Let's be United

[ffaizel]

I often am by sadness overtaken.
When I about this world ponder and reckon.

Wherever I see , there're bloodsheds and fights.
People being deprived of their basic rights.

The sky once blue is with blood now red
People's mind with hatred and poison fed.

The hearts are now harder than stone
Is there none who feels and care?
For the opressed are despaired and alone
Is there none who'll their pain share.

I wish for a day when I would see
The world , all peaceful and fight free

A day when barracks will be covered with dust
All swords and weapons eaten up by Rust.

Let's make peace and let's not fight
Let's not be divided and let's unite!

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needed feedback for the above poem! It is the first one I ever made!

[Leanne]

It's very difficult to read this poem because of the constant inversions of syntax (yoda-speak) that you are using to force the rhymes. (eg. "I often am by sadness overtaken", "The sky once blue is with blood now red") This makes your couplets seem trite and a bit silly. I am sure, from the content of the poem, that this is far from your intent.

Though it's clear that your sentiments are heartfelt, this poem doesn't give us anything that makes your ideas unique. Even the oldest subjects can be looked at from a new perspective or given a bit of a twist using some interesting, specific imagery instead of all these generalisations.

It's not beyond hope though With a bit of work, you can take what you have written and turn it into something that is uniquely you. There are some exercises in the Poetry Practice forum that will help you to do this. You might find it better to write in free verse (poetry without set rhymes/ structure) but if you do, be aware that free verse relies even more heavily on interesting images and other poetic techniques.

[Volaticus]

Hi,
It looks like you need some corrections with the grammar. Some of the sentences were hard to read, or sounded strange.
"I often am by sadness overtaken." "The sky once blue is with blood now red" etc.

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Oh, too late. I see that Leanne has already pointed that out

[Leanne]

PS. Are you British? I find it really hard not to try connecting this to the Manchester football teams

[karinane]

I agree with the others that many of the lines at the beginning are difficult to read (ie: "When I about this world ponder and reckon," "Wherever I see , there're bloodsheds and fights," "The sky once blue is with blood now red"). The last three stanzas are more directly stated and easier to read, and therefore flow better. I would focus more on what you are saying and less on the rhyming structure. I enjoyed it though. A very good start!

[abu nuwas]

PS. Are you British? I find it really hard not to try connecting this to the Manchester football teams

Not The Boyz...the mere thought...

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PS. Are you British? I find it really hard not to try connecting this to the Manchester football teams

Not The Boyz...the mere thought...