Whilst children sleep.......for seth

[tectak]

Darkness lurks in corners when the Sun bids children play;
sneaking out into their dreams when shadows end the day.
Night, look to East, for there the Sun will come to end your stay,
and that constant coward, Darkness, will run and hide away.

Tectak
Christmas Eve
1971

[serge gurkski]

short enough to do a line by line. :-)

l1: fine
l2: fine
l3: fine
l4. fine

in summa: fine.

serge: fine.

[tectak]

short enough to do a line by line. :-)

l1: fine
l2: fine
l3: fine
l4. fine

in summa: fine.

serge: fine.

Fin
Thanks,
tectak

[brandontoh]

1971... My mum was born that year. >< Anyways, on to the poem.

Darkness lurks in corners when the Sun bids children play;
sneaking out into their dreams when shadows end the day. -- Reading these 2 lines make me kind of confused. You're anthropomorphising darkness but shadows are another thing altogether? It's just kind of a weird issue for me when I read it. Also, while you give darkness and night quite a bit of character, the Sun is just a blank slate. A little more meat here and there can make the poem read and feel more 'complete' in my opinion.
Night, look to East, for there the Sun will come to end your stay, --Hmm, here I think that a contrast with night's sneaky ways will work better. Give the Sun a robust and radiant personality.
and that constant coward, Darkness, will run and hide away.

Tectak
Christmas Eve
1971

Just my 2 cents, hope I'm of help, especially since I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not. =)

[serge gurkski]

( at brandon: "but shadows are another thing altogether?" But for sure. There are no shadows in darkness. No sun /light , no shadow.)
No, wait: Now, I am confused myself. ,-) Darkness on earth IS a shadow. But the darknesss of the cosmos is not. Tricky.

[brandontoh]

Well, the way I understand those 2 lines is that darkness lurks in the corner, waiting. When shadows come to end the day, darkness takes the chance to enter people's dreams. I don't know, the way those lines are phrased just doesn't sit well with me.

[serge gurkski]

Well, the way I understand those 2 lines is that darkness lurks in the corner, waiting. When shadows come to end the day, darkness takes the chance to enter people's dreams. I don't know, the way those lines are phrased just doesn't sit well with me.

I know what you are saying. Maybe your analysis is too deep. I read it more as a lullaby. And: that is does not sit well with you (and with any reader /listener) might even be the intended effect.
I simply like the word play. ,-)

[tectak]

Well, the way I understand those 2 lines is that darkness lurks in the corner, waiting. When shadows come to end the day, darkness takes the chance to enter people's dreams. I don't know, the way those lines are phrased just doesn't sit well with me.

I know what you are saying. Maybe your analysis is too deep. I read it more as a lullaby. And: that is does not sit well with you (and with any reader /listener) might even be the intended effect.
I simply like the word play. ,-)

To each,
I think I'll sit this one out! When you've worked out what I'm trying to say, let me know. By the way....it was written for two five year olds who were frightened of going to sleep in the dark...so making Father Christmas's job a lot more difficult. They didn't complain
Thanks both for caring enough to have a go at it. I only put it up for seth31 because I had suggested a bloody good line to him and could not remember for the hell of me who wrote it.....then I remembered, it was me! (I have a lot to be modest about, so when the Constant Gardener came my way, I considered suing le Carre! )

Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

Well, the way I understand those 2 lines is that darkness lurks in the corner, waiting. When shadows come to end the day, darkness takes the chance to enter people's dreams. I don't know, the way those lines are phrased just doesn't sit well with me.

I know what you are saying. Maybe your analysis is too deep. I read it more as a lullaby. And: that is does not sit well with you (and with any reader /listener) might even be the intended effect.
I simply like the word play. ,-)

To each,
I think I'll sit this one out! When you've worked out what I'm trying to say, let me know. By the way....it was written for two five year olds who were frightened of going to sleep in the dark...so making Father Christmas's job a lot more difficult. They didn't complain
Thanks both for caring enough to have a go at it. I only put it up for seth31 because I had suggested a bloody good line to him and could not remember for the hell of me who wrote it.....then I remembered, it was me! (I have a lot to be modest about, so when the Constant Gardener came my way, I considered suing le Carre! )

Best,
tectak

I think I'll join you sitting it out, leaving Brandon alone in the dark.
re: suing le Carre: I once had one of my infamously brilliant thoughts. The thought's name was: palimpsest. I already knew how to best abuse it in a German Gurkskem, but lo and behold, news reached me on that very day that Gore Vidal's "Palimpsest" had just been published.
I still abused pretty but obscure P. nevertheless.