Falling Empire

[jlee0625]

Falling Empire


I knew of a woman
I knew her like a falling empire
But not like Rome or New York;
Only as Pompeii and a Japanese kingdom;
Stuck in the debris of time
or better yet, still reaching hopelessly for a cure.

So I asked her tonight
to become my mosque of pain;
for I could only witness her
like an aching adieu from
every moring I have had to spend
In memory of
Us.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I don't think that the final two lines of enjambment have the effect you desired. Combining 'In memory of' and 'Us' to me makes your piece flow better.

Not that I can speak about grammar, but I don't think your semi-colons are grammatically correct. You don't have two independent clauses on each side of the semi-colon which makes it incorrect.

But what I do love in this poem is your very vivid imagery and passion - that's made this poem good. Well done