Posts: 25
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2013
He chooses himself over you. He makes you believe he loves you,
but he only loves himself.
What do you do, when you realize you’ve lived appeased? When you realize he could never please you. His priority never was you,
You are only here to support him. To court him. To forgive his bad habits so quickly he thinks it is permission to snort them..
You worked your ass off for that cash.
Why does he feel no guilt? Why does his face stay the same?
Why are his pupils stretching, reaching for sclera when he claims to be innocent like a cherub?
....
What about my eyes. Dry...why?
Why??
Why am I still here?
I am trapped.
I can't get out.
I am frozen under a blanket of snow..
All of my money is spent and up the nose.
"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning" - Werner Karl Heisenber
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
"Why are his pupils stretching, reaching for sclera" -- I love that image!
Been there, but the addiction wasn't coke, it was porn. Nice.
I wonder what you'd think about shortening the last strophe a bit, to something like:
"Trapped beneath this blanket of snow,
all my money up the nose"
Rants suit you 
It could be worse
Posts: 25
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2013
ooooh I like that. thank you!
"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning" - Werner Karl Heisenber
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
I am frozen under a blanket of snow.
sums the poem up, it's a solid read that i can identify with.
Posts: 2,351
Threads: 228
Joined: Oct 2010
You have some great lines here. It's not a critique forum but here are some light thoughts I had.
(01-29-2013, 12:30 PM)Yelleryella123 Wrote: He chooses himself over you. He makes you believe he loves you,--maybe a break after believe
but he only loves himself.
What do you do, when you realize you’ve lived appeased? When you realize he could never please you. His priority never was you,
You are only here to support him. To court him. To forgive his bad habits so quickly he thinks it is permission to snort them.. --you have some nice assonance and rhyme in these last few lines
You worked your ass off for that cash.
Why does he feel no guilt? Why does his face stay the same?
Why are his pupils stretching, reaching for sclera when he claims to be innocent like a cherub?--love this pupils stretching, reaching for sclera, and the later dry eyes. I lived with crank addicts for a few years...similar
....
What about my eyes. Dry...why?
Why??
Why am I still here?
I am trapped.
I can't get out.
I am frozen under a blanket of snow..--love this. You could retitle the poem Frozen. Just a thought.
All of my money is spent and up the nose.--another option for the last line is to hit it at a slant... "All of my money, snow"
Again, really nice start with this one. I hope I didn't say too much for the forum.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
(01-29-2013, 12:40 PM)Leanne Wrote: "Why are his pupils stretching, reaching for sclera" -- I love that image!
Been there, but the addiction wasn't coke, it was porn. Nice.
I wonder what you'd think about shortening the last strophe a bit, to something like:
"Trapped beneath this blanket of snow,
all my money up the nose"
Rants suit you
There's such a thing as addiction to porn?? o.O
(01-29-2013, 12:30 PM)Yelleryella123 Wrote: He chooses himself over you. He makes you believe he loves you, -- In my opinion the first 5 words can be removed. Starting with "he makes you believe he loves you" just feels more powerful.
but he only loves himself.
What do you do, when you realize you’ve lived appeased? When you realize he could never please you. His priority never was you,
You are only here to support him. To court him. To forgive his bad habits so quickly he thinks it is permission to snort them.. --The rest of the stanza is really nice. =) I like the imagery and the short sentences.
You worked your ass off for that cash.
Why does he feel no guilt? Why does his face stay the same?
Why are his pupils stretching, reaching for sclera when he claims to be innocent like a cherub?
....
What about my eyes. Dry...why?
Why??
Why am I still here? -- Oh wow, the emotions are showing. I really like this stanza. The ellipses is a delicate touch that makes the stanza come alive. =)
I am trapped.
I can't get out.
I am frozen under a blanket of snow..
All of my money is spent and up the nose. -- I feel that the first 2 lines can be removed. Ending with the last 2 lines as a couplet in my opinion has more impact, and besides the idea of being trapped is being carried across already.
Not sure why I'm doing a critique, but I really like this poem. =)
Back!
Posts: 170
Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
this is ok. However, some of the lines sound like they are from an al-anon leaflet. and with regards 'frozen under a blanket of snow' [have you ever heard the song '15 feet of pure white snow' by nick cave and the bad seeds? - reminded me of that... 'save yourself!' springs to mind ]
Posts: 25
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2013
no, I'll check it out 
I wrote this after a moment of clarity smacked me in the face. This is the first poem where.. I had so much anger and sadness I could have punched the wall or smacked his face, but instead I put my hand to paper. Usually I just push it all down.
I am literally under a blanket of snow right now, it is winter time and I have no means to get out of this town till the summer when I can build up the resources I have lost to this fool that sleeps beside me every night. I am in a rut. I am literally trapped in this winter, in this basement suite, in this relationship, in this moment of time. My means to get out .... used up without my knowledge. Now I know, just found out. I got up to leave, to get out - to travel, to find peace, to end all of this...... and my resources are gone. I have to depend on him, he has to depend on me. I don't see any other way and it is eating me up.
if any one has any advice -
"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning" - Werner Karl Heisenber
Posts: 170
Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
I am sorry, i was only commenting on the poem  i didn't mean to be so cold. i am sorry.
Posts: 25
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2013
(02-01-2013, 10:19 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: I am sorry, i was only commenting on the poem i didn't mean to be so cold. i am sorry.
no no no no, it is fine! it wasn't cold it was honest. and good
I just needed to get that out -
"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning" - Werner Karl Heisenber
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
02-01-2013, 04:14 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-01-2013, 04:19 PM by billy.)
get something going in the gen discussion or sewer.
as i've just been reminded by leanne, threads can and do go off topic here, hope i didn't come across as meaning you had to post about it there ) just thought having a full blown discussion about it may give you some support etc 
Posts: 25
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2013
(02-01-2013, 04:14 PM)billy Wrote: get something going in the gen discussion or sewer.
as i've just been reminded by leanne, threads can and do go off topic here, hope i didn't come across as meaning you had to post about it there ) just thought having a full blown discussion about it may give you some support etc
Yes, good idea. I will when I can get back on here - though I am beginning to see a way out. Thank you
"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning" - Werner Karl Heisenber
Your boyfriend sounds like all the boyfriends of my girlfriends. When they're using the computer things, their relationship statuses say: "It's Complicated". And I should say it is.
They have their computer life; their social drug life with their boyfriends; and then there's me, girls come to me when all else fails, and things fail for them a lot.
Hunter Thompson said something like: You can turn your back on a person; but never a drug...
I don't believe you can turn your back on anyone. And you don't even have to, because they'll stab you right in the chest, or between the eyes. Drug culture is a very paranoid world, and it's addictive: the paranoia is addictive.
Then you have people snort pills, smoke pot, put some headphones on, sit in front of the computer carrying on ten different conversations at once, with their cellphone vibrating next to the keyboard, staring at Michio Kaku and friendly and inviting Freemasons going through the motions of badly acted initiation rituals on tv....And when you screw one of the headphones out of their ear to ask them if they want to go get some dinner, they snap at you with some deep, heartwrenching lament like: "You don't understand me!"
Of course they don't say that to me. They say that I do understand them. That's why they stay the fuck away from me.
|
