The Nature of Memory

[Bloggsworth]

You kissed me once,
Heather Denton, by your father’s
coal-shed, between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life, since
which time I have been confused
as to your intention. You may
think it odd that some sixty years later
I remember my first time, I didn’t really,
but today I passed rhododendron
of exactly the same shade.

[tectak]

You kissed me once,
Heather Denton, by your father’s
coal-shed, between the rhododendronsmaybe semi colon or it is between the rhododendrons and your life...even then you are shooting an elephant in your pyjamas
and the rest of my life, sincestrange place to change lines. You are not in rhyme nor rhythm so there is neither rhyme nor reason for it. I look ahead and see more of the same. The next line is apposite
which time I have been confused
as to your intention. You may
think it odd that some sixty years later
I remember my first time, I didn’t really,this is quirky punctuation. You seem to know what you are doing but decide to do the opposite!
but today I passed rhododendron "a" dietary requisite?
of exactly the same shade.

Hi bloggs, again.
I do hope we are not destined to fall out This is nice commitment verse. You knew where it was heading all along and went there like an Exocet! I am a punctuation pedant but can be easily distracted by the irritation of irrational line outs. Enjambment is one thing, but this
is
another.
I would not ask you to change it if is precious to you, but the form does nothing for the piece. All is opinion.
Best,
tectak

[Bloggsworth]

You kissed me once, Heather Denton;
near your father’s coal-shed,
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life; since which time
I have been confused as to your intention.
You may think it odd that,
some sixty years later, I remember -
I didn’t think I had, but today
I saw a rhododendron of exactly the same shade.

Is that any better?

[tectak]

You kissed me once, Heather Denton;
near your father’s coal-shed,
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life; since which time
I have been confused as to your intention.
You may think it odd that,
some sixty years later, I remember -
I didn’t think I had, but today
I saw a rhododendron of exactly the same shade.

Is that any better?

YES YES YES!
I like it!
Best,
tectak

[escorial]

a piece with a good title.

[sfsushi]

I love the second draft. The first one was a bit distracting with the strange line breaks. The second draft is absolutely beautiful. Great imagery. Very relateable. A great piece.

[saeity]

Hi Bloggsworth, this is a delightful piece, amazing how such a moment in time can be brought back as if yesterday, certainly could relate.

somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life;- what a beautiful line

I think tektac has certainly pushed you in the right direction - much tighter
enjoyed.
saeity.

[Todd]

Hi Bloggsworth,

I liked this edit quite a bit. Great title! Look not to upset everything, but I wondered if you might consider something. If it doesn't work than ignore it. The poem you have is perfectly serviceable as it is. Here was my thought. Your strongest phrase in my opinion is between the rhododendrons and the rest of my life. Truly lovely. I think the idea of odd connections sparking memory is great. I think leading with the rhododendrons might be better.

Somewhere between the rhododendrons
near your father’s coal-shed,
You kissed me once, Heather Denton.
Since which time I have been confused
as to your intention,
(The rest as you have it. Then add at the end though this may be too much repetition and your current final line may need to be slightly tweaked)
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life.

I'm a proponent of maximizing the effect of a poem's best lines.

Just thoughts, ignore them if they're crazy.

Best,

Todd

You kissed me once, Heather Denton;
near your father’s coal-shed,
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life; since which time
I have been confused as to your intention.
You may think it odd that,
some sixty years later, I remember -
I didn’t think I had, but today
I saw a rhododendron of exactly the same shade.

Is that any better?

[Bloggsworth]

Hi Bloggsworth,

I liked this edit quite a bit. Great title! Look not to upset everything, but I wondered if you might consider something. If it doesn't work than ignore it. The poem you have is perfectly serviceable as it is. Here was my thought. Your strongest phrase in my opinion is between the rhododendrons and the rest of my life. Truly lovely. I think the idea of odd connections sparking memory is great. I think leading with the rhododendrons might be better.

Somewhere between the rhododendrons
near your father’s coal-shed,
You kissed me once, Heather Denton.
Since which time I have been confused
as to your intention,
(The rest as you have it. Then add at the end though this may be too much repetition and your current final line may need to be slightly tweaked)
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life.

I'm a proponent of maximizing the effect of a poem's best lines.

Just thoughts, ignore them if they're crazy.

Best,

Todd

You kissed me once, Heather Denton;
near your father’s coal-shed,
somewhere between the rhododendrons
and the rest of my life; since which time
I have been confused as to your intention.
You may think it odd that,
some sixty years later, I remember -
I didn’t think I had, but today
I saw a rhododendron of exactly the same shade.

Is that any better?

Ouch. I think I'll leave it as it is. Without her having kissed me in the first place there would be no poem, so the kiss has to open the poem.

[Todd]

Agreed but without the rhododendrons the kiss would not have come to mind.

Again, it was just a thought.