A glance

[maddock]

Hi guys! Just a teen's poem about a girl, nothing special. Cheers!

Glance

not a single moment passes by
that I don't ponder those precious eyes;

those gems that shone as bright as day
thus made all gloom just fade away;

sweet and mellow then all did seem
as if I had a wondrous dream,

as they lit up my smittened face,
in a jiff they filled my soul with grace;

that feel is just a privilege of few
that was caused by that color blue,

the color of the endless skies
that dwells in that angel's eyes;

god gave me a perfect chance
to be in that angel's glance

but every angel craves to fly
so that love was made to die;

yet, one thing will still prevail
that left a rather steady trail

the grace those eyes have made me feel
that made my life become surreal

will never leave my soul's retreat
until my heart desists to beat.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I really like that it's so clear what it's about right from the first two lines. I feel that some of the lines, for example: 'the grace those eyes have made me feel
that made my life become surreal'

Those lines seem to quite naturally rhyme and sound lovely, but the 'privilege of few...color blue' reads to me a bit like the second line is there because it rhymes with the first. Switching the second lines rhyme to something within the lexical field of the first line might blend better.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading a refreshingly clear poem.

[Snags]

This is my first feedback/critique, so hopefully I'll get the balance right!

I like the overall feeling/sentiment that's shot through the piece. The use of rhyming couplets works well to create a light atmosphere but leaves room for it to be thoughtful and/or undercut as necessary. Fragments brought to mind echo-associations with bits of Donne .

I think it would definitely repay some editing. The metre goes a bit wobbly (which is where it's easier commenting on someone else's work - I'm crap at keeping a regular metre, so tend to avoid it!) . Also, I felt some of the word choices are straining a little; shooting for self-consciously 'poetic', rather than natural. A couple of examples:

- "smittened" - why not just "smitten"?
- "heart desists to beat" - desists works for rhythm, but feels a little odd semantically. Perhaps "refrains" (still a bit odd), or even a re-work of the line from until to while - "while my heart [still deigns | remains] to beat" ?

I can't put my finger on it, maybe it's the latent goth in me, but I really like:

god gave me a perfect chance
to be in that angel's glance

but every angel craves to fly
so that love was made to die;

Eek, I've gone on a bit.

tl;dr I like the direction of travel; partial cut stone that would repay polishing to a shine, for me - for what it's worth.

[neena2504]

The emotion is beautiful, the piece is written nicely except a few places like: (I agree with Amy here)
that feel is just a privilege of few
that was caused by that color blue,
Last 4 lines are really good.
Cheers

[jlee0625]

"but every angel craves to fly
so that love was made to die;"


This part of your poem is perhaps the climax of all conveyed emotions. It captures a particular scene without revealing too much or telling too little; it's right in-between total exposure and evasion.

Overall, your poem has done a good job reflecting what your intention. But it'd be even greater if you could compress your image. Rhyming was good too, by the way.