The Difference - Edit 1

[dukealien]

The Difference

I. Solitude

A bachelor
stands outside his house
alone, discovering
cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

II. Loneliness

That bachelor discovering
no house-keys in his pocket.

Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

Loneliness is that same bachelor
realizing that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

[Richard]

Hey dukealien,
I like the idea behind this poem, of how solitude and loneliness are often associated together, but are not entirely the same thing. I do have some thoughts:

The Difference


Solitude's a bachelor -I find it interesting that you choose to make Solitude and Loneliness both male (bachelor). Was there a reason for this?
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with -I like how Solitude is transfixed by nature because it's so true that we often miss things like sunny leaves when we are not alone.
no one to say such gentle joys -To me, "gentle joys" sounds a little bit old-fashion. I would suggest rewording it, but I'm sure others would disagree.
are unmanly. -I really like your use of enjambment in this first stanza. All the right words are being emphasized.

Loneliness is that same bachelor
realizing that he's got -I feel like the word "got" could be replaced with a more interesting verb (i.e. lost).
no house-key in his pocket. -I like the image of Loneliness here. I just wondering if you could expand on it more since I would be curious to see what you would come up with.

I like the idea behind this poem a lot. I think you got a nice first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[ellajam]

I wonder if you could make the poem work without stating Solitude/Loneliness. I feel like they flatten the poem and keep me from fully feeling each of them.

The Difference


Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced While entranced is the right word, I'd rather share the feeling than be told.
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys Love the sound of gentle joys and all the phrase encompasses (Sorry, Richard ).
are unmanly.

Loneliness is that same bachelor
realizing that he's got This whole line could be condensed to "with", if the act of realization is important I'd rather you make me feel that moment.
no house-key in his pocket.

The whole subject is interesting, worth working with. Thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi Duke, it's  a cool idea. What if you played with the structure a bit (pardon me taking liberties with it).

The Difference

I. Solitude

A bachelor
standing outside his house--maybe stands. Consider moving alone up a line for theme.
alone, entranced--Not a fan of entranced. I would just present the moment and limit the overt interpretation. Some other verb to get us to the breezes.
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with--don't like the break on with and think you could probably cut it without replacement.
no one to say such gentle joys--I like the sonics of gentle joys and the point you make.
are unmanly.

II. Loneliness

That same bachelor
realizing that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[dukealien]

Edit1;

The Difference

I. Solitude

A bachelor
stands outside his house
alone, discovering
cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

II. Loneliness

That bachelor discovering
no house-keys in his pocket.

---

Incorporating suggestions from all critics, great ideas, thanks.

@Richard - No explanations   - don't tempt me!

[Richard]

Hey Duke,
This version is definitely an improvement over your first draft. I do have some thoughts though:

The Difference

I. Solitude

A bachelor
stands outside his house
alone, discovering -I am going to go against the grain here to say I liked "entranced". I think you need a different word than "discovering"... may be "transfixed"?
cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong
no one to say such gentle joys -I'll relent and say the phrasing "gentle joys" works. It does sum up the imagery well.
are unmanly. -I still like the enjambment and structure of this stanza. Even with the changes, it has a nice flow.

II. Loneliness

That bachelor discovering -Was "discovering" repeated on purpose?
no house-keys in his pocket. -I have an idea for the structure here. Why not combine these two lines into one. Since this is about loneliness, then the structure would match by being a single lonely line. Just a thought.

Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

Loneliness is that same bachelor
realizing that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

I like what I'm seeing here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this poem next.

Cheers,
Richard

[RiverNotch]

The Difference

I. Solitude

A bachelor
stands outside his house
alone, discovering 
cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong comma at the end?
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

i lol at the fact that as i consider this, i'm listening to grieg's peer gynt suites. the gentle joys here feel, for me, a little too gentle -- at the very least remove the too-overt "alone". or perhaps make them even gentler: instead of removing "alone", remove the rather cliched images in the two lines succeeding it, further enhancing the harsh, unjustified nature of that last term, "unmanly".

II. Loneliness

That bachelor discovering
no house-keys in his pocket.

i don't quite like the structure of this sentence. "discovering / no house-keys in his pocket" doesn't sound quite as definitive as it needs to be -- i don't have house-keys in my pocket, too, and for all we know his might just be under the welcome-rug. also, i don't quite like the structure of the entire poem, mostly in terms of the numbers. there doesn't seem to be much of a categorical or chronological distinction between the two sections: in fact, the whole works best as a unified joke, each title well integrated into the rest of the text (instead of the rather awkward narration of the earlier draft, I think a simple colon should suffice), and the fragmentation developed by the numbering excised.

[dukealien]

(back from crossing a day behind Harvey... who was, as cinemavens would expect, invisible)

@RiverNotch - Wondering if the pre-Edit 1 version is like what you have in mind?

@Richard and others - the other direction to go would be @ellajam's of removing the heavy-handed definitions/headings.  Seems a bit Victorian (the era, not the state) -

Bachelor, standing...
...unmanly:  ah, solitude!
But then, to find
no expected latch-key in his pocket -
O, loneliness!

[just mercedes]

The Difference

I. Solitude

A bachelor
stands outside his house
alone, discovering
cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

II. Loneliness

That bachelor discovering
no house-keys in his pocket.

Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

Loneliness is that same bachelor
realizing that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

I get that you're making a distinction between the two states. What I don't get; why a bachelor? 

'stands outside his house / alone' - prose

'discovering' - not sure how you 'discover' something that's not there. Also, to have no keys in your pocket doesn't
point to loneliness. Not for me, anyway.

I like the idea of your poem but I think you need to develop it further.

[nibbed]

Hi Dukealien. I didn't want to comment for a bit, but it seems like the poem has been spoiled through revision to me.
I have noticed that happens at times. A good, solid, clever poem gets critiqued to death until it nowhere resembles its
original beauty. What a shame. I like the original.

nibbed

[Wastrel]

I'm looking at both versions with title of The Difference. The original works better for me because it seems to flow better but only the solitude part. The ending fell flat somehow. A suggestion would be to change the title to loneliness. Then start talking about solitude, end with no house-key and let the difference speak for itself.

Something like...

Loneliness

Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

Then that same bachelor
realizes that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

[dukealien]

I'm looking at both versions with title of The Difference. The original works better for me because it seems to flow better but only the solitude part. The ending fell flat somehow. A suggestion would be to change the title to loneliness. Then start talking about solitude, end with no house-key and let the difference speak for itself.

Something like...

Loneliness

Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

Then that same bachelor
realizes that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

Not to criticize any of the excellent critics, but for some reason the usual swimmingly smooth process seems to have hit a rock here.  Everyone gets the idea, and it's the one I'm trying to express... but recommendations on optimizing the expression pull in contrary directions.  (The above is a good critique and a good example.)

Further edit will require time and thought... which is to say, doing something else while waiting for a harmonizing inspiration to strike.  Thanks, all!