My Abyss

[rowens]

It doesn't have much to it. It's on the verge of something, but it's very plain and monotonous. It's a depressed poem, so some of the dull, monotonous effect can be useful. But it's just missing something.

[billy]

hi squi.

after reading it, i think you need to cut away a fair bit of excess. leave a bit but not too much ambiguity, let the title do the work.

Slowly falling, ever so gently melting into an abyss
Surrounded by so many, why am I so painfully alone
Robbed from even the smallest comfort of a Mother's kiss
I can still feel their words bruising me to the bone

it does mess with the end rhyme but gives an idea.

A gentle fall, entering the abyss;
I'm surrounded, yet painfully alone
Robbed from the comfort of a Mother's kiss
I feel their words bruising me to the bone

the above uses the title and would it probably be better with a title change of something similar. abysmal perhaps.

if you think it works try and do something similar with the rest of poem.