Hydroponics Are My Future

[catdog]

Must beauty's warm embrace
Take always their worthy place,
Those lads nearest the breast?
Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,
Felt not in body but spirit.
And thus resent that rose,
Forced to forfeit the sun
For the sake of the garden.[/font]

[Crepuscule]

Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,

If you're trying to say "Destined to cost you those dearest," but want to use the archaic form of "you", the correct version is "thee": "Destined to cost thee those dearest,"

Not sure you should though. If it's something you use in everyday speech, fine, but if you're using it to try to sound "poetic", I would advise against it.

[milo]

Must beauty's warm embrace
Take always their worthy place,
Those lads nearest the breast?
Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,
Felt not in body but spirit.
And thus resent that rose,
Forced to forfeit the sun
For the sake of the garden.[/font]

"beauty's warm embrace" is everything that can go wrong i a modern poem and it is your opening line. It is cliche, abstract and is trying too hard to sound poetic.

In the second line you have a glaring grammar error. In addition, it is wordy and inefficient.
L3 - grammar error.

It never really gets better. TBH, you might want to move this to novice.

I am sorry I can't think of much positive to say about this. Please do not take my comments hard they reflect on the poem, not on you as a person.

milo

[billy]

hi catdog
serious crit can be harsh if a poem isn't prepared.
i'm moving it to novice, not because it's written in the archaic but because it isn't up to the sort of standard required for serious critique.

Must beauty's warm embrace
Take always their worthy place,
Those lads nearest the breast?
Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,
Felt not in body but spirit.
And thus resent that rose,
Forced to forfeit the sun
For the sake of the garden.[/font]

---

the archaic character of the poem feels awkward and needs some attention in getting it to flow properly. a big problem is the syntax, lines 2,3,4 and 5 need a rewrite at present they don't mesh with each other, either in olde english or modern. also be on the look out for well won phrases (cliche) you start with one and that's often a poem killer in and of itself.

don't be despondent with the feedback, work on the poem with an edit and you see how good a poem you can write

Must beauty's warm embrace
Take always their worthy place,
Those lads nearest the breast?
Destined is love to cost
Thy those dearest,
Felt not in body but spirit.
And thus resent that rose,
Forced to forfeit the sun
For the sake of the garden.[/font]

[Crepuscule]

An easy way to remember the "thees and thous" is that they're always singular and they mostly rhyme with their first person equivalents:

I, thou
Me, thee
My, thy
Mine, thine

But... there's all sorts of quirks of archaic English that will give the game away, so unless there's a good reason to use it and you've studied its proper use (Shakespeare, Milton), use modern English.

Of course, it is still used in certain Northern English dialects, particularly Lancashire and Yorkshire. But I don't think that is the case here.

[catdog]

If you don't think it's good enough for 'serious' critique then just don't critique it, ay?

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I'm new here so I can't say much, but this forum is still for critique, just less extensive than mild.

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=5281

That thread tells you where you're best posting - Miscellaneous has no emphasis on critique

Other than that, I think the last two lines sound lovely and would work well in a poem based around them.

[billy]

If you don't think it's good enough for 'serious' critique then just don't critique it, ay?

nay
you may as well put bcleqhjbcebfberfjb in there for critique if thats how you think it works

---

part serious crit rules
Only post here if:
- you have proof read your poem and it is free of basic errors --
- you have already posted at least one considered, suitably detailed comment on someone else's poem in this or another critique forum
- you are ready to receive honest, detailed criticism of your poem
- you are prepared to accept advice and suggestions to edit your poem