The Moon

[Fathima]

Just a working title.

The dark illuminated
When I looked out my bedroom window
She visited me late that night
While I counted sheep
We shared a good book
And a cup of sweet tea
She told me old stories
Of all she could see
About righteous hearts
Carrying light
And how they guided her
To shine just as bright

Honest opinions please. Thank you.

[NakedBear]

Just a working title.

The dark illuminated
When I looked out my bedroom window
She visited me late that night
While I counted sheep
We shared a good book
And a cup of sweet tea
She told me old stories
Of all she could see
About righteous hearts
Carrying light
And how they guided her
To shine just as bright

Honest opinions please. Thank you.

Greetings,

I don't know anything about the narrator, nor about his visitor. Maybe share one of her stories, and tell us how it is the narrator knows her.

Things like "darkness illuminated" don't provide enough for me to know what is meant. What darkness? what was doing the illuminating? What was seen when darkness was dispelled?

How is it that she shines?

And so on. You have used twelve short lines on a theme which could use thirty, fifty, a hundred (as long as they're interesting lines - don't write long for its own sake).

Rhyme, alliteration, assonance, meter. These are the most basic qualities of poetic sound, and you'd do well to employ them more.

I do not want to discourage you from writing, at all. I encourage you
to continue, but also to read a lot more and to make intentional practice of rhyme, rhythm, assonance, consonance, and alliteration.

Maybe stop in on the Poetry Practice forum and try some of the exercises on offer there.

Take care.

[billy]

Hi fathima

the first think i notice is that the dark illuminated doesn'ty really lead anywhere but you can sort that out with a colon and a line space

The dark illuminated:

When I looked out my bedroom window

i'd have a look at making the 3rd line the 2nd and the 2nd the 3rd.

have you thought about adding a couple of images. at present you're telling us a story. show us the story. the poem is pretty enough but it could be a lot better,

Just a working title.

The dark illuminated
When I looked out my bedroom window
She visited me late that night
While I counted sheep
We shared a good book
And a cup of sweet tea
She told me old stories
Of all she could see
About righteous hearts
Carrying light
And how they guided her
To shine just as bright

Honest opinions please. Thank you.

[KICKBACK]

Just a working title.

The dark illuminated
When I looked out my bedroom window
She visited me late that night
While I counted sheep
We shared a good book
And a cup of sweet tea
She told me old stories
Of all she could see
About righteous hearts
Carrying light
And how they guided her
To shine just as bright

Honest opinions please. Thank you.

I think this is a nice piece about the moon.

Right away the moon shows off like the sun, line 1/2.
I love that the moonlight visits you as a welcome guest. or more so, you invite yourself over, and she acts as if you're a guest that she asked to come over.
Clearly, even in times of dark, the moon can see the just, and even guide the holy. and even yet, everyone smiles when she does when they see her.
it's like it brings back good memories.

[Brownlie]

Just a working title.

The dark illuminated
When I looked out my bedroom window
She visited me late that night
While I counted sheep
We shared a good book
And a cup of sweet tea
She told me old stories
Of all she could see
About righteous hearts
Carrying light
And how they guided her
To shine just as bright

Honest opinions please. Thank you.

I would research the moon and see what you can learn about it. There are a number of abstractions that could be made more concrete. Think of how many meanings a "righteous heart" has.

[Volaticus]

I like the way you use the moon as the narrator's guest, if I'm not interpreting wrong. But the mentioning of her telling stories, makes me curious to hear more of those stories. But this is also fine little poem as it is now. I noticed you said 'The Moon' was a working title, so I just couldn't resist suggesting the title 'Luna'. But now I just got sidetracked Anyways, thanks for sharing.