Past Perfect by hamartia
#1
After that, in love became had loved.
We passed perfect and became plural,
found safety in separate phone numbers
and the life sentence of the relative clause.

I'd like to attribute the errors to their authors,
but time and proximity have married our idioms -
you write like me and vice versa,
my turn of phrase tucked neatly into yours.

Would that we'd had an editor, we lamented,
as we dealt the crockery into two even boxes.
Someone to unsplit our infinitives,
to give the piece the body it lacked.


The original thread can be found here.
It could be worse
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#2
Gorgeous poem. I missed it initially. Thanks for spotlighting it. What she did with that edit was impressive. Relative clause made all the difference. Great workshopping.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
Oh wow, thank you! And thanks for the workshopping, too - I'm really enjoying using the site, this is a great community. Smile
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#4
You're welcome -- this is such a lovely little poem, it deserved extra attention.
It could be worse
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#5
Nicely done hamartia. very deserving piece of poetry.
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#6
Great stuff. I love in particular the first stanza. Very original and effective use of metaphor and word play and very fitting psychologically.
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#7
(02-11-2013, 04:46 AM)Leanne Wrote:  After that, in love became had loved.
We passed perfect and became plural,
found safety in separate phone numbers
and the life sentence of the relative clause.

I'd like to attribute the errors to their authors,
but time and proximity have married our idioms -
you write like me and vice versa,
my turn of phrase tucked neatly into yours.

Would that we'd had an editor, we lamented,
as we dealt the crockery into two even boxes.
Someone to unsplit our infinitives,
to give the piece the body it lacked.


The original thread can be found here.

It is not that often, sadly, that a little diamond is found to have soft surfaces. This is a rare item. It speaks its truths softly, as truth should, and succeeds in saying twice as much in a whisper as it would if shouted. I hope you can write like this again. That is the wonder of poetry. Its value is not because it is rare....but because it is good.
Wonderful piece.
tectak
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#8
I loved this piece, it's a wonder why I didn't comment when I read it.
I'll be there in a minute.
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#9
wow, i like the married part,

but time and proximity have married our idioms

brilliant
...(s)he has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Poetry in motion, played out in the mind of madness
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#10
Wow this is great, the metaphors are so balanced and accessible yet brilliant all the same.
Good work !
"Poor old Dali loped with an amazin' raging cyst, as poor Roald Dahl eloped with Anna-May's enraging sisters."- Steven F Smith

@Alex_Robertson6
http://tosurvivemetropolis.tumblr.com
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#11
This is an effective lament tucked into a well wrought metaphor. Moving work!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#12
Wow! Especially that first stanza Smile
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#13
I'm going back through some of the old spotlights. I really loved this poem. It was good to revisit it.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#14
I haven't read this in a while, thanks for bumping it, a beauty.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#15
The metaphor is beautifully controlled. A great example of how to.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#16
should it be would that we'd had or would that we had? i feel like the second one, besides sounding less awkward, is the grammatically typical construction, -though really it's a statement that's rare enough for me that i have absolutely no idea. i'll perhaps just interpret that as, if correct, then obviously the literal application of "past perfect" that delightfully suffuses the piece -- and if incorrect, then the poem going past perfection, though to what end i cannot say, and i'd be a good deal more satisfied if i received an answer. but certainly, real lovely work! i think i passed this when i reviewed the hogs last year, but it feels like only now is the piece shining.
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