Bang.

[jacklikesyou]

Writing this, as well as joining this forum has been a late night impulse, and I have enjoyed it very much so far. I'm hoping I can turn this into a little outlet for myself. This is the first poem I have ever written.

Bang.

With the blinding light forward,
Leaving with sweet chords behind,
And mist whispering, the sigh,
And questions, always, more why,
And nothing left for the eye.
And the growing of the scent,
And the perfect figure set;
And the aroma deals the blow,
Once more lest my heart slow.

Tell me! Tell me! I must go on!
Through it when the sweat it swiftly drowns,
And pounds upon the lucid frown,
And pulls and pulls on what lie rest,
And spares no mercy for quiet left,
And stokes the fire with wood still wet,
And pays no mind to danger yet,
With more, much more to throw,
Once more lest my heart slow.

It ends with a bang, they say,
But not a sound.

[Magpie]

Hi Jack,
Welcome to the site.
For this being the first poem that you have ever written, it's a very commendable effort. The opening is good and describes the scene well, thus setting the tone for the rest of the poem.
There are a few issues with rhyme and metre, but considering that this is your first poem I wouldn't be overly worried about it at the moment, and your in the right place here where people will point out to you where you have gone wrong. I don't know if you did this, but I would suggest reading the poem out loud and then you can getting a better idea of where rhyme and rhythm need fixing, because when you say it in your head it is never quite the same as when spoken out loud.
One more thing and that is choose your words carefully and make sure that it makes sense, sometimes the temptation with rhyme can be to force the rhyme at the cost of the poem, like in the second stanza the lines "Through it when the sweat it swiftly drowns,
And pounds upon the lucid frown, " don't really make sense.
But as I said before, for a first poem it is good.
Hope this is of some help, and I look forward to reading more.
Cheers.

[YaMarVa]

Great first poem, I am there too.

The obvious critique would be too much use of the word 'and', but after re-reading the poem I like its use.

Keep 'em coming.

[serge gurkski]

Writing this, as well as joining this forum has been a late night impulse, and I have enjoyed it very much so far. I'm hoping I can turn this into a little outlet for myself. This is the first poem I have ever written.

Bang. <<<< very catchy title, but the full stop is there why again? ;-) i would go for an exclanation mark instead. That's just me.

With the blinding light forward,
Leaving with sweet chords behind, <<<< I would go for: I leave instead of "leaving"
And mist whispering, the sigh, <<< hm? the sigh? why not: mist whispering sighs or somethig like that?
And questions, always, more why, <<< I might loose the comma after always,but you must ask Tom (tectak) to investigate the comma causa here. ;-)
And nothing left for the eye.
And the growing of the scent,
And the perfect figure set;
And the aroma deals the blow,
Once more lest my heart slow. <<< that is fine style (lest) but maybe a bit overdoing it.

Tell me! Tell me! I must go on!<< Through it when the sweat it swiftly drowns, <<< no: it please, that is the colloquial.
And pounds upon the lucid frown,
And pulls and pulls on what lie rest,
And spares no mercy for quiet left,
And stokes the fire with wood still wet,
And pays no mind to danger yet,
With more, much more to throw,
Once more lest my heart slow.

It ends with a bang, they say,
But not a sound.

First of all: welcome to the forum! I hope you will like it here. It is a fine place for us poets.

Your poem: I would all Ands.

Enjoyed reading you
cheers
Serge

[Brownlie]

Writing this, as well as joining this forum has been a late night impulse, and I have enjoyed it very much so far. I'm hoping I can turn this into a little outlet for myself. This is the first poem I have ever written.

Bang.

With the blinding light forward,
Leaving with sweet chords behind,
And mist whispering, the sigh,
And questions, always, more why,
And nothing left for the eye.
And the growing of the scent,
And the perfect figure set;
And the aroma deals the blow,
Once more lest my heart slow.

Tell me! Tell me! I must go on!
Through it when the sweat it swiftly drowns,
And pounds upon the lucid frown,
And pulls and pulls on what lie rest,
And spares no mercy for quiet left,
And stokes the fire with wood still wet,
And pays no mind to danger yet,
With more, much more to throw,
Once more lest my heart slow.

It ends with a bang, they say,
But not a sound.

And is a weak word to use as anaphora, though you may be able to defend its usage. I would add specific images in this poem. What is the sentiment behind the poem? Are you referring to your corporeal heart or a metaphorical heart?