Encounter

[Pilgrim]

Encounter


She shuffles, ancient, down the street,
with eyes downcast at sluggard feet;
her wisp-haired head submissive bent,
her skirt unwashed, her jacket rent.

She pauses at the kerbside edge
to delegate the privilege
of guiding her through traffic's storm.
She peers at me and snares my arm.

We brave the highway's deluge roar
and stumble to the farther shore.
She frees herself with mute disdain,
then sets off down the street again.

Her insolent retreating back
now wends a deft, insouciant track,
as I am left alone to brood
on her roughshod ingratitude.

And sense that I have failed, perhaps,
to keep my ego under wraps.

_________________

[Magpie]

Hi Pilgrim,
Another good poem that you've produced here, I can see that you have been true to your word when you said you would be concentrating more on metre and rhyme.
I like the opening line, and I see your extended vocabulary coming into use again. The first being the word "rent" by which I presume you meant in the sense of ripped. It forced for the sake of the rhyme, and also it's not a word used very often, unless it's a colloquial thing.
In the second stanza the rhymes don't work for me although I may be wrong about "edge and privilege" but I can't seem to say without my accent which is fairly strong.
I am not the best person to be commenting on rhythm and metre because I don't really write that way. But having said that, after reading this poem a couple of times the rhythm entered my head and stayed with me then for some reason the Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a cloud" popped into my head and into this rhythm, the rhyme is different though, so I'm not sure of the terminology of such rhythm but yours appears to stick to it all the way through.
It doesn't feel as free flowing as your last two poems, but I know that your intention was to work on rhythm and rhyme more so it is to be expected that a couple of the lines seem a bit forced. But all in all a good read.
And I look forward to number 4.
Cheers

[Alanz]

First off I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. Your use of vocabulary really allows the reader to delve into the world of the poem and creates this image that the reader is watching this from afar.
You've managed to keep the poem flowing smoothly however I do feel it gets a bit rough in the second stanza as it seems to drift away from this flowing sensation.

I will most definitely be keeping an eye out for more of your writing.

[Pilgrim]

First off I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. Your use of vocabulary really allows the reader to delve into the world of the poem and creates this image that the reader is watching this from afar.
You've managed to keep the poem flowing smoothly however I do feel it gets a bit rough in the second stanza as it seems to drift away from this flowing sensation.

I will most definitely be keeping an eye out for more of your writing.

Hello, Alanz.

Thank you for your comments.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

---

Hi Pilgrim,
Another good poem that you've produced here, I can see that you have been true to your word when you said you would be concentrating more on metre and rhyme.
I like the opening line, and I see your extended vocabulary coming into use again. The first being the word "rent" by which I presume you meant in the sense of ripped. It forced for the sake of the rhyme, and also it's not a word used very often, unless it's a colloquial thing.
In the second stanza the rhymes don't work for me although I may be wrong about "edge and privilege" but I can't seem to say without my accent which is fairly strong.
I am not the best person to be commenting on rhythm and metre because I don't really write that way. But having said that, after reading this poem a couple of times the rhythm entered my head and stayed with me then for some reason the Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a cloud" popped into my head and into this rhythm, the rhyme is different though, so I'm not sure of the terminology of such rhythm but yours appears to stick to it all the way through.
It doesn't feel as free flowing as your last two poems, but I know that your intention was to work on rhythm and rhyme more so it is to be expected that a couple of the lines seem a bit forced. But all in all a good read.
And I look forward to number 4.
Cheers

Hello, ambrosial revelation. Thank you for your comments.

You presumed correctly about 'rent'.

'Edge' and 'privilege' are within the parameters of acceptable rhyme - of which there is a variety of possible alternatives.

I'll revert to the style of my first poems for my next one.

Thank you again.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

[Volaticus]

The words, phrasing and images made this pleasure to read. The only critic I can think of is that I don't think that 'storm' and 'arm' rhymes. But maybe that's a matter of dialect, I'm not sure. Thanks for the read, I look forward to reading your next poems.

[Pilgrim]

The words, phrasing and images made this pleasure to read. The only critic I can think of is that I don't think that 'storm' and 'arm' rhymes. But maybe that's a matter of dialect, I'm not sure. Thanks for the read, I look forward to reading your next poems.

Hello, Volaticus. Thank you for your comments, and please forgive the delay in my acknowledgement.

Shakespeare, in one of his Sonnets (No. CXVI) paired ‘love’ with ‘remove’.

John Donne, in his poem ‘Song” paired ‘root’ with ‘foot’.

In these cases the final consonantal sounds are the same and the rhymes are known as ‘consonantal rhymes’. They are accepted practice, even though the rhymes are not perfect rhymes.

So I’m happy to stand by my consonantal rhyming of ‘arm’ with ’storm’.

Thank you very much for pointing out this apparent anomaly.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

[milo]

The words, phrasing and images made this pleasure to read. The only critic I can think of is that I don't think that 'storm' and 'arm' rhymes. But maybe that's a matter of dialect, I'm not sure. Thanks for the read, I look forward to reading your next poems.

Hello, Volaticus. Thank you for your comments, and please forgive the delay in my acknowledgement.

Shakespeare, in one of his Sonnets (No. CXVI) paired ‘love’ with ‘remove’.

John Donne, in his poem ‘Song” paired ‘root’ with ‘foot’.

In these cases the final consonantal sounds are the same and the rhymes are known as ‘consonantal rhymes’. They are accepted practice, even though the rhymes are not perfect rhymes.

So I’m happy to stand by my consonantal rhyming of ‘arm’ with ’storm’.

Thank you very much for pointing out this apparent anomaly.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

actually, today, they are known as 'sight' rhymes. InShakespeare's time they were 'perfect' rhymes. The best you can hope for now is a time machine so you can go back and have them rhyme again . . .

[Volaticus]

The words, phrasing and images made this pleasure to read. The only critic I can think of is that I don't think that 'storm' and 'arm' rhymes. But maybe that's a matter of dialect, I'm not sure. Thanks for the read, I look forward to reading your next poems.

Hello, Volaticus. Thank you for your comments, and please forgive the delay in my acknowledgement.

Shakespeare, in one of his Sonnets (No. CXVI) paired ‘love’ with ‘remove’.

John Donne, in his poem ‘Song” paired ‘root’ with ‘foot’.

In these cases the final consonantal sounds are the same and the rhymes are known as ‘consonantal rhymes’. They are accepted practice, even though the rhymes are not perfect rhymes.

So I’m happy to stand by my consonantal rhyming of ‘arm’ with ’storm’.

Thank you very much for pointing out this apparent anomaly.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

And thank you for clearing that up for me, I did not know that. I learn something new all the time

[WordsWorth]

Howdy Pilgrim.
I'm new here and this is my first review, so take it for what it's worth.

Firstly, I was able to read a stanza and picture the scene very clearly in my head. Nice job. I love being able to "see" a poem.

Secondly, I agree with some of the other posters regarding the rhyming, but what is poetic license if we can't USE it from time to time?

Lastly, and this is merely a personal preference, when a poet requires the reader to change the basic pronunciation of a word (i.e., accenting an incorrect syllable) to meet the objective of rhyme or metre, maybe the poet should consider another choice. For example in your poem, the word 'privilege' in s2.

OK...one more. There was a bit of a disconnect for me with the word 'ego.' I sense disappointment regarding the ingratitude, which you have already expressed.

OK. Done. A pleasure reading your work. Hope you'll give mine a going over.