Escaping the Shadow of Hate

[heslopian]

I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp;
you tremble with a narcissism I want to punch.

Me too, I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred,
I'm gay, like you. But there's something about you
that's sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance,
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers
like a demented bitch.

I had to get some air; standing alone on the porch of the pub,
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark,
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,
without you.

Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this.

[billy]

i'll leave some feedback later jack

[cidermaid]

Hi, I cannot find the right word to express what i feel here. "Like" or "enjoyed" would be wrong. I found that it spoke to me at a deep level and I had a sort of resonance of sadness for those I have known in this position or similar. I think you managed to express a voice on a difficult subject, for the many who are conflicted and wrestle within because of life and overall I think it was nicely done.
I don't have that much crit but here's my thoughts so far.


I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp; Like all of the above but I want to put a full stop after scalp and Have the last line of this stanza a sentance or even a stand alone line.
you tremble with a narcissism I just want to punch. For me it is the "I want to punch" that draws this stanza together and forms the jump into the next. I love this line. It is a great connection back to the first line and gives the whole poem energy and ...well punch!

"Me too" I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred, I did not think (after the word punch) that the use of "tear" was a strong enough word to carry the next line. However I really like the emotion of a ripping gulf of internal emotion so not sure i have any suggestion at the mo.
"I'm gay, like you". But there's something about you
that's so sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance, Really like the use of touchy-ness
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers
like some demented bitch. I get it, but not sure about the use of demented bitch - would perfer an image with less obvious direct connect here.

I had to get some air. Standing alone on the porch of the pub,
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark, Vacuous dark is fab here...I just love to use vacuous, what a great multi tasking word. I get dismissive contempt and draining, sucking (nice link to above for me) void
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,
without you. Predictable, but in a good way. A nice twist on the subject - ties up the purpose and heart of the poem voice - well done

Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this. Good end lines, esp with the repition of the lick / licking referance.
[/quote]

A good read and a nice job on a good subject.
All the best AJ.

[heslopian]

i'll leave some feedback later jack

Cheers, Bilbo

---

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback, cidermaid You say that you don't have a suggestion for an alternate word for "tear" in L1 of S2, but how about "gulf", which you mention in your note? I like the word vacuous too. I don't get to use it often enough.

[Brownlie]

I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp;
you tremble with a narcissism I just want to punch.

"Me too" I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred,
"I'm gay, like you". But there's something about you
that's so sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance,
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers
like some demented bitch.

I had to get some air. Standing alone on the porch of the pub,
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark,
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,
without you.

Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this.

Ennui? Did you just read The Awakening? How can you have an Ennui of scalp though? The anger is palpable here but feels unrefined. Explitive words like "bitch" evoke a seething rant which may be what you want. If you're a poet you better get used to gay people. Is this about you being gay and your father transmitting his hate onto you. So he has given you a sense of self hatred. I should be more tenuous in my reading I'm sorry if I haphazardly read your piece. Good luck.

[cidermaid]

@Brownlie
Ennui? Weariness, Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest, boredom or will power to do anything about it: So could also be taken as tedium or displeasure. Thus, I read this as a picture / image of the tedious predictability of aggressively blond hair as a symbol of female attractiveness contrasted with perhaps the ridiculous predictability of a male scalp of hair perhaps thinning and unable / un-willing to support the image. At this stage of the poem I read the voice as registering disgust and disapproval for the behaviour.
(As to your comment about getting used to gay people, that is not really relevant to reading or critting the poem. It happens to be the voice of the poem and as such this is just the discernable persona, what the actual poet is or is not, in my opinion, should not affect how a poem is interpreted).

@ Heslopian Sorry about the above comments I appreciate you didn't ask me to but in. (They are of course JMHO ) Also re the crit on my dead before death. Many thanks (I did not post my thanks on the thread because i did not want it bumped back into the list as I'm not in a place to work on this at the mo. But i really appreciated your comments and will deff be adding in some dashes and taking on board some of your other advise when I do - thank you for your time and thoughts.

AJ.

[billy]

there's an intolerance in the poem that emanates from the 1st person's sexuality and the fathers ability to create guilt. i think you capture the inner turmoil well. mainly i just had a few nits. after a few reads the poem smooths out, i enjoyed the introverted look the poem delivers into the sexual emotion within the poem. what really stands out is the love hate between father and 1st person self. i say 1st person because i have no idea if it's about you.

I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut, i'd have put an extra comma after aggressive as well.
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp; not sure i understand this line, do you mean the person has or gives little thought?
you tremble with a narcissism I just want to punch. effing excellent.

"Me too" I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred,
"I'm gay, like you". But there's something about you i don't think you need the quotes, here or above, italics might do a better job and come across as thoughts
that's so sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance, is 'so' needed?
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers solid image of sexuality
like some demented bitch.

I had to get some air. Standing alone on the porch of the pub, should it be a semi colon after air?
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark,
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm, good two lines to end the stanza. i like the enjambment
without you.

Gay men still scare me, I think, the couplet feels trite, though that said it also feels the gay thing to write. not sure it works though.
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this.

[heslopian]

Is The Awakening a vampire/zombie novel? "Ennui" in that context was my attempt to be arty and clever; clearly it failed The original word was "wasteland", but I thought that using "ennui" as a concrete noun would convey a wasteland while also adding a powerful emotional element.
When you say that the anger is unrefined, is that because of the expletives or the style/arrangement of the poem? The poem is about someone whose homophobic upbringing has created a tension with his innate gayness. Thank you for taking the time to give me honest and thoughtful feedback, Brownlie

---

Thank you for acknowledging my feedback, cidermaid, and I'll never chastise someone for giving me more comments on my poem

---

The last couplet was, admittedly, kind of an afterthought, and also a bit self-justifying. My explanation for that use of "ennui" is in my response to Brownlie. Thank you for your kind and helpful feedback, Bilbo, I'll apply a few of your suggestions in a moment

[milo]

ennui isn't a concrete noun

[heslopian]

I know, that's why I said I was using it as a concrete noun, contrary to what it actually is

[milo]

yah, I didnt get it, I hope someone did.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

I haven't really read any of the comments so forgive me if I touch on something you already address.

I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,--it could just be a preference on my part but I'm not much a fan of a listing of adjectives (i.e., dumb, outdated, shameless, sexually aggressive). The poem might just be better with homophobia alone in line one without the qualifiers and ending on you in line two.
flame of blond hair--great description. Given the context flame is a subtle choice that works on two levels
through an ennui of scalp;--the phrasing feels off here. If you used ennui in a different way and had some action illustrate it, it might come through better. It feels on the verge of working, but not quite.
you tremble with a narcissism I just want to punch.--I love the first part of this line especially. I don't think you need just

Me too, I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred,
I'm gay, like you. But there's something about you
that's sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance,
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers--the sucking fingers thing makes this whole section work for me.
like some demented bitch.

I had to get some air; standing alone on the porch of the pub,--would staying with present tense be better here
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark,--again glow may provide more immediacy
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,--again tense, and like the break
without you.

Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this.--I like the final lines, though I'd consider ending on heart. Moving beyond the scene stole some of the power from the observation for me.

Hope some of that helps. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you, Todd and trueenigma, for your kind, honest and insightful feedback I'll use your suggestion pertaining to the last line of S1, Todd.

[heslopian]

I'll use that too. Cheers, trueenigma

[heslopian]

I'm not a fan of "right" interpretations. Who's to say that my interpretation's right, just because I wrote it? But to me, yes, it is partly about self-loathing.