My journey

[Lycanthe]

Hello there, Im new to writing poetry and this is my first serious attempt to writting a poem so i'd love some feed back.

My Journey

the ups and the downs
the beginnings and the endings
the difference in a town
is where there is mending
unhappiness became my life
destruction my vice
with an inner strife
that made me like ice
Then you strolled in
putting me in a stupor
then finally poked by a pin
made me realize im a trooper.
From destructive to constructive
the hatred disappears suddenly
my love for you, so conductive
my life changes abruptly
You brought me happiness
made me have an epiphany
finally a gift from venus
you changed me so skillfully
You are a goddess
beautiful isn't the word for you
whoever made you is a true artist
as elegant as when the wind blew
I have nothing but hope
to see you and I
go above this slippery slope
and desire to touch the sky
Hope isn't enough
it also requires luck
or it will be rough
to get out of this muck
I call this my life
i've traveled this path
as you see it is not rife
and i have felt some wrath

[rowens]

You could cut out some of the rhymes that don't serve much purpose. But then again, if this is for a girl, she might like it. Lots of girls are happy to get with poems like this, I've seen it many times before. It's better than them smiling awkwardly after they read it, because they don't know what anything means.

But still, rhyme patterns like:

I call this my life
i've traveled this path
as you see it is not rife
and i have felt some wrath

are too simplistic, and break the spell that rhymes hold for a poem.

[Lycanthe]

alright, thanks alot. i've written poems for school and stuff before and this is the first one i've really tried to get to have some kind of rhyme scheme and stuff. I'll have to pay closer attention to the way i rhyme things. Thanks alot

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I enjoyed reading this - there are only a few little things I would personally change.

- The title isn't very eye-catching and is very vague. Then again, that could be your intention, I can't judge that.
- Try splitting up your poem into stanzas to make it flow a little better and make it a little easier to read.

[Lycanthe]

I enjoyed reading this - there are only a few little things I would personally change.

- The title isn't very eye-catching and is very vague. Then again, that could be your intention, I can't judge that.
- Try splitting up your poem into stanzas to make it flow a little better and make it a little easier to read.

I kind of wanted to keep it vague, and i originally had it broken up into multiple stanzas but i guess you could say outside influence made me decide to split it up. Thanks for the input!

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I liked reading this :-) I think it has a nice flow for the most part, but I would probably break it into several stanzas for better flow and less confusion. And maybe a little trimming of some words here and there, for cohesiveness. It's not my intention to sound critical, 'cause I really enjoyed reading your poem :-)
- Volaticus

[Lycanthe]

Here is a slightly revised version of the poem. I added the breaks between stanzas and then i also changed the ending slightly.
I realize it didn't have the affect i was looking for and portray what i wanted it too.

the ups and the downs
the beginnings and the endings
the difference in a town
is where there is mending

unhappiness became my life
destruction my vice
with an inner strife
that made me like ice

Then you strolled in
putting me in a stupor
then finally poked by a pin
made me realize im a trooper.

From destructive to constructive
the hatred disappears suddenly
my love for you, so conductive
my life changes abruptly

You brought me happiness
made me have an epiphany
finally a gift from venus
you changed me so skillfully

You are a goddess
beautiful isn't the word for you
whoever made you is a true artist
as elegant as when the wind blew

I have nothing but hope
to see you and I
go above this slippery slope
and desire to touch the sky

Hope isn't enough
it also requires luck
or it will be rough
to get out of this muck

I call this my life
i've traveled this path
as you see it is not much
but it's what i have

[UnicornRainbowCake]

It is definitely easier to get through with the stanzas now, a good improvement

[Volaticus]

Nice work A definite improvement, and an ending that works well

[pratheeksha]

the journey from first to this improvement has been shown,don't be over conscious of rhyme.rather a good write