love aint blind

[rifster]

hey guys. very new here and new to writing poetry. here goes

love ain’t blind

her Eyes were craters
begging to be explored,
deep enough to send echoes
bouncing from wall to wall
awkwardly reintroducing themselves,
unable to escape a feeling of past
intimacy. (intimacy)
non-flickering and sating,
they are the “open” sign
at 1:14 am, lost
on the empty road
from M to E.
candy Pupils, wrapped
in dark chocolate, potent
with shielding agents.
her smirked Brow an upstretched
pinball flipper
waiting to catch my gaze.

she might cradle me for just a second.

(and if i were a humming bird id do the cha-cha 6 times in that second)

then her cheeky Smile whispers
to send me flying.
shes gotta get that high score.


the align thing messed me up, dont know how to indent/tab.
thanks for your time! im very open minded so keep it brutal

[rowens]

I like it a little bit. But I have funny moods, and I hallucinate sometimes, and I enjoy poems for reasons that might not have anything to do with the writer's intention, or the laws of fact.

But I like it a little bit, despite, not because of, its typographical devices. So I need to read it again later, and think more about it.

But writing this is a brief warm up for me. So I'll be obsessively sure to think more about it later.

If intimacy is intimacy then I always make it big. Even if that too appears only to be hallucination. So I'll get back to it.

[rowens]

So it works, in the moment.

It has the feeling of something I'd like ok when I read it, then not read it again. But that's me.

It's hard to critique, because I do like it as it is. Yet it isn't very memorable, despite some comparisons to craters and "Exit" signs that I can relate to.

If anything, maybe a revision of everything after "from M to E". But again, that's just me. I lose interest after that point. I lose interest in the images, not that they're bad.

You can just try some different things out, see what happens. It's not too bad as it is. It's something my opinion would change a lot about from time to time.

[rifster]

I really appreciate the feedback! I had to utilize metaphors for a class assignment, but I was questioning the abstract nature of my images. I get feedback in my workshops a lot that my diction is too clinical and that I'm "telling", not "showing".
How did the road metaphor play out for you? I think my class is going to say its too abstract. That's why the second half is relatively fluffier.
Also, I wanted it to feel like a "blip" on the whole since it was supposed to be a moment, and the moment I was describing lasted mere seconds.
Either way, I'm glad I had you for a second and I really do appreciate the feedback!

[rowens]

I didn't pay any attention to what "from M to E" might mean. I was in the mood to accept it abstractly (for me, abstract things are concrete). Though maybe it means maybe.