enigma. In simpler terms, you have constructed a message in code, but have left no means of decoding your message.

Your title sets up the reader to anticipate a subject (in this case, apparently, the narrator) who has in some fashion been restored to life. Alas, from that point the message descends into obfuscation and obscurity. What, the reader may well ask, is going on here?

Ironically, the individual words comprising your message (with the possible exception of your verb ‘inscripted’ – although even in this case you might possibly claim poetic licence) may be found in the dictionary. But when strung together in statements and/or sentences their collective meaning evaporates. Which, of course, is the point of a message in code.

However, the purpose of language, surely, is communication. When your reader asks in frustration and dismay: What does it all mean? then just as surely communication has failed.

Could I, without being facetious, ask that in your next edit you include some code-breaking key so that we might come to enjoy the benefits of what is clearly an imagination in full flight.

With regards and best wishes,

Pilgrim.

[Volaticus]

Hello Pilgrim,
Thanks a lot for your honest comments.
Honestly, I thought I made things clearer in the edit. But from reading your comments, I can see I have a lot to improve.
I would love to rewrite it, so that the message gets across, I'm just not sure how right now. I really have to watch my abstractions.
Thanks for your help, you've given me a lot to think about

[Magpie]

Hi Volaticus,
I've been looking forward to read this since you said that you were going to rewrite it. I read it yesterday probably not too long after you posted it but I wanted to read it a few more times before commenting.
My first impression yesterday was that it was very complicated and with the benefit of being able to read the first two versions I think there is a freshness in the original version that is not in your new version.
You've got some excellent images in there and I see you brought back the good images from the original. Also I noticed that you must of spent a lot of time making sure that the rhyme and meter were correct.
How do you feel about it compared to the other versions?
Also like you I thought 'inscripted' was a word, but Pilgrim is right, (he's a clever chap), it should be a word though, it sounds right.
Hope that some of this has been of some use, I'm no expert by any means so I can merely say what I feel.
Thanks.

[Volaticus]

Hi Volaticus,
I've been looking forward to read this since you said that you were going to rewrite it. I read it yesterday probably not too long after you posted it but I wanted to read it a few more times before commenting.
My first impression yesterday was that it was very complicated and with the benefit of being able to read the first two versions I think there is a freshness in the original version that is not in your new version.
You've got some excellent images in there and I see you brought back the good images from the original. Also I noticed that you must of spent a lot of time making sure that the rhyme and meter were correct.
How do you feel about it compared to the other versions?
Also like you I thought 'inscripted' was a word, but Pilgrim is right, (he's a clever chap), it should be a word though, it sounds right.
Hope that some of this has been of some use, I'm no expert by any means so I can merely say what I feel.
Thanks.

Hi ambrosial revelation,
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, thank you very much.
And I think that you're right, that it's very complicated. I think it's like Pilgrim said - a message in code. It's only because I wrote the poem, that it makes full sense to me, but of course it also has to make sense to the readers. I would very much like to make a good rewrite, but I have one problem - I can't seem to pinpoint what's unclear. I try to read it with objective eyes, but still I can't find which parts that needs to be rewritten. It was the same deal with the first rewrite. Rather frustrating. Does that make sense?
I'm glad to hear that the meter and rhyme were right.
I think I prefer the original - it's more.. original, in my humble opinion. Though not very readable.
You're right, 'inscripted' sounds like something that should be a word. Too bad it isn't
You've been of great help again. Thanks a bunch

[Volaticus]

This is my second edit, I hope it's better than the first. I would really appreciate to hear your honest opinions. I really want to improve my writing, so your feedback would be a great help. Thank you

Overgrown and overflown:
A perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin
I invite the sin-
My final, guilty endeavour.

I peek outside a dusty mind,
Through windows of unborn zest:
My facets are encrypted,
My garden is inscripted-
The present is a ghost-like guest.

Butterflies and lullabies
Are fragments of embryonic times.
A transparent appearance
Redefines the coherence-
Converting the sirens into chimes.

Inhale the stars to exhale the scars
Of past's spiraling descent.
With a light so inviting
The fireflies are guiding,
Into hives of familiar scent.

--------------------

Here's the first edit I struggled with it quite a bit, but I think I've finally managed to improve it. Any feedback/critique will be much appreciated, and will be a great help for me, when I do the next edit. Thanks a lot in advance


Overgrown and overflown,
Brainwaves are crashing together.
In fragile skin
I shut myself in.
My vessel unable to tether.

I glimpse outside from where I hide,
Through windows of spiders and dust:
Dead roses reflecting,
Ten years of neglecting
The soil; dehydrated to crust.

Butterflies and lullabies
Are hazy mementos at best.
My will subsides
To rising tides;
Filling the void in my chest.

I gaze out there, my only care:
Searching the deep, murky sea,
For uplifting currents,
To flush my deterrence,
Then finally I will be free.

---------------

Please bear with me. I'll be the first to admit that this poem, well.. it has a lot of problems. (I knew next to nothing about poetry when I wrote it, still I'm almost embarrassed.) But the poem means a lot to me, so I really wanted to save and rewrite it. It is doable and it's moving along, but it's far from done. I was hoping you could perhaps help me with some constructive criticism, to help me along. It will be very much appreciated!


Overgrown and overflown,
The perpendicular tremor.
In fragile skin,
We order in,
It's such an "original" sin.

In caskets wide,
The glasses hide,
With windows of unborn attention.
Facets' encrypted,
The garden inscripted.
Tell me, what is your fright?

Butterflies and lullabies,
Is a fragment of simple invest.
In changing hides,
The shadows spies,
And leaves nothing to utter suggest.

Flesh is your temple,
Take it and tremble,
Thus no-one can ever forget,
Sickening matter,
All full of chatter,
In hives of familiar scent.

I will say that it is much easier to read now. A big improvement. You are getting better.

---

Well, you were always good, what I mean is, your poems are getting better.

Thanks a lot, true I really do try my best, so I'm very happy that you think my poems are getting better