A Lonely Road

[Zerric]

A lonely road in front of me,
A lonely road behind,
These scars of love are my identity,
But still she's on my mind,

A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what is always said,
This lonely road will be my home,
But still she's in my head,

A lonely sky spreads out above,
The rain: it's way to cry,
I cannot stand what they call love,
Why won't this feeling die?

I know sometimes that love won't fail,
What's happened is in the past,
But to me, love is just a fairy tale,
And forevers never last.

[Keith]

High Zerric
This bounces along simply and you have a reasonably well balanced meter but it could do with looking at in some places ie 3rd line S1 is a bit clunky, If you were to show us what lonely is instead of telling us then your poem could be improved. I enjoyed the limerick feel you gave this. Hope this help TOMH

[Zerric]

Thanks for reviewing TOMH, but i'm not really sure what you mean by showing what lonely is. I wanted it to feel like I'm projecting my loneliness(?is that right? ) into a virtual road. Like comparing life to a road, then looking forward, looking back, looking up, and only sensing and seeing loneliness.

[billy]

hi zerric. tomh is saying give the reader something he can see in his mind instead of just telling him it's lonely describe the loneliness of the road.
my road;
lonelier than a snowflake in the desert
try not repeat words unless you're using them in a refrain (of course there are exceptions) the opening line tells us all about the lonely. let the rest of the poem show us why.

don't make unsubstantiated claims.

A lonely road is travelled alone, a lonely road has no one on it a lonely person travels alone
Is what is always said, who said it?

welcome to the site.
it does get easier the more you write

A lonely road in front of me,
A lonely road behind,
These scars of love are my identity,
But still she's on my mind,

A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what is always said,
This lonely road will be my home,
But still she's in my head,

A lonely sky spreads out above,
The rain: it's way to cry,
I cannot stand what they call love,
Why won't this feeling die?

I know sometimes that love won't fail,
What's happened is in the past,
But to me, love is just a fairy tale,
And forevers never last.

[Brownlie]

A lonely road in front of me,
A lonely road behind,
These scars of love are my identity,
But still she's on my mind,

A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what is always said,
This lonely road will be my home,
But still she's in my head,

A lonely sky spreads out above,
The rain: it's way to cry,
I cannot stand what they call love,
Why won't this feeling die?

I know sometimes that love won't fail,
What's happened is in the past,
But to me, love is just a fairy tale,
And forevers never last.

Describe your heart break in imagery. How would you use tactile sensations to convey what your going through.

[KICKBACK]

A lonely road in front of me,
A lonely road behind,
These scars of love are my identity,
But still she's on my mind,

A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what is always said,
This lonely road will be my home,
But still she's in my head,

A lonely sky spreads out above,
The rain: it's way to cry,
I cannot stand what they call love,
Why won't this feeling die?

I know sometimes that love won't fail,
What's happened is in the past,
But to me, love is just a fairy tale,
And forevers never last.

To me this poem is about a man afraid, or weakened by a girl he loved. he's afraid to embrace the love he had, instead he resents it. the man wants to be alone. he thinks there's only one way, hopefully he loves it.

the last stanza makes it seem as if there's a glimmer of hope for the guy. that he will soon be able to see the exit sign and take the offramp. putting himself back out there, where the people are.

I liked the poem, it does seem simple to me. Not much to go on as far as imagery. It's like I got the gist of the poem (heartbreak, lonesome), and that's okay. I think the last two lines of the poem are the real subject of the matter, though. And there was no real good lead to those last two lines.

Keep writing

[Zerric]

To me this poem is about a man afraid, or weakened by a girl he loved. he's afraid to embrace the love he had, instead he resents it. the man wants to be alone. he thinks there's only one way, hopefully he loves it.

the last stanza makes it seem as if there's a glimmer of hope for the guy. that he will soon be able to see the exit sign and take the offramp. putting himself back out there, where the people are.

wow...its like you peered into my soul. This is exactly how i was feeling when i wrote it. :O except this chick made me remember all the others b4 her...hence the 'forevers' part in the last line.

[knicodemus3]

Hey Zerric,

I really like this poem. The repetition of the word lonely was risky but I think effective (repetition builds belief right?, you really pounded in my head how lonely you are). I like the use of the road and the sky and ahead and behind, it shows how completely surrounded by loneliness you are.

My advice (take lightly): Line 6 is a little weird when reading, the 'IS what IS' throws it off a little to me. Maybe a rephrase? like
A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what I'm always told
This lonely road will be my home,
A home colder than stone..
Just making it up but I think there may be a smoother orientation you can use (Sorry I am not very technical). I think this could be the same for line 10 as well. Lastly, in the second stanza you sound apathetically sad towards love and also in the fourth stanza, but in the third you sound slightly feisty or angry at the situation. If I am interpreting that correctly, I feel like you have a good opportunity to make a stronger argument or show more anger (maybe another stanza about issues you have with people's advice or something).

Let me know if this helps! Again, I really like this poem. Love can suck!