full circle

[Yelleryella123]

People sitting in a glass room,
Chuckling, staring, laughing
Judging the girl exploring her mind behind closed eyes.
The individual, the meditator, the "non-conformist".
The conformist to individualism
The meditator who judges
The explorer in fixed space, thinking about
People sitting in a glass room,
Chuckling, starring, laughing

[Leanne]

Should it be "chuckling, staring, laughing"?

I like what you're trying to do here -- I think you might actually be able to pull off a full palindrome instead though (same lines in both directions), because you can end the poem on:

chuckling, staring, laughing
people sitting in a glass room

and it works, grammar-wise, so it would just be a matter of fiddling around with the middle lines. Wording like "judging the girl..." can be altered for meaning in the second half to "judging, the girl..." -- just an idea anyway

[Yelleryella123]

Should it be "chuckling, staring, laughing"?

I like what you're trying to do here -- I think you might actually be able to pull off a full palindrome instead though (same lines in both directions), because you can end the poem on:

chuckling, staring, laughing
people sitting in a glass room

and it works, grammar-wise, so it would just be a matter of fiddling around with the middle lines. Wording like "judging the girl..." can be altered for meaning in the second half to "judging, the girl..." -- just an idea anyway

hah! yes, staring
okay I'll try re-writing it with your advice. I wasn't sure how to punctuate it so it reads the way I want it to sound coming off my tongue - rearrangement will help with that
thank you

[rowens]

I don't know if this is based on your actual experience.

It's different with women, I guess. People seem to be afraid of me, like I might rob them or attack them or something. That I'm a madman or a criminal, or both. Or maybe that I might say or do something really embarrassing.

[shemthepenman]

I really like it [i have a perversion for circularity and repetition]. Ooo, and 'conformist to individuality' a wonderful concept! Wonderful wonderful concept. Damn, this phrase will bang around my head for hours now

[Yelleryella123]

thank you. rowens, this is based on my actual experience. I was in the library, down the hall in view of me there were 3 people sitting in a room with glass windows. One of those.. study rooms. I knew they were there, I meditated anyway. I needed to relax - badly. I put on some music and closed my eyes, the music stopped and I heard something. I looked over and I could see them laughing. I closed my eyes, told myself to keep going - to ignore them. Thoughts of superiority floated into my mind, that I was a meditator, an individual, a "non-conformist" and they didn't understand, therefore I am better than them for not judging blah blah blah, defense mechanism to perceived ridicule (for all I know, they could have been laughing at a joke).
I started writing, the first 3 lines of "I am a meditator, an individual" type thinking
and then, I realized - I thought I was exploring my mind, (for example) but I was an explorer in fixed space. I was fixed on thinking about these people in a glass room. I came to a conclusion about what they were doing/thinking about me - when I was in a "glass room" as well. A box of perception. The whole idea of the poem (for me): we sometimes think we know something, but we have no idea and chances are we aren't the center of it all. We can put ourselves in a superior mental position when we are doing the same thing we are upset other people are doing. A defense mechanism, but also a projection. so, a full circle.
It was all in my mind.

[rowens]

You know, then, that no matter how your nerves bother you because of these things, it doesn't really matter if they were laughing at you or not. I know that I don't care what strangers are thinking about me, but my nerves care. So emotionally I might get upset and cause a scene. Though as long as I don't really care, it doesn't really matter in the long run.

I've always felt that if I didn't have enemies I wouldn't be a very well-rounded person. I think about things I call "backrooms of individualism". I guess those are the places where you sort out how to make yourself an individual in the ways that an individual should be.

But an individual needs to get away from all that morbid self-consciousness, otherwise they remain too affected by external influences to function.---There were times when I wanted to fit in and I couldn't; then there were times I wanted to rage against whatever was going on, to make sure I wasn't like others; but most the time I just go with the flow of myself, whatever that means.

It doesn't mean anything. All you can do is reflect and be active at the same time. You have the core of who you are, and you just improvise through it. And those nervous and mental distractions are just more enemies to deal with. But as long as they motivate you more than depress you, they're worth having.

Some will say: There isn't even a core. But I was raised a Western man. So I can have a core if I want.

[serge gurkski]

fine.

[Yelleryella123]

You know, then, that no matter how your nerves bother you because of these things, it doesn't really matter if they were laughing at you or not. I know that I don't care what strangers are thinking about me, but my nerves care. So emotionally I might get upset and cause a scene. Though as long as I don't really care, it doesn't really matter in the long run.

I've always felt that if I didn't have enemies I wouldn't be a very well-rounded person. I think about things I call "backrooms of individualism". I guess those are the places where you sort out how to make yourself an individual in the ways that an individual should be.

But an individual needs to get away from all that morbid self-consciousness, otherwise they remain too affected by external influences to function.---There were times when I wanted to fit in and I couldn't; then there were times I wanted to rage against whatever was going on, to make sure I wasn't like others; but most the time I just go with the flow of myself, whatever that means.

It doesn't mean anything. All you can do is reflect and be active at the same time. You have the core of who you are, and you just improvise through it. And those nervous and mental distractions are just more enemies to deal with. But as long as they motivate you more than depress you, they're worth having.

Some will say: There isn't even a core. But I was raised a Western man. So I can have a core if I want.

yes, the poem is my thought process becoming aware of my thought-enemies. I accept they are there, and a part of me. The problems I have with what people think of me in public are generally short-lived.

I think I am more self conscious of my writing than the glance of a stranger. Judgement is a projection of the self, that is the idea.
I meditate to become aware of my mind, especially during these moments of self-consciousness - become aware, accept, change. The brain is plastic, the mind is malleable. One of my favorite books on neuroplasticity : http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge.com/MAIN.html

[rowens]

I don't get along with people too well. Despite your anxieties in your writing, you seem like you get along well. At one point, you said you were a socialite. Though that doesn't say much about whether someone's insecure or not. I simply don't believe in security, so I get that out of the way easily.

[Yelleryella123]

Well, I was a drunken socialite for the most part. I ran a small restaurant above a pub (same owners), the business started going down hill when they opened another restaurant down the road, lost money, cut wages, I had to fire people, I worked 6-7 days a week on salary. I was 21. I drank every night. I couldn't relax after work, I was high strung, under-nourished, over-worked, under-payed, I got a free staff drink every night which always led to having a couple more. I called it networking before it became a problem, and it was.
So yes, I get along (without the liquid courage) with people pretty well now - but it took serious introspection, seclusion, meditation and overall change. I think highly social people can be highly insecure, from my experience - there is this dependency on other peoples acceptance. I had to remove and then reintegrate myself into society, it was the only way for me to overcome my dependence. It can come with age tho, and wisdom I am sure, general life changes that throw you a loop - I don't know I'm still trying to figure it out.

What is security for you?
I am insecure about loads of things (as you know) but I have moments of security and clarity that I am always working for. I am more aware of my mental formations than I used to be, so less insecure because I can generally shift my thinking more than my thinking can shift me - and eventually I hope to change/eliminate certain thinking habits.
When it comes to my writing, I will re-write, rearrange, re-word maybe 50 times before I feel satisfied - editing is my way of really thinking about and developing what I am trying to say in the end. For some reason instead of editing before posting I almost always post first and then edit edit edit. I like to see it 'finished', edit and see it 'finished' again until I think it is finished. Even if it is just a simple comment. Huge anxiety I could never get rid of, I wouldn't want to.

---

i think it may be time for the discussion board

[rowens]

Then go start a discussion.

I don't like to be a part of anything. I like to be by myself. But I like to have one person, that's fine. But most people don't like to be alone; and most people don't like to be alone with only one person. They want to hang out with people I have no interest in, or go to parties where they don't like anybody, and then gossip about them to me later. I like to go out: to eat, to walk around town, whatever. I just don't like having dull conversations with people that I don't know or care to know. Most women are addicted to that for some strange reason. Men probably like it too, but I don't pay much attention to other men when I go out.

All these things I'm saying must have a lot to do with why I've been stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no friends coming around for almost a year. But mostly it's because they like to stay in the groups getting high. I don't like being high very much, it's boring. I like to get drunk, but that's different. And when I'm drunk in a room full of stoned hipster assholes, bad things have happened. So I don't get invited to many parties.

But I'm still interested in your discussion, or anything you what to say in the discussion section. So go do it.

---

If this fits the topic of your discussion, it can be moved there.


To answer the actual question you asked me: I find no distinction between insecurity and security, because I don't believe in security. I could drop dead before I finish this sentence. People say they have open minds, I don't need that distinction: The world is open, and my mind doesn't have a choice. I have the choice to live as though my mind does have a choice, and for the most part I do, but I just accept that anything can happen at any moment. And I'm fine with that. The worst thing that could happen to me is that I could be killed. I can live through anything, I've had things happen that made me want to die. But that didn't matter, I didn't die. No matter what anyone says or does about or to me, as long as I'm still alive, then that's that. I do believe that if nothing bad ever happened, and that if everything was peaceful and clear and perfect, I would rather be dead. But I'm not very important; I can fight losing battles my whole life, but I have to be really putting forth effort to succeed. If I do succeed, and I've helped someone in some way, that's good for them. And that's the point. The only things I want out of life are to travel, to write, and to be with someone I love. Love is essential, because if I'm not feeling love for some one, or some thing, or some idea, then I'm not motivated to do anything. Basically what I'm saying is: Being secure and comfortable are not aspects of my experienced reality. And if I was content enough that I started to feel the least bit of complacency, it would lead to suicidal thoughts that would motivate me to go out and do something drastic. But spiritual feelings come in, and those feelings see to it that whatever drastic thing I do is done from a moral standpoint. Though it's much easier to be a criminal than someone that wants to help. And that's my experience. I have a cussed streak. Even when I help people, they end up hating me. Once a man stole some expensive clothes from a woman. I went and took them from him and brought them back to her. He filed a complaint, and she testified against me. What happened was that she changed her mind after she told me that she'd been robbed. She decided she didn't want any more trouble from him. So her solution was to side with him. They let me off though. But that's just the kind of things I'm used to in my life.