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Latest version
Sun shines through the window shades
Rime in the morning light pervades
Summer scene for your mind to wonder
Wherever the green, fall will plunder
Winter's clutches take life from earth
In spring, blossoms show life's worth
Original version
Sun shines through the window shades
Rime in the morning light pervades
Summer scenery for your mind to wonder
Wherever the green, fall will plunder
Winter's clutches take life from earth
In spring, blossoms show life's worth
alannaeileen
Unregistered
I love the innocence connoted by the nature imagery in this poem! It is like a little tour of the seasons... I particularly enjoyed the line 'Rime in the morning light pervades' because it perfectly evokes the scene it's describing. Lovely!
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I really love the tone of this poem. It's soothing and joyful. Quick suggestion - the third line doesn't quite scan, and possibly "summer scenes" would help with that, instead of "summer scenery"?
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2012
(04-04-2013, 12:08 PM)alannaeileen Wrote: I love the innocence connoted by the nature imagery in this poem! It is like a little tour of the seasons... I particularly enjoyed the line 'Rime in the morning light pervades' because it perfectly evokes the scene it's describing. Lovely!
Thanks for the feedback. I was beginning to lose hope in my poetic skills.
I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
(04-05-2013, 03:09 AM)DoReMi Wrote: I really love the tone of this poem. It's soothing and joyful. Quick suggestion - the third line doesn't quite scan, and possibly "summer scenes" would help with that, instead of "summer scenery"?
You right, that does sound better. I will make the change
I appreciate your feedback.
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I love the image that you've created in 6 lines. I wouldn't exactly call this critique, but it might be worth swopping some lines around, effectively changing the rhyming scheme.
Sun shines through the window shades
Summer scene for your mind to wonder
Rime in the morning light pervades
Wherever the green, fall will plunder
Winter's clutches take life from earth
In spring, blossoms show life's worth
I wouldn't lose hope in your poetic skills at all
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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I like this poem. The feeling I get from it is essentially summed up by "I get knocked down, but I get up again", but on a grander scale.
Don't worry about what other people think about your poems, or about your "poetic skills". Everyone sees things through different eyes.
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just a little thought... in L3 would "wander" be better than "wonder"?
thanks for sharing.
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The howling beast is back.
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Nice, but I couldn't help thinking that many of the words could be replaced with better, more artistic words that mean the same thing.
example:
Beams press through the porous shades
Rime diffused, the light pervades
Till warmth can set the mind to wonder
On the victim green that fall will plunder
Then cold might reclaim all the earth
awaiting spring and blossom birth
But hey, just one opinion. Writing is re-writing, no?
