Poetry Forum

Full Version: Past Perfect by hamartia
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
After that, in love became had loved.
We passed perfect and became plural,
found safety in separate phone numbers
and the life sentence of the relative clause.

I'd like to attribute the errors to their authors,
but time and proximity have married our idioms -
you write like me and vice versa,
my turn of phrase tucked neatly into yours.

Would that we'd had an editor, we lamented,
as we dealt the crockery into two even boxes.
Someone to unsplit our infinitives,
to give the piece the body it lacked.


The original thread can be found here.
Gorgeous poem. I missed it initially. Thanks for spotlighting it. What she did with that edit was impressive. Relative clause made all the difference. Great workshopping.
Oh wow, thank you! And thanks for the workshopping, too - I'm really enjoying using the site, this is a great community. Smile
You're welcome -- this is such a lovely little poem, it deserved extra attention.
Nicely done hamartia. very deserving piece of poetry.
Great stuff. I love in particular the first stanza. Very original and effective use of metaphor and word play and very fitting psychologically.
(02-11-2013, 04:46 AM)Leanne Wrote: [ -> ]After that, in love became had loved.
We passed perfect and became plural,
found safety in separate phone numbers
and the life sentence of the relative clause.

I'd like to attribute the errors to their authors,
but time and proximity have married our idioms -
you write like me and vice versa,
my turn of phrase tucked neatly into yours.

Would that we'd had an editor, we lamented,
as we dealt the crockery into two even boxes.
Someone to unsplit our infinitives,
to give the piece the body it lacked.


The original thread can be found here.

It is not that often, sadly, that a little diamond is found to have soft surfaces. This is a rare item. It speaks its truths softly, as truth should, and succeeds in saying twice as much in a whisper as it would if shouted. I hope you can write like this again. That is the wonder of poetry. Its value is not because it is rare....but because it is good.
Wonderful piece.
tectak
I loved this piece, it's a wonder why I didn't comment when I read it.
wow, i like the married part,

but time and proximity have married our idioms

brilliant
Wow this is great, the metaphors are so balanced and accessible yet brilliant all the same.
Good work !
This is an effective lament tucked into a well wrought metaphor. Moving work!
Wow! Especially that first stanza Smile
I'm going back through some of the old spotlights. I really loved this poem. It was good to revisit it.
I haven't read this in a while, thanks for bumping it, a beauty.
The metaphor is beautifully controlled. A great example of how to.
should it be would that we'd had or would that we had? i feel like the second one, besides sounding less awkward, is the grammatically typical construction, -though really it's a statement that's rare enough for me that i have absolutely no idea. i'll perhaps just interpret that as, if correct, then obviously the literal application of "past perfect" that delightfully suffuses the piece -- and if incorrect, then the poem going past perfection, though to what end i cannot say, and i'd be a good deal more satisfied if i received an answer. but certainly, real lovely work! i think i passed this when i reviewed the hogs last year, but it feels like only now is the piece shining.