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His sapphire eyes of blue so rich
Deny the icy cold depth.
Poisoned honey on softest lips
Bring my walls to near collapse.
And he dismantles me, brick by brick.
He lays the trap, a touch of silk,
And waits for my undoing.
Soak him up like sweet cake in milk.
In darkness, Evil's wooing.
And he unravels me, thread by thread.
His eyes haunt me with a fervor.
My weakness is his power.
I lose my grip to his hunger,
As he locks me in this hour.
And he devours me, piece by piece.
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First I would like to thank you for reading what I posted. Next, I am immediately reminded of the petrarchan sonnet "Design" by Robert Frost, check it out if you have not already.Yours is a very lustful poem but I would ask you to think beyond your lust. Are there any downsides to this relationship? I'm glad you stuck with your image and maintained the metaphor. Many poets would advocate Carpe Diem or sieze the day. Why preserve your honor when life is so fleeting that sort of thing.... Keep writing and remember to read. Good Luck.
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(05-04-2013, 03:31 PM)Brownlie Wrote: First I would like to thank you for reading what I posted. Next, I am immediately reminded of the petrarchan sonnet "Design" by Robert Frost, check it out if you have not already.Yours is a very lustful poem but I would ask you to think beyond your lust. Are there any downsides to this relationship? I'm glad you stuck with your image and maintained the metaphor. Many poets would advocate Carpe Diem or sieze the day. Why preserve your honor when life is so fleeting that sort of thing.... Keep writing and remember to read. Good Luck.
With this poem, I was trying to portray a truly destructive relationship and how we are drawn in. Through my lust, he lays my trap. But the carpe diem is one I had not fully considered. I will think about how that could be incorporated. Oh, and I just read "Design". Lovely! I had not read that one, though I do like Robert Frost. Thank you for your reply!
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I noticed that the 2nd stanza had a clear rhyme scheme, but the others strayed away from that a little. Was that intentional? I think the ABABC rhyming in S2 works well with the theme and metaphor. Thanks for the read.
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(05-05-2013, 08:29 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I noticed that the 2nd stanza had a clear rhyme scheme, but the others strayed away from that a little. Was that intentional? I think the ABABC rhyming in S2 works well with the theme and metaphor. Thanks for the read.
Thank you for reading my post! I was aiming for the ABABC scheme throughout, but was settling for an almost rhyme in the first and last stanza to keep my metaphor without being too trite in my rhyme scheme. I am not sure it is exactly on point yet... so I will consider your input! Thanks again!
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(05-05-2013, 08:33 AM)pepes.kitty Wrote: (05-05-2013, 08:29 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I noticed that the 2nd stanza had a clear rhyme scheme, but the others strayed away from that a little. Was that intentional? I think the ABABC rhyming in S2 works well with the theme and metaphor. Thanks for the read.
Thank you for reading my post! I was aiming for the ABABC scheme throughout, but was settling for an almost rhyme in the first and last stanza to keep my metaphor without being too trite in my rhyme scheme. I am not sure it is exactly on point yet... so I will consider your input! Thanks again!
I can see why you didn't want to give up some of the metaphor for rhyming. But imo the poem would have a better flow if the rhyming was consistent. It would read better that way, I think. You could also use that to perhaps strengthen some of the weaker lines. But I'm no expert on poetry, I can only say what I personally think
